Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Addiction ❯ Denial ( Chapter 2 )

Author's notes: Wee, zee angst SPAWNS! Honestly, there wasn't supposed to be a sequel, period, but I got a lot of positive feedback on this, so I decided to write another one.

To note, no, this story will not 'cut out all the angst'. This story's main genre is angst. If you feel you can't handle it, then don't read it, it's that simple. Yes, this honestly did leave me feeling weepy and for an author to feel weepy over her own story is not exactly a good sign. >.>

I don't think this is as good as Hisoka's PoV, but it might clear up questions as to why Tsuzuki is doing what he is, what he spoke to Tatsumi about, etc. This is the same situation as before, only from a different PoV.

Well, enjoy it! Unfortunately, I won't be able to respond to feedback, as the time I put this up, I'm going on vacation for a week! ^_^;;

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Even with the TV on, I can't find anything on it remotely interesting anymore. Nothing seems to hold my interest anymore. And then, I get bored. When I'm bored, my mind and eyes wander all over the place...

And my eyes rest on the image of you. Your book is sitting on your lap, your green eyes looking down at the pages before you. How long have you been on that page?

I turn my eyes away as you look up. I can't look you in the eyes anymore; it's just too painful to do so...

I know you've gone back to reading, but I know you won't get past the first page. Are you feeling the same way I am? Or are you just feeling guilty again?

I find my eyes wandering back to watch you. No, you're not the one who's feeling guilty. The only guilty party in this situation is...

You suddenly close your book and say that you're going to bed now. I just nod my head simply, pretending that the movie on TV is the most important thing in the world. For some reason, you stand there.

What do you expect me to do, Hisoka? Do you expect me to ask you what was wrong, even though I already know you'll say that nothing is wrong? Do you expect me to say that it was too early for you to go to sleep, even though you'll just argue with me that I just stay up too late? Or do you expect me to smile and give you a hug and pretend things are okay?

No, I can't do any of those things anymore. Because they mean nothing to you. I mean nothing to you...

I didn't even notice that you walked away already. I wait a few minutes before I brush my bangs away from my eyes. I promise I would stop crying after several years of this. But I always break that promise and I find tears forming in my eyes before I know it. It's a very bad habit to break.

Why do I bother staying, I keep asking myself. Nothing good can come out of this anymore. After five years of waiting and hoping, you still can't tell me how you feel about me.

When you first told me that you didn't know how you felt, I was hurt. I knew you saw through me when I said it was okay if you didn't feel the same way. But I had to tell you, keeping this from you was far worse than not telling you.

When you first said to me that you needed time, I was happy. You were giving me a chance. You weren't totally accepting of the idea, but you weren't rejecting me either.

You moved in, and the first two years were bliss. You talked to me more, you smiled more, you let me touch you more...

And then, things started to change. You would disappear for hours without telling me. I would end up searching up and around the house, the office building, or wherever we happened to be, for you. I'd call out your name in a panic. Did something happen to you? Were you okay? Did I screw up again? Did I do anything to make you leave me?

And then, you would suddenly appear. The first thing I did was to hug you tight against my body, never wanting to let you go. I would tell you that I was worried about you. You'd look up at me with that frown on your lips and call me an idiot.

It was in those moments, I realized something; I couldn't let you go. I needed you to be by my side, even if you loved me or not. If you left me, I wouldn't know what to do...

And then I went and screwed up everything. I should've never brought up the notion of sex, especially being fully aware of what happened to you. You told me it was okay, but I should've known better.

Did you know that you didn't call out my name once? No matter how many times I called out your name and told you that I loved you, you didn't say anything...

I think, that day, a part of me died.

I gave up then. There's no point in continuing a relationship when it's one sided.

And we started drifting apart. I couldn't keep up the farce anymore; I didn't have the energy to try. I couldn't touch you without feeling guilty and dirty. I couldn't look in your eyes without thinking what a disgusting person I am to do this to you. I couldn't recite the lies that things were okay, when I knew damn well that they're not.

Yet, you still stayed. I never understood why you still stayed. I still don't understand why you stay with me.

What's worse is that after all that, you continue to sleep in the same bed with me. You continue to let me touch you intimately.

