Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ First Duel ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*Author's Note: Firstly and most importantly, I would like to thank ALL of my reviewers (be it ff.net review or email, answered here or not). It really is for you that I write all this, and it's your response that keeps me writing. Remember -- if/when this stops being funny, tell me so that I can change! I can never tell if my own work is funny, so I need and appreciate your past and future help. Thank you!!


Catling: Oh, come on, you aren't fooling anyone. We all know you want Celebi free. So GIMME! *snaps fingers*

DG: Well, wouldn't it be easier just to, I dunno, use a bloodhound or something?

Catling: We don't have anything of his for it to smell.

DG: Yes, we do! *holds up Malik's shirt with a proud smile*

Catling: ... I'm not even gonna ask...

*DG tosses Catling the shirt. Catling leaves to find a bloodhound, since cats don't tend to keep dogs as pets.*

Lizzie - At the rate people are sending me ideas for that particular episode (and no other, for some reason), I won't have to write a single word for "Evil Spirit of the Ring." *laughs* We'll see, though. Oh, speaking of seeing, if you include use shift-comma in a review, it deletes everything after that. Same goes for you, Pokey-kins.

Zero - I try, I really do, but it's hard when one's remote breaks (so one can't pause the tape) and one has a two-inch bug-bite on one's arm (so one can't type). I really do want to have at least half the old episodes done before they start showing new ones, though... *sweatdrops* Wish me luck.

PDM - Heh, of COURSE I'll mess with the Panik song! Duhness! Besides, you have to KNOW that I wouldn't listen to anything you said. ...which leads me to believe that you're trying to use reverse-psychology on me, so maybe I'll end up making you happy. *shudders* I think I'm scarred for life at the thought... ((I DO try to put extra effort into the last scene of each chapter, though.))

Yami's #1 fan: You're right, someone really must have named Weevil... well, "Weevil." Yikes. o.o;;

ABL - As much as I'd love to stick you in, if I give you a cameo then other people would start wanting cameos... plus, I've no idea how I could work it into a joke. Sorry. I'm glad you like my fic, though! And Seto-kun IS a darling, isn't he?

Lady Jess - Glad that all worked out for you!

Yami: *walks in* I'm looking for Yugi.

DG: Ahhh... He's, uh... not here...

Yami: *flat look* I can see him right over there. *points to where Angel Yugi is sitting, sipping on his lemonade*

DG: *sweating* Oh, well, see, that's not really YUGI, it's... it's... it's Ay!

Yami: Ay?

Catling: Yep. See, we thought it'd be cute for Yugi to have an Ancient Egyptian name since you have a Japanese name. Heehee. Isn't that cute?? *sniffs at her bag of catnip and giggles giddily*

DG: You moron! Do you think Yami's going to be HAPPY with us for having his aibou here, even if it IS of his own free will?! ... Speaking of which, any luck finding Malik-kun?

Catling: Mm? Oh, yeah. He's up North. *gestures vaguely with a catnip-filled fist*

DG: Well, at least you did ONE thing ri...

Yami: *interrupts* Malik? As in Yami Malik? *turns and strides from the cave without pausing or looking back* I WILL be back for you later.

DG: *wipes forehead* Whew! Talk about your close calls. *quickly closes the huge, metal double doors*

Catling: Er, don't you kind of need Malik alive to be able to free Celebi?

DG: *groans* I think I need some "mint" tea...*

*Scene: Pegasus is sitting alone is his observation room.*

Pegasus: All over the island, my unwitting pawns are in place. The duels have begun, and by now the slow process of elimination is well underway. Only the strongest Duel Monster players will survive, and those of insufficient skill will fall by the wayside...

*Pegasus's therapist walked in half-way through that speech.*

Therapist: Ah, now, Max, I thought we were going to work on our little problem of talking to ourselves.

Pegasus: *abashed* I've been trying, sir, really I have...

*Scene: Over to our favorite duelists.*

Joey: *walking over to the cliff separating the meadow from the beach* Okay, bring 'em on! I'm itchin' to duel and I'm takin' on the next player we see.

