Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ Evil Spirit of the Ring ( Chapter 12 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*Author's Note: I would like, at this point, to thank everyone who sent me scenes for this chapter -- the Pharaohs Light and Dark, Brittany, Tefla, and Shadow Takeru. I very much appreciate it -- they're all so FUNNY!!

I would also like to thank my wonderful artist friends, while I'm at it -- Deathstar and, uhh... Non-Death Star, I suppose. Those Angel Yugi pics... I just love 'em! Thank you so much for giving them to me.

I should also express my gratitude to those people who have been emailing me -- particularly Tefla, who has sent me about a dozen passionate emails on the subject of my posting this chapter. It might not have gotten it up faster, but at least I felt guilty about it the whole time! ^_~

Receiving a final but equally important note of thanks are all my reviewers. You're the reason I write this thing -- so keep on reviewing! Praise motivates me, criticism gives me a challenge. So keep on speaking your minds, please!

I will be writing for the new episodes next, but that will not be until early December, because I won't have access to my tape until after Thanksgiving. If this chapter is not enough to amuse you until then, I highly recommend Sasha Janre-Ishtar's fanfic, "Millennium Dark," to be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1005293 (based upon the picture of the same title by Lizeth at http://www.mediaminer.org/fanart/view.php?id=97847). A must-read for all my female fans.

As for the "poll" from the notice for this episode, popular opinion seems to have it that Yami would most likely return to staring at his soulroom door after Shadi had left, although most seem to agree that he shouldn't have to pay for all the traps Shadi broke. Also fondly looked upon was the thought of him hiding away somewhere to cry over the fact that Yugi helped Shadi rather than remaining faithful to him, although I must bow to Bronze Eagle's logic that Yami would have any temper tantrums right out in the open. No-one thought that Shadi would have unlocked anything for Yami to now find, however...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a trophy from Shadow Vitani (thank you!!) and a statuette of Ay from Star (thank you, too!) to fawn over. Farewell!*

*Scene: Poor Yami is shorter even than the other Yamis.*

Yami Yugi: Bakura, what have you done? Why have you taken us to the Shadow Realm?

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* Trying to throw me off, Pharaoh? I'm not so easily fooled. Don't even bother playing ignorant with me.

Yami Yugi: *thinking* Nothing like being over-estimated by one's enemies...

*Scene: Yami Yugi shows his sharp and inquisitive mind. Scene by Shadow Takeru.*

Yami Yugi: Why have you taken us to the Shadow Realm? Why not just challenge me in the forest, when there are arenas not ten feet from us?

Yami Bakura: Because my host kept trying to fling himself from it, that's why.

Yami Yugi: *understandingly* My condolences.

*Scene: Too cute...*

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* "Bakura?" Bakura's no longer here.

Yami Yugi: *sighs* Of course he isn't, but it's either that or "Soulstealer," and the latter doesn't exactly trip off the tongue, does it?

Yami Bakura: *offended* It's better than "Yugi-oh!"

Yami Yugi: Says you!

Yami Bakura: Yes, says me!

Yami Yugi: Ahh, you suck.

*Scene: The problem with psychics is that they refuse to give straight answers.*

Yami Yugi: If you're not Bakura, then who are you?!

Yami Bakura: I am a thief and a stealer of souls, and I have done terrible things in my quest to possess the Millennium Items.

Yami Yugi: Now, now, nobody likes a braggart...

*Scene: The same.*

Yami Bakura: I am a thief and a stealer of souls, and I have done terrible things in my quest to possess the Millennium Items.

Yami Yugi: Uh-huh. And that's gotten you... where?

Yami Bakura: Uhh... Well, that's beside the point! I'm just starting!

Yami Yugi: Riiiiiight...

*Scene: Yami's enemies are always so helpful and informative!*

Yami Bakura: You do remember the legends, don't you? "Whosoever wields all seven Millennium Items will possess power unimaginable."

Yami Yugi: *amused* "All seven," hmm? And how many fake Puzzles did you find before chancing upon mine?

Yami Bakura: *angrily* Far too many! You would not believe how many girls there are with those... cheap imitations around their necks! *slyly* A surprising number look like your host, too.

