Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ The Dueling Monkey ( Chapter 10 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*Author's Note: Hehe. I'm back. Like my new jewelry? *holds up arms and flicks ears to make all the gold dance and sparkle in the light* Very pretty, if you ask me... And goes well with my tailring, too!

Anyway, this is the last old chapter I had sitting around my desktop, getting repeatedly lost, deleted, dug out of saved sent-messages, gathering dust, and pretty much taking up a valuable fraction of a megabyte. ... Guess this means I've gotta go find my first Yu-Gi-Oh! tape now, huh?

Bronze Eagle - Hey, thanks for the ideas! Heh... I'd kinda figured that the first reviewer would go and fulfil my request for me like that. Just seemed like what would happen... So thanks for the ideas!! Heaven knows I can use ANYTHING... Even the most famous lines, such as Joey's "I'm six inches tall, wearin' a dress, and about to fight my giant friend?!" or "Nah, this isn't a dream, Tristan. This is just me going insane," are idea-less for me. *sweatdrops* I'm actually slightly worried about that chapter. I'm afraid even living up to par, much less expectations, is going to be hard.

As for giving Bakura a line in the previous chapter... Err, I'm not sure that was exactly... purposeful. I kinda did write that chapter and this one a few months ago, so I don't entirely remember, but... yeah. Whoops. ^_^;;

tefla - Ooh, pixi stix! Heehee. I'm the High Priestess of the Goddess of the Pixi Stix, you know that? Thanks, though!! *snags a pixi stick and gulps it down* Mmm...

Catling: Speaking of religion, did you find any of those "magic bricks" you were looking for?

DG: Nah. They ended up being a bit too big for me to carry easily.

Catling: Guess you're just gonna have to get killed by Yami Yugi then, huh?

DG: Yep, something like that. And I notice that you didn't end up fixing the door while I was gone.

Catling: Yeah, well, these things happen...*

*Scene: Yami was kind enough to let Yugi take over to search for Mokuba.*

Yugi: Mokuba? Mokuba!

Joey: This is no time to be playing hide and seek, kid!

Téa: *standing and watching the boys run around* Didn't we already decide he'd been recaptured not half an hour ago?

*Scene: They gather around.*

Téa: So now they've got your grandpa and Kaiba's little brother, too?

Yugi: Well, actually, they've had Grandpa and Mokuba all this time. It's just that we didn't know about it.

Joey: Geez, man. Stop being so literal.

*Scene: Joey spots some Duel Monsters cards lying around.*

Joey: It's my lucky day!

Tristan: Hands off, those are mine.

Joey: Hey, I saw them first!

Tristan: Yeah, but I'm standing over them!

Joey: Come on, be fair!

*Téa kneels and gathers up the lost cards herself while they're still arguing.*

*Scene: Joey tries to inconspicuously shuffle the Lava Battleguard into his deck.*

Joey: These two look like they're long-lost brothers. Of course, that doesn't mean your boy packs the same kind of wallop mine does.

Tristan: His wallop is just fine! My Lava Battleguard has never let me down!

Téa: Oh, and how many duels have you played so far?

Tristan: *sweats* Uhh... well, uh, surely the precise number doesn't matter exactly...

*Scene: Joey purloins Tristan's card.*

Téa: You know what? I think I kinda see a resemblance between you two and those muscle-heads. *she and Yugi snicker*

Joey: Laugh it up! I take that as a compliment!

*Téa and Yugi laugh even harder.*

*Scene: No-one in the show was ever taught not to stare at the sun.*

Mai: I don't get it. Trashing hotshot duelists is usually as fun as a fall clearance sale. Why can't I enjoy it anymore?

The Random, Faceless Duelist That Mai Just Beat: Finally got yourself a conscience?

*Scene: Mai keeps talking to herself.*

Mai: Grr! It's all because of that obnoxious punk Joey!

TRFDTMJB: Riiight. And your insults aren't obnoxious at allll.