Yugi: Better not turn around, then.

*Scene: Flashback to Joey and Serenity at a different beach.*

Young Serenity: *looking out at the ocean* Oh, Joey, it looks so... pretty!

Young Joey: And so cold! *gets chased down the beach by a wave*

Joey: Geez, I was so clumsy as a kid. ... ACK! *trips and slides down the cliff to the beach*

*Scene: A loud cheer attracts their attention.*

Téa: Look there!

Tristan: Duel Monsters stadiums. Look at 'em! They're all over.

Yugi: You said it. Lots of dueling going on.

Tristan: That doesn't explain the cheering, though.

Joey: *points out to the beach, where there's a bunch of girls in bikinis playing volleyball in front of a rather large crowd* That does, though!

Téa: *groans* Oh, brother.

*Scene: Joey gets ready to duel.*

Tristan: You sure you want to do this? If you lose, you give up your only star chip.

Téa: That's right.

Joey: What am I supposed to do, never duel?!

Téa: Mmhmm, play it safe and quit now, that's the best way.

*Scene: The group hears an annoying voice... other than their own, that is.*

Mai: You lost, crybaby, now give me your star chips!

Yellow-Stripe, the Duelist: Hey, I'm not crying!

Mai: You will. They always do.

Yellow-Stripe: I resent the accusation that I'm no better than the rest! *runs off crying*

*Scene: Mai grabs Yugi's hand and admires his chips.*

Téa: *whispers in his ear* Take her!

Yugi: *blushes* Huh?

Téa: Knock her out of the contest and off the island.

Yugi: *blushes brighter* Ohh, take her in a duel! Oh, I mean of course take her in a duel. I mean...

*Yugi gets whapped.*

*Scene: Same.*

Téa: Knock her out of the contest and off the island.

Yugi: You know, as much as I'd love to do that, I've got three chips and she's got four, so I'm the only one that could be forced off.

*Scene: Mai challenges Joey in a bursts of non-sequitur-ness.*

Mai: Get it? I want to play you, kid.

Joey: Ha! Guess you heard about my skill.

Mai: Don't flatter yourself. I overheard you and Yugi talking on the boat, and I know he gave you the only star chip that you have.

Joey: Oh, right, dueling. Yeah, I do kinda suck at that still. Less experience than some.

*Scene: Mai gives Joey some time to think over her challenge.*

Mai: My motto is, "Take out the weakest players first."

Téa: You think by the time she identified and found the weakest player, he'd already be kicked off the island.

Yugi: Uh, I think she meant a bit more generally, Téa.

Téa: Siding with her, are you?!

Yugi: *cowers* No, no, of course not!

*Scene: Nobody wants Joey to talk for himself.*

Téa: Yugi, stand up for Joey. You have to fight her in his place.

Yugi: *looks at Mai, Joey, and then down at his star chips* Hell no.

*Scene: Cowardice has many guises.*

Yugi: This is his decision to make. Show Mai what you're made of.

Joey: Aw, geez, I was gonna say "no," but now you think I'd be a wimp if I did. Thanks, Yuge!

*Scene: Joey decides to duel.*

Joey: Don't forget, Gramps trained me. I mean, sure, Gramps didn't get a chance to finish my training... *Yugi starts quietly crying at the reminder* ...and, granted, I wish I'd had a chance to practice more before getting thrown into a tournament this huge with so many heavy hitters, and, yeah, I don't know how to use half the cards in my deck, and, well...

*Mai yawns and starts filing her nails.*

*Scene: The duelists ascend.*

Joey: At least this region'll give me a field advantage. *looks* Huh? Oh, no!! What are all these mountains doing on my field?!

Yugi: *jumps up and down to see* Just sitting there, from the looks of it.

*Scene: Some pre-duel pleasantries.*

Joey: Listen, Mai. Not for nothing, but I gotta ask you one question before we duel.

Mai: Well, I have nothing to ask, so it would be for nothing, so no. Too bad!