Yami Yugi: *sighs* Yes, I'm afraid Yugi has a rather large family...

*Scene: Yami Bakura always has that bit of a laugh in his voice. Scene by Tefla.*

Yami Bakura: And before I'm done with you, your Millennium Puzzle will be mine!

Yami Yugi: That's not going to happen, whoever you are! *clutches the Puzzle to his chest, then curses*

Yami Bakura: *smirks* Something wrong?

Yami Yugi: *grimaces* It bit me. I forgot how sharp the edges are.

*Scene: Getting down to business.*

Yami Bakura: Then let the Shadow Game begin.

*They kneel down.*

Yami Yugi: Ugh, it's even colder on the ground! I'll be too stiff to move for a week!

Yami Bakura: Grr, I know. Bakura is completely inconsiderate, choosing a place like this.

Yami Yugi: Yugi tries, he's just pathetic.

Yami Bakura: But then again, aren't they all?

*Scene: The lifepoint counter flashes up.*

Yami Bakura: The first move is yours.

Yami Yugi: It is? How generous of you.

Yami Bakura: *shrugs* The more advantages I give you, the more pathetic it will make you seem as you die.

Yami Yugi: Ah.

*Scene: Yami is so adorable when he's serious but unstressed!*

Yami Yugi: And my first card: the Cyber Commander -- Tristan's favorite.

Yami Bakura: Huh. Playing a modern card, are you? Forsaking your heritage so quickly, Yami?

Yami Yugi: It was either that or keeping it in my hand the entire time, and believe me, that would annoy me more.

*Scene: The Cyber Commander appears, looking like...*

Yami Yugi: Tristan?!

Tristan: Huh? What a weird dream. Huh? Where am I? What's going on here? *turns around* WAAH!

Yami Yugi: *amused* Yugi's fantasized about some very odd places in his dreams, and I've never seen him be so surprised about it.

Yami Bakura: Ah, but it requires intelligence to be surprised, doesn't it?

Yami Yugi: Oh, shut up.

*Scene: Same, by Tefla.*

Yami Yugi: Tristan?!

Tristan: Huh? What a weird dream. Huh? Where am I? What's going on here? *notices the gun he's holding* Whee!

*Scene: Yami starts to sweat.*

Yami Yugi: Bakura must have used his Millennium Ring to capture Tristan's soul within his favorite card.

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* Who's your little friend, Yugi?

Yami Yugi: *frowns slightly* I just said who it was -- twice, in fact.

Yami Bakura: *off-handed* Ahh, but I have such a terrible memory for mortals, you know...

*Scene: Discussion of Tristan. Idea unknowingly donated by my sister.*

Yami Bakura: He looks pretty tough...

Yami Yugi: Tougher than you!

Yami Bakura: *sighs and angrily tugs on a lock of hair* He says it's supposed to make him look like a wolf, but I think he just doesn't know how to use hair gel properly.

Yami Yugi: *smirks* Oh, don't say that! I think it makes you look quite lovely. *snickers*

*Yami Bakura snarls.*

*Scene: Camera switch.*

Yami Bakura: He looks pretty tough, but can he deal with this? *plays* The White Magical Hat. Attack!

Tristan: *blinks as a white top-hat appears on the field* Um... What's so scary about that? Are there bricks under it, or something? I mean, I just don't get it...

*Scene: Nighttime is the best time for freaking out!*

Tristan: Oh, man! I must still be dreaming! Yeah, that's it!

Yami Yugi: Well, if you were dreaming when you started being a Duel Monster, then it would follow logically that you would still be dreaming when you continued being a Duel Monster, wouldn't it?

*Scene: Tristan learns the hard way why you shouldn't rely on weak monsters. Or, knowing him, he probably fails to learn it.*

Yami Yugi: Where is he? What have you done with Tristan?!

Yami Bakura: Your friend is gone, on his way to the discard pile -- or the Graveyard, as we call it in Duel Monsters.

Yami Yugi: Hmm. So you finally figured out who Tristan was, then?

Yami Bakura: *caught* I... *breaks off and grumbles* Stupid Pharaoh...