I could never understand why, even to this day. I keep telling myself that I would stop touching you, that I need to put a stop to this. But I can't stop touching you. I need you, by my side, even if you don't love me.

There are times where I wish you would tell me to stop, tell me that you hate me or don't want me. Then I would have a reason to stop this. Or is that just an excuse I'm using?

The phone is suddenly ringing. I turn off the TV and walk over to the receiver, wondering who on earth is calling so late at night.

"Hello, Tsuzuki residence?"

"Tsuzuki-san?"

I recognize the voice immediately. "Tatsumi!?"

"You sound surprised. Did I interrupt something?"

"No, it's just I didn't expect you to call so late..."

"I see..." There's a slight pause. "Are you all right? You and Kurosaki-kun weren't at work today and neither of you answered the phone earlier when I called you."

"Huh? No, I'm fine."

"I see..." There's another awkward pause. "What about Kurosaki-kun? Is he awake?"

I shake my head, even though I know Tatsumi won't see it. "No, he's sleeping. I... well, I think he's just tired, that's all..."

"Are you sure he's okay? He's not sick, is he?"

"What? No, Hisoka's not sick..."

"Tsuzuki-san... Are you both all right? Lately, the both of you have been..."

Leave it to Tatsumi to worry himself over us. I don't deserve a friend as good as him. "I know, Tatsumi. It's just..." I feel myself fall to my knees as I whisper, "It's just I've been feeling a little down lately. It's really nothing to worry about."

I know Tatsumi isn't going to buy that. "Are you sure? You know both of you can..."

I interrupt him before he can finish. "No, really, we're both fine! We'll be on time, tomorrow..."

There's a heavy silence on the other end of the phone. Every second of silence feels like torture, because I really don't know what Tatsumi may do. I know he doesn't believe a single word I've said; he's not the type of person to pry into other's affairs when they're not willing to talk.

I hear a sigh on the other end and I know that, for the time being, Tatsumi is going to let my excuse slide. "All right, Tsuzuki-san. But if you want to be on time, you best go to sleep now."

I smile and innerly thank Tatsumi for putting up with me for so many years. "Yes, I'm about to go to bed."

"Just..." There's another pause. "Just remember that if you have any sort of problems, my office door is open to both of you."

"I know, Tatsumi... I know."

"And take care of yourself and Kurosaki-kun."

"I know. I'll see you at work."

"Yes."

There's something I need to tell him... "And Tatsumi?" I pause before I say, "Thank you..."

I have a feeling that Tatsumi is smiling right now; the pause on the phone isn't awkward like the other times. "I'll expect you to keep to your promise and see you in your office at seven o'clock, sharp."

I laugh softly and whisper, "Good night, Tatsumi."

"Good night, Tsuzuki-san."

I wait till I hear the 'click' on the other end before I put the phone on the receiver. I could never hide anything serious from you, could I, Seiichirou? A part of me wishes that you would just give up on me. I'm not worth your time.

Another sin that I can never atone for...

I open the bedroom door and look at the bed for a second before I pad into the bathroom to grab a tissue. I look at myself in the mirror while I wipe my eyes dry. God, I look like such a mess. My hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in days, my eyes are all red with dark circles underneath them, my face looks a little pale, and I don't know if it's me, but I look a little thinner.

No wonder why Tatsumi called here. If I looked like this at work...

I throw the tissue in the garbage and walk back to the bed. I see you curled up on the far side of the bed. Probably so you don't have to touch or look at me...

I lay down on the opposite end of the bed, trying very hard to keep myself from crying yet again. I need to end this. I don't know how much longer...

I feel something cold brush my shoulder and I turn my head and find your green eyes looking at me. How long have you been awake?

"Hisoka?" Before I know it, you're crawling over to my side of the bed, resting your head against my shoulder. And like every night, I wrap my arms around you and pull you close to my body.

Why do you keep doing this? I don't understand. I know you don't love me, yet you stay with me.

Maybe...

"I love you," I whisper to you, like I do every night. I know I won't get a response. I know you won't say anything, even before I watch your eyes close.

But I can still wish and hope...

Can't I?