*Scene: Joey's question.*

Joey: Why did you decide to take part in this tournament? Tell me, Mai. Why is it you duel?

Mai: Why do I duel? *suddenly goes all cute and girlish* For all the comforts that I crave: Designer clothes, travel, perks - anything to avoid real work. Hot cars turbo-charged for livin' large!

Joey: Damn, that sounds sweet. Wish I could get me some of that.

Mai: No, but seriously, you get an invite from Pegasus, you go. Simple as that.

*Scene: During Mai's materialistic speech, we see a globe with an airplane scroll by, jewelry, accessories, and...*

Joey: A PENGUIN?!?!

Mai: Hey, I happen to like them, thank you very much!

*Scene: Mai, not unsurprisingly, doesn't like being lectured at.*

Joey: Ha! So that's why you want the prize money? How selfish.

Mai: How dare you try and judge me! It's not like I'm robbing anybody!

*Scene: Joey plays Masaki, the Legendary Swordsman, then Mai starts humming.*

Joey: What do you think you're doing?

Mai: Divining my card. I have to mystically choose which one of them's the best.

Joey: What, are you blind, too? *starts making rude gestures*

Mai: Hey! *makes one back* That's no way to treat a lady!

*Scene: Mai's Harpy's Lady slices up Masaki.*

Mai: Oh, cards, speak to me! *does her vacuum cleaner imitation* And I'll chose again without looking.

Joey: Huh? How's she doing that?

Téa: How does it matter? For the love of little green apples, how does it matter?

*Scene: Joey freaks out muchly.*

Joey: What do I do? Maybe this one... Tiger Axe! My field power bonus should raise its attack power so it can take on the Harpy's Lady head to head.

Yugi: You're not thinking! Ties aren't helpful!

*Scene: Same.*

Yugi: You're not thinking! It's still resistant to magic! Er, I mean, the magic is still resistant to it... no, no, it's that... um...

Joey: Oh, great, you just ruined any chance I had of understanding anything.

*Scene: Harpy's Lady has just mauled Tiger Axe.*

Mai: Now I'll play this lovely care without even looking. I'll give you a hint: It's an equipment magic card that will help me defeat your next card in one turn.

Joey: Whew, good, 'cause I don't know how those trap thingies work yet.

*Scene: Harpy's Lady beats Joey's defensive card.*

Mai: *laughs* This is so much fun! In case you were wondering, the next card you were thinking of won't work, either.

Joey: Mai has E.S.P., it has to be it.

Yugi; Or she just has a clue how to play the game...

*Scene: Joey admits defeat.*

Yugi: Settle down. Joey, remember what my grandpa taught you about how to play Duel Monsters. *Joey continues to freak* Or you could just play randomly. That works pretty often for me.

*Scene: Cheerleading at its best.*

Téa: Don't let her rattle you! She's just trying to psych you out!

Joey: *tightly* "Don't?" "Trying?" I think it's a little late for that, Téa.

*Scene: Mai makes a sound like her vacuum cleaner broke.*

Mai: Mm, stay out of this! Your brainless cheerleading isn't going to help him against the superior power of my Harpy Lady.

Téa: Then why should you care?

Mai: The sound of your voice grates on my nerves.

Téa: Yay! *grabs Yugi's hands and dances in a circle with him* *singsong* I can annoying the witch, I can annoy the wiiitch...

*Scene: As a counter to the cheerleaders, Mai goes into her anti-friendship rant.*

Mai: He's defeated and he knows it.

Téa: Not true.

Mai: No? I beg to differ. There can be only one champion. On this island, in this game, someone can be your best friend today, and your worst enemy tomorrow.

Yugi: Oh, well, nobody's expecting him to go all the way.

Téa: Yeah, we're not stupid.

*Scene: More anti-cheerleading.*

Mai: Once the competition forces you to face each other in a duel, where's your friendship then?

Joey: Well, hey, Yugi got me into this thing, which's more'n he should've done. If someone's gotta win, obviously it'll be him.