*Scene: In the graveyard.*

Tristan: Man, this place is creepin' me out big time. *sighs* I guess I got called here 'cause GI Joe was busy. The jerk.

*Scene: Tristan refuses to walk around tombstones, and so is forced to get his hands dirty. Idea by the Pharaohs Light and Dark.*

Tristan: Huh? What's this? *brushes off the rock* No!! According to this tombstone, Elvis is dead!! *pauses for a moment* But wait... I knew that already...

*Scene: Same.*

Tristan: No!! According to this tombstone, Tristan Taylor is dead!! *starts sobbing* Poor Tristan... I always feel such camaraderie with people who share my first name...

*Scene: Yami Bakura takes an active delight in knowing more than the old Game King.*

Yami Bakura: You made a sloppy move, and now your friend, he paid with it with his very soul!

Yami Yugi: In my defense, it wasn't a sloppy move. It wasn't a good one, true, but it was the best I could do with the cards I had drawn. And... and... wow, that really does sound amazingly callous, doesn't it?

*Scene: Dilemmas, dilemmas.*

Yami/Yugi: *thinking* I'd avoid using the cards that have my friends' souls trapped in them if I could, but to save my friends, I have to win. And with all of their cards cluttering up my hand and disturbing the Heart of the Cards, I can't draw anything better.

*Scene: Yami Yugi plays the Flame Swordsman.*

Joey: Hey? What gives? Hey, Yugi... *turns around* AAAAHH! What da...! You're a giant!

Yami Yugi: I'm not sure I like the fact that my aibou plays such an integral part of your dreams that you expected him to be right there.

*Joey chuckles nervously and blushes.*

*Scene: Yami Bakura patiently... well, kneels, through his opponent's quick synopsis.*

Yami Yugi: Joey, listen to me. Your soul has been sealed inside your favorite card. You've become the Flame Swordsman.

Joey: I'm da who?! This isn't my favorite card! ... Uhh, I mean, of course it's my favorite card! It's just that I am it, you know, and... uhh... *sweatdrops* I shoulda just left it be, huh?

Yami Yugi: Ohh, yeah.

*Scene: Joey's better built than one might guess, isn't he?*

Yami Yugi: If I don't win this duel, we can't restore you to normal.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. "We?" Who else is in on this?

Yami Yugi: Just me. Well, not "just" me, but just me and... the other me...

Joey: *blink, blink* I think I was happier not knowing...

*Scene: Ignorance is bliss.*

Yami Yugi: ...but if you're defeated in this battle, you'll be carried off to the card graveyard, just like Tristan was.

Joey: Graveyard?!

Yami Yugi: Yes, and I'm sorry.

Joey: Sorry? But I'm not gonna die! ...right?

Yami Yugi: I can't say for sure, although I hope n... *frowns* Did you even hear what I just said about Tristan?

Joey: Huh? Tristan? What about 'im?

*Yami Yugi sighs while Yami Bakura throws back his head and laughs.*

*Scene: Blue is an excellent background color for Yami.*

Yami Yugi: In order for me to win this duel, restore you all back to your bodies, and get us out of the Shadow Realm, I'm going to need your help.

Joey: You'll need my help? Since when da heck did you get to decide on the plans in situations like dis?!

Yami Yugi: Since I played you on the field, that's when. *nudges Joey's card with a finger, nearly sending the little Swordsman flying*

Joey: Whoa! *staggers* Okay, okay, I get da point!

*Scene: Yami Yugi speaks compassionately only to Yugi, Joey, and Kaiba.*

Yami Yugi: Are you sure you're okay?

Joey: Okay? I figure I've lost my mind, but I'm gonna go with it.

Yami Bakura: Oh? You ever had one?

Joey: Ha, ha...

*Scene: Joey accepts his part willingly.*

Joey: Now, who wants a beatin', huh? AAAAH! Giant Bakura?!

Yami Bakura: *snickers* If you think you could defeat me, far be it from me to stop you trying. *leans over and pats Joey on the head with a single finger, nearly knocking him out*

Yami Yugi: Hey! No damaging the monsters! Even if they are people!

*Scene: At least he's logical.*

Joey: Now I know I'm nuts! I'm like six inches tall, wearin' a dress, about to fight my giant friend?

