Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 2, Chapter 7 (Tsuzuki) ( Chapter 15 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 7)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka

Warnings: Angst residue, introspective chatter

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love.  Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: I didn't know exactly how to write this, though I knew what I should cover.  That was a factor contributing to the incredible lateness of this chapter.  Ha, if there's any difficulties whatsoever dealing with a chapter, I have a tendency to resort to extreme procrastination techniques…  By the way, this chapter uniquely strays away from the nice parallel-ness of previous chapters.  It mostly ends before Hisoka's Chapter 7 begins.  A reminder, this is all in Tatsumi's POV unless noticed with a character…thingy.

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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"…I'm not sure what was going through my head that time, what I was thinking or feeling, or…  It was confusing and painful and the emotional trauma blurred everything," Tsuzuki murmured with his head in his hands under my watchful gaze, his voice wavering. 

The memories hurt, I understood, but…  "What happened then after that incident with you and Kurosaki-kun?"

For a few minutes Tsuzuki said nothing, as if trying to gather his thoughts.  "Can you make us some more tea, Tatsumi?" he asked finally.

"Of course," I said, getting the kettle ready, as he began…

*~@~*

Tsuzuki

*~@~*

Like I said earlier, it was all a blur, and somehow I had found myself at the nearest bar, seated with an exotic cup of coffee heavily spiked with cognac.  It was surreal; I hadn't remembered how I got to the bar in the first place or even ordering anything.  I wasn't even sure if I had enough money on me to pay for it.  Then, as if to make the night seem even more like a hideous nightmare, that guy I knew seated himself beside me. 

Yeah, Watari.

"Hey," he said, good-natured as always.  He had no clue.  "Fancy seeing you here."

"Yeah, I guess."

Watari would have had to be stupid not to notice that I wasn't okay without the false pretenses of pretending to be okay.  Of course, yeah, he's a smart guy.  "You okay?"

Every fucking façade I'd ever put on was dead at that moment.  I couldn't even muster up a fake smile, and for some reason it just irritated me so…  "What the fuck do you think?"

"…The hell's your problem, Tsuzuki?  I just asked a question!" he snapped at me with such sharpness I had never heard from his normally buoyant and fun voice.

And at that one, clear moment, for the first time that night I felt sorry for a reason other than myself.  What happened between Hisoka and me wasn't Watari's fault, I felt, so I had no grounds to say things like that to him.  It wasn't me, anyway.

I still hurt, yes, but I didn't want to be like that.

"…I'm sorry, Watari.  But this evening has just been…"

"Ah, it has been, hasn't it?" he admitted without mockery, like…he knew.  And he had such a guilty conscience about it that I know he did.

"Yeah," I said, and then he went quiet.  He ordered a drink, but I barely paid attention to what it was.

"Look, um, Tsuzuki…about this evening…  You may not have seen me, but I was there at the-" he began softly and his voice carried an unbearable weight of guilt and regret.

"I know."

"So…you know?"

"I know, and…"

"…Tsuzuki…"

The sky is always at its clearest and bluest after a great storm.  "…It's not your fault, Watari.  You…must have loved him like I did.  I know you kissed him, and back at the hotel room we…had an argument about it.  Hisoka can't love us when we love him so strongly ourselves.  And it's not even Hisoka's fault - he can't control our emotions.  You know whose fault it really is?"

"Tsuzuki, but it is.  I knew you loved him and everything, but I…I…"

"But it's not your fault for loving him, Watari.  Hell, if our situations were reversed, I would have done the exact same thing."

Watari looked at me, still guilty, but managed to say rather incredulously, "Really?  You…really would have done everything as I did…?"

I nodded, but instead of looking comforted, as I would have felt if our positions really were reversed, he seemed vaguely skeptical but in a kind, self-deprecating way, if that makes any sense at all.  "So…you two had an argument?  But you're okay now, right?"

"…Dunno," I said, and mentioned what had happened between us, how…Hisoka never really loved either of us.  It wasn't his fault; he couldn't.

"I've…I've been so stupid," he said at last, a few minutes after I had 'explained' things.  "You know…I told him I loved him, but I never asked if he loved me, too, because I thought he didn't, but he acted as if he did and…"

I tried to force a laugh because it was really too soon to be hearing such things.  "But…do you…see our mess?"

"Yeah…" he said softly.

"So…what are we going to do?"  I needed his help.  I needed his support.  Without Hisoka as my crutch…

"We?"

That sudden, sinking feeling washed over me.  What does he mean?  We're going to be in this together, right?

"Tsuzuki," he murmured softly, but firmly as well, "I have to stand on my own on this, and so do you."

"But Watari," I said, trying to sound rational, but a sense of urgency and desperation crept into my voice, permeating everything and turning it into something that betrayed me, "you don't mean that, do you?  I mean, we need each other, right?  You were hurt, too, and I -"

"Please don't pretend to understand, Tsuzuki.  My feelings are not your own," he said, rather coldly, and in retrospect I understand, but…at the time, it was the proverbial straw with the poor camel and all.

"How can you say that?  You loved him - and, dammit Watari, he made you think he loved you!  You forced your feelings onto him, too, so how can you say we're not in this together?" I stood up and said rather frantically.  At the end, my voice had gotten louder than I wanted.

"You're projecting your own situation onto me, Tsuzuki."

"I…I'm not…" I murmured, feeling helpless as I ordered another drink.  The one I had was finished, apparently, though I can't remember drinking it much…

"Tsuzuki, maybe you should cut back on the alcohol…"

"What are you talking about?  This is only my second cup, and besides, it's…it's just coffee with cognac, that's all…"

I feel shaky, nervous, confused…

"…Tsuzuki, you've had three rather large glasses of hard liquor since I started talking to you."

Lies, I don't remember that.

"I…I have not."

"Like hell," said Watari sternly.  "I watched you with my own eyes."

"I can't stay here," I said, strained and confused.  "I have to go."

…Did I pay for the drinks on my way out…?  Did Watari try to stop me?

Yes, I think he did…yes.  As I stumbled down the street, remembering Watari's mention of the word projection and what had happened between Hisoka and me, I heard him trying to get me to stop.  Faintly I heard him, yes, because I…yelled out into the night sky how it was my fault, how I had forced myself upon him in every sense, how I was no better than that bastard…

The source of everything evil and wrong…that fucking bastard…

Muraki!

*~@~*

"Ah, Tsuzuki, I'm…having difficulty following," I admitted as we stood near the counter in the kitchen, drinking tea.

It looked as if my sentiments were the same as his.  "I…I don't know," he mumbled into his cup.

"So…what happened after that?"

He gave me a simple and tired shrug.  "I woke up that morning with Hisoka clutching my chest.  And it just…made me so mad, seeing him again, because really, I was mad at myself and Muraki.  I guess Watari was right, I do project…"

I didn't answer because we're all guilty of that when we feel strongly.

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~End of Part 2, Chapter 7~

…Hey, this chapter is over, cool!  You'll notice that Tsuzuki kept his explanation of the exchange between him and Hisoka at the end of Hisoka's chapter seven brief, and I didn't write it that way because I'm lazy.  Confused about the way this happened?  Good.  So is everyone else.  Something about emotional fuckage, or something, I'm sure.

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