Yugi: Besides, we don't even know we'll have to duel each other.

Tristan: Uh, I think you're forgetting how sadistic Pegasus is.

Joey: *dully* Yay for Plan A.

*Scene: Brutal logic from Mai.*

Mai: That's why the only person a duelist can trust is himself.

Yami: They're all against me...

*Scene: Same.*

Mai: That's why the only person a duelist can trust is himself. I hope that your defeat today teaches you that lesson, kid.

Tristan: Wouldn't it be better taught by not explaining it?

Mai: Yeah, but I was afraid he'd be too stupid to get it otherwise.

*Scene: Truth is never acceptable.*

Téa: He needs help. Yugi, help him!

Yugi: Hellooo, what do you think I've been doing for the past fifteen minutes?

*Scene: Snarky transformation sequence.*

Yami: Don't listen to her, Joey. We're here to help you, just like you're always there to help us.

Mai: Huh?

Joey: Wha?

Tristan: Buh? Why is everyone being all surprised? He's been saying this all along.

*Scene: Re-prepping.*

Yami: Trust me on this. She's just trying to divide and conquer, a strategy that's been used for centuries. *close-up of his face as his Eye of Re starts to glow* Believe me. I know.

Yugi: Do I hear some bitterness in your voice?

Yami: Bitterness?! *bursts out laughing*

Yugi: *offended* Gee, sorry.

*Scene: Same.*

Yami: Believe me. I know.

Joey: Hell, I guess school is useful for something, after all.

*Scene: Joey looks almost hypnotized.*

Joey: When you get that look in your eye, I believe everything you say.

Yami: Which eye? The right, the left, or the center?

*Scene: Joey closes his eyes.*

Joey: There's gotta be a way to beat Mai. If I can just figure out how she knows what 'er cards are... If she's not psychic, there must be something else she's doin'.

Mai: *telepathically* Sorry, kid, but I am psychic.

Joey: Dah!

Yami: *joins in the mental conversation* Hey, magical entities only!

Mai: *sends an impression of rolled eyes* Sor-ry.

*Scene: Joey figures out her ploy.*

Joey: You sprayed all your cards with different perfumes, and by smellin' each different scent, you can tell which one is which even when they're face down.

Téa: Wow, talk about a lack of aromatic contamination. I wonder what those things are made of...

*Scene: It's Mai's turn to freak out.*

Mai: No way! How could an amateur punk like you see through my aroma strategy? It's just impossible!

Tristan: I don't see how experience would really help here, actually.

*Scene: Joey gets rather smug.*

Joey: I gotta admit, Mai, you really had me buyin' into the whole psychic powers shtick.

Yami: So she's not psychic? You sure?

*Joey and Mai nod.*

Yami: Wow. That's just unbelievable...

*Scene: Mai's much better at calming down than Joey is.*

Mai: Just because you saw through my little psychic act doesn't mean you've going to be able to defeat me in a duel.

Joey: I think you're wrong. Before you were winnin' by confusin' me and trying to pit me against my friends, but now my mind is clear. I know who I can trust. All you've got left is your cheap tricks, and I won't fall for them anymore.

Mai: *points* Quick, look over there!

Joey: *looks* Huh?? I don't see anything...

Mai: *laughs* My point exactly.

*Scene: Joey plays Baby Dragon.*

Mai: Ha! That wimpy card is your grand play? I only wish it was worth some more so when I devastate you it would do more damage to your life points.

Téa: Ah, so that's how it works?

Joey: Uh, yeah, I think.

Tristan: Maybe.

Yami: Sometimes.

*Scene: Mai plays Elegant Egotist.*

Tristan: Don't give in, Joey! You've still got all kinds of moves left.

Téa: Really? What moves would those be?

Yami: Bad ones.

*Scene: Same.*

Téa: Really? What moves would those be?

Tristan: How would I know? Ask an expert. Ask Yugi.

*Yami stands around, silent and unmoving.*

Tristan: *pokes him* Uh, Yugi?