Yami Yugi: You don't need to both be six inches tall and be fighting giant people, you know. That throws the proportions all off.

Joey: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say...

*Scene: So many possibilities for a line like this.*

Joey: I'm like six inches tall, wearin' a dress, about to fight my giant friend?!

Yami Bakura: *sharply* What's wrong with wearing a dress?

Yami Yugi: Everyone wore them back in our time!

Yami Bakura: The climate required it!

Yami Yugi: Not to mention being more comfortable than your odd modern "fashions."

Yami Bakura: I suggest you pick your complaints with more care!

*Joey cowers away from the two towering Yamis.*

*Scene: A final riff on that scene, this time by my new friend, Tefla.*

Joey: I'm like six inches tall, wearin' a dress, about to fight my giant friend?!

Yami Bakura: That's right. *gets an amused look on his face and speaks in a patronizing way* You get a gold star.

*Scene: Away from Joey, who should be grateful that at least he gets to wear tights.*

Yami Yugi: That's not really Bakura. An evil spirit from his Millennium Ring has taken him over.

Joey: Well... I have no idea what you're talkin' about, so here goes nothin'! *attacks*

Yami Bakura: *conversationally* So, does that mean he wouldn't obey you if he understood you?

Yami Yugi: I'm not sure I want to find out...

*Scene: Flaming Sword of Battle, only without the, you know, flame.*

Joey: Say goodbye to the Cat in the Hat!

Yami Yugi: The what?

Yami Bakura: Who would put a hat on a cat?

Yami Yugi: Cats are very holy animals! That would be disrespectful to their dignity!

Joey: *sweatdrops* It's just an expression, guys...

*Scene: Bakura's points drop 800.*

Joey: Whoaa, man! I did it, Yugi!

Yami Yugi: Very good. You've managed not to break the rules of the game, yet. I'm very proud of you.

*Joey sweatdrops while Yami Bakura laughs appreciatively.*

*Scene: Yami Bakura plays another card, which Joey gleefully attacks.*

Yami Bakura: What a dolt.

Yami Yugi: It was a Morphing Jar!

Joey: Huh? A Morphin' Jar? Did I screw up?

Yami Yugi: Oh, no. I'm sure that it was for the best that you ignored my commands and attacked that card. After all, I'm merely the duelist. That I am the only one who can plan strategy here is surely immaterial. So, no. No, you just feel free to do whatever you want...

*Scene: The duelists abandon their hands and draw anew.*

Yugi: *thinking* Ah! The Dark Magician! He's my favorite card! But is it also my soul-card? What happens when I play it? Will I look as silly as they do?

Yami Yugi: *mentally* Yes, you will. And have fun with that!

*Scene: You have to love Yami Bakura's constant humor. And the humor of the Pharaohs, who contributed this idea.*

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* With a new hand... *plays a card* ...comes a whole new perspective. The game... *plays another* ...ever shifting... new dangers surround every turn.

Joey: Alright, just be quiet unless ya got somethin' useful to say, buddy!

Yami Yugi: Yes. You were sounding more disjointed than Joey, there.

Joey: HEY!!

*Scene: Poor Yami's in a bind.*

Yugi: *thinking* He's trying to freak me out... but I can't figure out what he's up to!

Yami Yugi: *mentally* Trying to freak us out, from the sounds of it.

*Scene: Apparently the risk of collapsing in a senseless heap is not that worrying.*

Yugi: *thinking* I'm just going to have to risk playing...

Yami Yugi: *aloud* The Dark Magician! *watches as Yugi appears on the field below, and sighs* First body I've had to myself in millennia, and I'm stuck in the Shadow Realm with it... Figures.

*Scene: Yugi's not only in a dress, he's in a purple dress.*

Yami Yugi: And I'll play a magic card that allows me to revive monsters from the Graveyard -- Reborn the Monster!

Yami Bakura: *sarcastic* Oh, is that what it does? Thank you so very much for your explanation -- I never would have guessed!

*Scene: With a glow of the ankh that symbolizes Reborn the Monster, the Cyber Commander reappears.*

Tristan: Joey? Yugi? You guys dreamin' this, too?