*Scene: Hallucinations of Joey.*

Mai: I've got to get even with that grinning gutter-punk.

Rex: *walks up* Still talking to yourself, Mai?

Mai: No-one better!

*Scene: Enter the show's basis.*

Rex: It's me, Rex Raptor, the Dino Duelist!

Mai: Mm? Were you talking to me, or practicing for your concession speech?

*Scene: Mai values her personal time and protects it with insults.*

Rex: I happen to have been a finalist in this year's regional championship!

Mai: Yes, obviously. Otherwise your room wouldn't have been worth taking, now would it?

*Scene: Back to Joey and Co.*

Téa: Wow. After all the crazy duelists we've been running into, it's nice to see some normal kids for a change.

Yugi: Yeah. At least these guys are only incidentally homicidal, rather than being renowned for it.

*Scene: Teasing.*

Tristan: How about it, tough guy? Any of these tykes puny enough for you to take on, or do you want to go looking for some three-year-olds?

Téa: Come on, be nice. You know Joey's just biding his time until he finds a dueling monkey to challenge. *Yugi laughs along with Tristan, this time*

Joey: What the hell? I've beaten every duelist I've met, so far!

*Scene: Mai shows up, to a surprisingly cold reception.*

Mai: How are you, Joseph? Glad to see me?

Joey: More wonderin' why everybody keeps callin' me "Joseph." Last I checked, that wasn't my name.

*Scene: Mai's not much of a conversationalist.*

Mai: So, Joey, is Yugi still fighting all your battles for you?

Yugi: Nah, I've been too busy battling myself for him to be able to face anyone.

*Scene: The insults.*

Mai: Everyone knows if Yugi wasn't there to hold your hand, you wouldn't have beat me. Isn't that right, Yugi?

Yugi: That's not true.

Mai: Oh, really? Then I propose he steps out of your shadow here and now.

Yugi: *slightly hurt* Is that a height joke or something?

*Scene: The challenge.*

Mai: I'm waiting for your answer, Joey. Think you have the guts to step up and face the duelist I've arranged for you?

Joey: It's not you? You mean you're actually too scared to fight me again, and you're insulting me?

Mai: Uhh... I guess you could put it that way...

*Scene: The opponent.*

Rex: *walks out from behind a tree* I'm dueling on Mai's behalf. Recognize me?

Yugi: That's Rex Raptor.

Joey: This twerp supposed to scare me or somethin'?

Téa: Hey, I thought you woke up in time for the championship match!

Joey: Yeah, well, I'm good at foolin'.

*Scene: The gloating.*

Rex: I can't believe Mai agreed to duel me just for stomping this Amateurous-Rex.

Téa: I can't believe that the Dino Duelist is calling his opponents any kind of Rex.

*Scene: The string.*

Mai: Oh, and by the way, if little Yugi does any of his backseat dueling, then Joey is disqualified and the match automatically goes to Rex. What do you say, Joey?

Joey: I say that we'd better stick some duct tape over Yugi's mouth, then.

Yugi: *touches his Puzzle* And I'd agree.

*Scene: Joey wants to do it all by himself.*

Tristan: You've lost it, Joey! You can believe whatever you want, but I won't just stand here and watch you throw your chips away. *patronizing* I hope you guys don't mind, but little Joey won't be coming out to duel today. Maybe once he grows up we can arrange a playdate.

Joey: That's it!

*Tristan, not undeservingly, gets punched.*

Téa: *sighs; to Tristan* And you thought that was going to help convince him not to duel... how?

*Scene: Tristan takes off.*

Rex: Ah, some trouble in paradise?

Téa: Oh, yeah, such a great paradise, that's filled with cheaters, stealers, hired goons...

*Scene: Joey agrees to the duel for the tenth time.*

Joey: Yugi, no offense, but I want you to keep outta this one.

Yugi: Ah? *nods* Mm.

Téa: Oh, but he looks so pitiful! How could you be so mean to him?? *kneels down and strokes Yugi's hair*

Joey: *baffled* I said "no offense!"