Yami: Huh? Oh, I thought you said you were going to ask first.

*Scene: Joey realizes he doesn't have a card that can beat the three Harpy's Ladies.*

Mai: Ha! And I'm going to keep using the magic of Elegant Egotist to double my Harpies again and again each turn!

Joey: Whazzat? But you tripled 'em the first time.

Téa: I don't think she ever learned to count up to three.

*Scene: Even great plans have drawbacks.*

Mai: But while my Harpies multiply, I can't attack, so it's your turn.

Joey: Hmm... If you always use your turn to increase them, and you can't attack when you do that, then that means that I win!

*Everyone else sweatdrops.*

*Scene: It's still a great plan never-the-less.*

Mai: Of course, you'll be soon be up against an army.

Joey: An army of Harpies. Man, it'll be depressing to be beaten by a bunch of girls.

*Scene: Joey's trying hard to be positive.*

Joey: How the heck do I fight an army?

Yami: *groans* The concept of "it takes an army to fight an army" is even older than "divide and conquer." Do I have to start at the beginning here? *sighs* "If you hit someone, it hurts them..."

*Scene: Yami starts advising Joey, as he so clearly needs it.*

Yami: She's been using only one monster card and strengthening that one card with many magic cards, but there's a serious flaw in her dueling strategy, Joey.

Joey: Using magic on one card? That's true.

Yami: *patiently* Very good, Joey. It's true.

*Scene: Joey repeats everything Yami just said.*

Joey: That's true. She's just been juicing up the Harpy Ladies every turn, but if she has mostly magic cards, maybe the Harpy Ladies are her only monsters. I bet if I can just defeat her Harpies, she won't have any monsters left to play.

Mai: *amused* Don't you think that's taking it a bit far?

Téa: Hey, be nice! He's new at this thinking thing.

*Scene: The hardest instruction Joey's even been given.*

Yami: Now think. What card in your deck can help you win?

Joey: Which of my cards? You tell me. *thinking* Wait! I think maybe you did.

*Flashback to Yugi giving Joey the Time Wizard*

Flashback Yugi: Here, add this to your deck. It can be helpful in a tight spot.


Yami: Uh, that wasn't what I'd meant at all, but if you can work with it, go ahead.

*Scene: Joey wants to draw for the Time Wizard, but is afraid he can't.*

Yami: *psychically* Trust in your cards, Joey. Trust in yourself!

Joey: *jumps* Wagh! How am I supposed to do anything with you doing that, huh?!

*Scene: Joey draws and Yami does his little magic trick to make it be the Time Wizard.*

Mai: Hmm? What good is that thing?

Joey: Don't you know? The Time Wizard can make time go faster, causing my Baby Dragon to grow into a Thousand Dragon.

Téa: But only if you win the Time Roulette.

Joey: Uh, we're ignoring that for today, Téa.

Téa: Oh. Okay...

*Scene: The Time Wizard uses his Time Magic.*

Joey: Baby Dragon, transform into Thousand Dragon!

Baby Dragon: Hey, I might be young, but I'm no Pokémon! I know what to do.

*Scene: Thousand Dragon's Inferno Flame Breath does something nasty to the Harpies, thus winning the duel.*

Téa: *jumping for joy* He did it! Joey won!

Tristan: I knew you could do it!

Joey: Thanks, guys. Although I hadn't quite pictured the need to wipe out all her points at once, but a win's a win, right?

Yami: *sighs* I suppose so...

*Scene: The battle has just finished.*

Joey: Hey, Mai.

Mai: Huh?

Joey: I tried to tell ya, there's more to Duel Monsters than just kickin' the other guy's butt. If you're ever gonna be a real champion, you've got to learn to care about someone other than yourself. Isn't that right, Yugi?

Yami: Mm-hmm. *nods and shifts the power back to Yugi with the accompanying de-electrification of his bangs*

Yugi: *thinking* I'm proud of you, Joey. All your hard work and training paid off. You went from a guy with nothing but eagerness and attitude to a winning duelist that knows how to listen and follow directions.