Joey: Nah, this ain't no dream, Tristan. This is just me goin' insane. S'all one big delusion.

Yugi: Oh, now that makes no sense! I'm the one in charge up there, so this must be my fantasy.

Yami Yugi: *amused* Or maybe it's Bakura's over there.

Tristan: ...Bakura? *looks over at him nervously*

Yami Bakura: *laughs* Yes, I rather like the implications of that!

*Scene: It must have been a struggle to force all of Yugi's hair inside that cap.*

Yugi: But just one second ago, I was up there.

Tristan: Yeah, if you're down here, who's that up there?

Yugi: Well, you know how you guys were just saying that this was you going crazy?

Tristan: Yeah, go on...

Yugi: Well, I actually am kinda... schizophrenic, you might say.

Tristan: Wow. I never knew that was actually useful for something!

*Scene: The first scene ever to be written for As If!.*

Tristan: If you're down here, who's that up there?

Yugi: I don't know.

Yami Yugi: Don't you?

Yugi: Ah, well, I have noticed that, sometimes, when I duel, it feels as if someone is guiding me.

Yami Yugi: *nods approvingly* Mm.

Yugi: And sometimes it's like I can hear a strong voice calling out to me from my Millennium Puzzle -- an ancient, powerful voice.

Joey: Huh?

Tristan: Really?

Yugi: And then sometimes, at night, there's...

Joey: *sweatdrops and clamps a hand over Yugi's mouth* Okay, that's more'n enough of that.

Tristan: Yeah, we get the point, don't worry.

*Scene: Same, this time suggested by the Pharaohs Lightie and Darkie.*

Yugi: And sometimes it's like I can hear a strong voice calling out to me from my Millennium Puzzle -- an ancient, powerful voice.

Joey: Huh?

Tristan: Really?

Yugi: Yeah... It tells me to kill people...

Tristan: Uhh...

Joey: That's, uh... nice...

*The boys nervously back away from Yugi.*

*Scene: Same.*

Yugi: Well, I have noticed that, sometimes, when I duel, it feels as if someone is guiding me.

Joey: Waiit, wait, wait. You mean that isn't you playing all them killer moves?

Yugi: Well, no, not exactly.

Joey: Haha! I knew it!! *dances and sings* I'm a better duelist than Yugi! I'm a better duelist than Yugi!

Yugi: *sweatdrops* If he hadn't just admitted that he's insane, I'd be disturbed by that.

*Scene: I suppose it's just fate that Yugi's eyes exactly match the color of his outfit?*

Yugi: I'm not sure what it's all about, guys, but I'm pretty sure we can trust him, whoever he is. I mean, he kind of has some homicidal tendencies, but they're always justified. So as long as we play by the rules, I think we'll be okay.

*Joey and Tristan look at Yugi oddly and edge away from him.*

*Scene: Joey gets bored of all this talk.*

Joey: Hey, if da big guy is okay in your book, then he's okay by me.

Tristan: Yeah!

Yami Yugi: So you're going to listen to the most gullible member of your group, is that it?

Joey: *looks up* Are ya sayin'... we shouldn't trust ya?

Yami Yugi: *shrugs* It doesn't affect me one way or the other. I just felt I should point out the asininity.

Yugi: *sighs* He's always like this...

*Scene: Yugi attacks the card Yami Bakura played, which turns out to be another Morphing Jar.*

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* We'll have to send all the cards in our hands to the Graveyard again.

Tristan: Why is he so happy about that? I mean, the other you's been so busy about playing us that he hasn't had time to think about strategy yet!

Yugi: Uh... Well, you'd really have to be a duelist to understand it.

Tristan: I'm a Duel Monster! Doesn't that count for anything?

Yugi: Umm... No, 'fraid not.

*Tristan sighs.*

*Scene: Yugi turns around, sounding heartbroken at having failed his other.*

Yugi: I'm sorry.

Joey: S'okay, man, I did the same thing.

Yugi: Yeah, I know. And I also know how much it irritated me when you did.

*Scene: It's Yami Yugi's turn to sound agonized.*

Yami Yugi: No! The Magician of Faith!