*Scene: Ground-shaking arena appearance.*

Téa: We believe in you, Joey! Just don't forget what you're fighting for!

Joey: What I'm fightin' for? I got that part down.

Téa: Which is, of course, why even after Tristan reminded you of Serenity your only thought was of making her proud.

*Scene: Mai's interruption embarrasses Rex.*

Joey: I can't believe you reduced yourself to being Mai's attack dog.

Rex: 'Least I'm no dueling monkey!

*Joey goes to flames, thoroughly confusing Rex.*

Rex: What? I thought it was an compliment! Well, kinda.

*Scene: Two stars are bet.*

Rex: I bet your deck isn't even prepared for the fields we're playing on.

Joey: *thinking* Man, if he only knew. I still have a hard time figuring out how my cards work, much less worrying about fields!

*Scene: Joey tries to figure out how he's going to do this.*

Joey: *thinking* My best bet's gonna be hittin' him hard and fast.

Yami: *to himself* Great idea, except that's always Rex's strategy, too.

*Scene: There's a reason that it's normally Yami that deals with duels.*

Yugi: Hmm... *darts a few glances over his shoulder* Hey, Téa, keep rooting Joey on for us. I've got to go see about something. *runs off*

Téa: Wha? Yugi!

Yugi: Heeheehee... Wheeeeeeeeee!!! *capers around chasing a butterfly, while Téa sighs in resignation*

*Scene: The Two-Headed King Rex stomps Joey's Baby Dragon.*

Joey: But I didn't get to play my combo!

Rex: And do you know why? Because even three-year-olds know better than to defend on their first move.

Joey: *sweatdrops* Okay, maybe it's not such a bad thing Yugi left, after all. This is painful enough.

*Scene: Utter delight, probably related to how stupid it's making Mai look.*

Rex: Ha! I can't believe you actually did that! You rookie!

Joey: Uh, well, that's because this is aaaaaallll a dreeeeaaaaam... Nooone of this is reeeaaaall... *turns and runs*

*Scene: Joey plays Leogun.*

Rex: You amateur, since we're on a wilderness field, my King Rex gets a nice, fat power bonus. Tough luck for your pussy cat.

Joey: Field bonus?! Now he tells me!

Rex: Heh! I honestly didn't think you'd have anything strong enough it would matter.

*Scene: Joey loses Leogun.*

Rex: King Rex! Foot stomp!

Téa: *winces* I'm not sure how something that could be crushed underfoot like that would have much of a chance, anyway.

*Scene: Axe Raider takes down King Rex, and is taken down by Sword Arm of Dragon.*

Joey: *thinking* That's my third monster he's trashed. Even with a field power bonus I can't beat 'im. *looks to Téa for some support*

Téa: *aloud to herself* Wow, there's a lot less monster-trading in Yugi's duels...

*Joey sighs.*

*Scene: One really has to keep in mind that Téa actually is a better cheerleader than Joey.*

Téa: Joey! Don't let that Dino Dork intimidate you. Remember, we're all right behind you! *blinks* Okay, I knew that sounded dumb even while I was saying it.

*Scene: Tristan is by a lake, splashing water over his bruises.*

Yugi: You okay, Tristan?

Tristan: Yuge? Yeah, of course I am.

Yugi: Okay. I was just kinda worried when I saw you acting like a raccoon, there.

*Scene: Yugi talks to Tristan, probably just as an excuse to get to stand by a pretty lake in front of a sunset.*

Tristan: Yuge? What are you doing here? You should be helping Joey.

Yugi: Joey made it pretty clear he didn't want my help on this one, and since you left, I figured maybe I should, too.

Tristan: I'm really not sure I'm the right choice of role-model here, Yugi.

Yugi: Yeah, well, it's better than some options I can think of. *pings his Puzzle with a fingernail*

*Scene: Tristan is not the most rational creature on the planet.*

Tristan: Me being there and you being there are two totally different things. Without your coaching, Joey won't last two minutes against that conniving little Freakasaurus.