Yami Bakura: Hmm, isn't that Téa's favorite card? Do you suppose that her mortal soul is trapped within it? Hmm, I wonder? Maybe you should play it and find out.

Joey: Come on, why would we want to satisfy your curiosity?

Yugi: I think that's the point, Joey -- the other me has no choice.

Yami Bakura: *smirks* And what a pity it is...

Monsters: Oh, shut UP!!

*Scene: Same, by the Pharaohs.*

Yami Bakura: Hmm, isn't that Téa's favorite card? Do you suppose that her mortal soul is trapped within it?

Yami Yugi: No, I don't. *sarcastic* I mean, everyone else is in their favorite card, so Téa? No way!

*Scene: Yami Bakura continues his taunting. Idea by the fabulous Pharaohs again.*

Yami Bakura: A dilemma, and while you decide, I'll just activate this Trap Card. Just Desserts!

Joey: Oh, WOW!!

Tristan: Look at that! All those cakes, and cookies...!

Joey and Tristan: SNACK BREAK!! *they both dive upon the pile of confectioneries that have suddenly appeared on the field*

Yami Yugi: *blinks*

Yugi: *sweatdrops and sighs*

*Scene: Yami Yugi looks so... young when he's hurt.*

Yami Bakura: Just Desserts takes five hundred points from each of your monsters on the field.

Tristan: Wow. It's a good thing he'd played me in Defense Mode before, or we'd really be in trouble! And, uh, did that sound as weird as I think it did?

Joey: More, I'd say.

*Scene: Yami Yugi manages to avoid collapsing and squishing his tiny friends.*

Tristan: Big Yugi! Are you okay?

Yami Yugi: Yes, but... *breaks off* What are you guys doing off your cards?

*The mortals sweatdrop and try to return to their proper places as nonchalantly as possible*

Joey: Uh, nothing...

Tristan: Yeah, uh, no need to bother about us...

*Scene: Everyone but Yugi and Evil Bakura express concern over the situation.*

Tristan: Whoa! That Trap Card just nailed Yugi's life points. Or maybe I should say, our life points.

Joey: Well, it did take out that many 'cause there were the three of us here, so I guess, yeah.

*Scene: Back up to the wincing Yami.*

Yami Yugi: Another hit like that, and it could be over for all of us. Téa's soul card is not safe in my hand -- I'll have to play it.

Yugi: Bit of a non sequitur there, don't you think, Spirit?

Yami Yugi: Not really. You see, I consider it possible that she would be more obedient. We never had that problem back in my day, you know -- if I monster wasn't going to fight for you, it would kill you. Made things much simpler.

*Scene: Téa pokes her cheery little head up.*

Téa: Hey! What's up?

*The boys sweatdrop.*

Yugi: Wow. She's the first one of us to be happy to wake up here.

Joey: Always knew she was a freak!

*Scene: Today, in the "Téa Discovers..." series, we have... "Téa Discovers Accessories!"*

Téa: What the... What's this?! *laughs* H-hey! It's defying the laws of gravity! *pokes the golden centerpiece of her staff, then draws her hand back as if burned* OUCH!

Yami Yugi: *over Yami Bakura's laughter* A word of advice, Téa -- if something looks like it's not meant to be there, then that's probably better for it than for you. I would advise you to leave such things alone.

Téa: *goes starry-eyed* Wow... He talked to me...

*Yugi sighs.*

*Scene: The story so far.*

Joey: Shush! Bakura and Yugi are big duelin' giants, and are fightin' for our souls!

Yami Bakura: Actually, I couldn't care less about your souls. I'm fighting for his Millennium Item.

Yami Yugi: And I'm trading being able to win his Millennium Item for rescuing you, so you had better be grateful when this is all over!

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, really grateful!! *nods vigorously*

*Scene: The obvious point.*

Téa: But Yugi's right here!

Yugi: Yeah, well, the big guy's not really me, but he's not really not me, uhh...

Téa: Huh?

Yami Bakura: "Not really not me," hmm? Fascinating philosophy your host has there, Pharaoh. And such a way with words!

Yami Yugi: *sighs* Him and the lot of them.

*Scene: Téa, not being a duelist, has no logic at all.*

Yugi: I know it's complicated, but it has something to do with the Millennium Items Bakura and I have. It's some kind of magic.

Téa: Magic? So I'm not crazy!

Yugi: *distressed blush* Not unless we're all going crazy.

Joey: Or you just think that everybody else is not going crazy with you.

Tristan: That'd work, too.

*Scene: The best explanation of the day.*

Joey: Just think of it this way, Téa. There are two Yugis -- the cool one up there, and the puny one down here.

Yugi: Agh! *anime fall*

Téa: Huh?

Joey: See what I mean? He just falls over without any kind of reason!

*Scene: Yugi springs to his feet, almost apoplectic.*

Yugi: Ohh, that's now how it works at all!!

Yami Yugi: *smirks* Really? Could have fooled me...

Yugi: ... *goes and sits in a corner of the board, drawing circles on the floor with a finger* Nobody respects me...

*Scene: Joey's apologies fall on deaf ears.*

Yugi: You forget that here I have the powers of the Dark Magician!

Tristan: Uhh, Yugi? I wouldn't do that if I were you...

Yugi: Oh, yeah? Well, Joey did it when he was him, so I don't see why I can't show off, too!

*Scene: There's something about stalking that just doesn't work when you're that short.*

Yugi: I'll show you who's puny around here! *points his staff at Bakura's Defense Card, upon which a small, purple, furry thing appears* See? Now that is puny!

*The Electric Lizard chitters indignantly.*

*Scene: Little inverted Dark Magician Yugi.*

Yugi: Dark Magic Attack!

Joey: *blinks* "Dark Magician Attack?"

Tristan: Why would he announce his attack? I mean, isn't that the duelist's job?

Téa: I didn't know Duel Monsters could talk! How cool!

*Joey and Tristan look at Téa oddly.*

*Scene: Poor Yugi is brought to his knees, just in his moment of triumph.*

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* You can't attack the Electric Lizard without some rather shocking feedback. A lesson your little Yugi won't soon forget.

Yami Yugi: I'm not sure about that... I fear you may be giving him too much credit.

Yami Bakura: Hmm. Yes, I suppose I might.

*Scene: Yami Yugi plays a trap and ends his turn, so the boys that can still move leap to Téa's defense.*

Yami Bakura: Don't bother, you fools, I can see her perfectly well.

Yami Yugi: *sighs* And I'd had such hope for her, too. The boys can't not attack, and the girl can't stay quiet!

Yami Bakura: Yes, mortals these days have no sense of respect, do they?

Yami Yugi: *sighs again* So very true...

*Scene: A joke once attributable to the Pharaohs, but now so thoroughly mangled that I doubt they'd even want to lay claim to it.*

Yami Bakura: Now I have all four of you right where I want you -- helpless on the field, easy prey for my Man-Eater Bug!

Joey: Helpless? Whaddya mean, helpless?!

Tristan: Yeah! We've got lots of stuff we can do to protect ourselves! *whacks Joey over the head with his gun*

Joey: OW! What the heck'd you do that for?!

Tristan: Just demonstrating...

Joey: I'll demonstrate you! *pounces on Tristan in a classic dust-ball fight*

Yugi: *worriedly, to Téa* I'm just hoping there'll be people left for Yami Bakura to attack...

*Scene: Yami Bakura plays one of his favorite monsters.*

Téa: Man-Eater Bug? Glad I'm a girl.

Joey: Yeah. *sighs* "Always protect th' girls first." Man, what I'd give for an equal society...

*Scene: Less bitterness over traditional gender roles.*

Joey: Yugi? What's that card do?

Yugi: *pained* The Man-Eater Bug can rip... Duel Monsters apart with his sharp claws... or even eat them whole!

Tristan: *shocked* Ew.

Téa: Talk about too much information!

*Scene: No, seriously, its special ability is to automatically destroy a monster.*

Tristan: Guys, I really don't wanna go back to that graveyard!

Joey: Don't you worry, Tristan, none of us are goin' back!

Téa: Well, actually, he's the only one that would be going back.

Joey: Yeah, right. So don't be thinkin' you're off the hook quite yet.

*Téa sweatdrops.*

*Scene: Alas, Joey's optimism proves to be unfounded.*

Joey: What are you sayin', Yuge, that one of us is gonna end up worm food?