Yugi: Well, by that logic, there's no need for me to go back after all, because it's been at least five.

*Scene: Yet another instant of Yugi cuteness. Of course, Yugi always looks cute, so basically, he's on-screen.*

Yugi: Joey needs to fight this duel on his own, and I gotta let him.

Tristan: Yugi! *grabs said boy by the collar*

Yugi: If I go back on my promise and help Joey, he'll be disqualified. Besides, no matter what you think, strangling me really isn't going to help!

*Scene: Tristan isn't the only one having doubts.*

Joey: If I can't rely on myself, how can I expect my little sister to?

Téa: Well, your little sister isn't here right now, and a little help can go a long way!

*Scene: Stress.*

Joey: Now think. There's gotta be something in this hand that I can play.

Téa: Actually, I'd say there are lots of things you could play. Whether or not you want to play them is another issue.

*Scene: Joey picks a card at random, pretty much.*

Joey: *plays* Time Wizard!

Mai: *thinks* Hmm, that's the card Joey beat me with. Better warn Rex. *pauses* But on the other hand, I rather think I'd prefer to see Rex lose.

*Scene: The great Mai speaketh.*

Mai: Raptor! Watch that Time Wizard!

Téa: And THAT is why you shouldn't announce every move.

*Scene: Rock Ogre in Defense against Megazowler. Is there a rule dictating when Defense monsters are shown and hidden?*

Rex: Reduced to rubble! I sure sent him back to the stone ages.

Téa: *blinks* Add that to the list of bizarre and random euphemisms.

*Scene: Joey plays the Flame Swordsman.*

Mai: Rex, you big dino dummy!

Joey: Flaming Sword of Battle! *Flame Swordsman attacks*

Rex: Tell me how a swordsman can beat a dinosaur!

Mai: *sighs* Haven't you ever read sci-fi? The humans always win!

*Scene: The Flame Swordsman trounces Megazowler.*

Joey: *amazed* I actually won that?

Téa: *sweatdrops* And here I thought you were playing it in Attack Mode for a reason.

*Scene: Gotta love random choice.*

Mai: There is no way Joey could have known that Dinosaur cards are especially vulnerable to fire. That jerk! He totally lucked out on that one.

Joey: Haha! It looks like I found the secret to beating your dinos!

Rex: Grr. Thanks for explaining it to him, Mai! Real big help, there!

*Scene: Flame Swordsman beats card after card after card...*

Rex: This is far from over, you know. One card won't win this for you.

Joey: Yeah, well, it sure seems to be doin' a pretty good job of it!

*Scene: Joey's willin' to go with da flow.*

Joey: Alrighty, then, I'll just bring out another for you. Swamp Battleguard!

Téa: *groans* Don't tell me you forgot about the fire bonus already!

*Scene: Rex draws.*

Rex: Meet the top link of the food chain! Serpent Night Dragon!

Joey: Guess Blue-Eyes don't eat, then.

*Scene: Tristan politely lets Joey finish his flashback before speaking.*

Tristan: Yo, Joey! We're here for ya, buddy! So how 'bout it? You gonna take that card of mine for a test drive or what?

Mai: Huh, maybe it would've been smarter if I'd banned help in general.

*Scene: Joey plays the Lava Battleguard.*

Tristan: Cool! My card's on the field!

Joey: So that's all you wanted? Kinda selfish, don't ya think, guys? ...guys?

*Yugi and Téa just keep looking at each other and giggling like they've been doing ever since Yugi came back. Joey sighs.*

*Scene: The Serpent Night Dragon attacks, and is destroyed.*

Rex: What? My Sonic Blasts are being deflected! How was my Dragon's attack repelled? There aren't any trap cards out!

Tristan: Oh, I get it! The red one blocked for the green one!

Téa: o.o;; Uh-huh. And it strengthened the attack enough to destroy the Dragon... how?

Mai: You're worried way too much about the laws of physics, hun.