Yugi: I'm saying that there's only one way out of this... and we're standing on it!

Tristan: Huh? How do you know that? Big Yugi could have played anything there!

Yugi: Yeah, well... It seems like a good guess...

*Scene: Everyone agrees that the Trap Card is a good idea.*

Yugi: Yeah, but I'm afraid to use it. The card requires that we sacrifice a creature.

Téa: You mean... one of us?

Tristan: But what good would that do? If one of us is going to die either way, why waste a Trap when we could save that for later?

Joey: Yeah! Even the weakest of us could defeat that thing. Its attack points are pathetic!

Tristan: HEY!

Joey: What? I was just agreein' with ya, there!

Tristan: *mutters dourly* Sure ya were, Joey...

*Scene: Tristan volunteers to be sacrificed.*

Tristan: Think about it. That Man-Eater Bug's gonna take one of us out no matter what we do. At least this way, I'm taking it out, too. *gets hit by the sword of a rather demonic-looking Flame Swordsman* UHH! I guess you disagree... *collapses, and dies*


Yugi: Joey!! You can't DO that here! You were tons stronger than him!!

Joey: ... SHIT!!

*Scene: No, no, he was merely ko'd. *sighs* What sadness...*

Joey: You just got back from the Graveyard. If anyone's goin', it's me.

Yugi: Joey, wait! That makes no sense! We need your strength!!

*But, alas, Joey rushes in and dies.*

Tristan: Well, I guess we're pretty well screwed now...

*Scene: Joey leaps upon his prey.*

Joey: How tough can this bug be?

Yami Bakura: Just how tough does it need to be, if it can kill you automatically?

*Scene: After some desperate pleading from Joey, Yami Yugi finally nods his assent and sacrifices him.*

Yami Yugi: The Horn of Heaven! Blasting its celestial tune directly at your Man-Eater Bug, obliterating him from the field once and for all!

Joey: Ain't the most comforting last words I ever heard of... *dies*

*Scene: With a "reassuring" shout, Joey vanishes in a blast of light.*

Tristan: He's gone. Just like that, my best buddy's gone.

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* Ever notice how things seem ever so much more dear once you've lost them?

Téa: Oh, shut up! This isn't the right time for social commentary.

Yami Bakura: *pretends to be hurt* And here I was trying to make conversation!

*Scene: Yugi finally regains his feet, not that it helps anything. Idea donated by the Pharaohs.*

Tristan: He's gone. Just like that, my best buddy's gone.

Yami Bakura: *chuckles* Don't worry. You'll soon be joining him in the Graveyard. You can spend an eternity together.

Téa: Well, at least there's that upside to it.

Yugi: *shocked* What, aren't you at all saddened by this?

Téa: Seems to me the rest of us will be dead within a couple of minutes anyway, so it doesn't really seem worth it.

Yugi: Oh...

*Scene: Across the dimensions. Idea shamelessly stolen from the Pokester.*

Joey: Huh, the Graveyard. Pretty cool. If it weren't for the whole me-being-dead thing, this would be one hell of a field trip!

*Scene: Joey spots something that makes him less than happy.*

Joey: The Reaper of Cards, and he's come for me?! Ohh, no!!

Reaper: *shrugs* I don't see what your big problem is. After all, you're already dead. What else could I do to you?

*Scene: Same, by the Pharaohs.*

Joey: The Reaper of Cards, and he's come for me?! Ohh, no!!

Reaper: Actually, I'm coming for that tasty burger sitting on that tombstone right behind you.

Joey: *blinks* Oh... whoops.

*Scene: Yami Bakura has never heard of having multiple copies of a card in one's deck.*

Yami Bakura: I hope you don't harbor any illusions about rescuing your friend Joey from the Graveyard. You already played Reborn the Monster, the only way to get him back.

Yami Yugi: *smirks* Well, you realize what you've done now.

Yami Bakura: What do you mean?!

Yami Yugi: As soon as someone declares something "impossible," a way will immediately be found to prove them wrong. It's one of the great laws of the universe.

*Scene: Téa starts crying and glowing.*

Yugi: Huh? Téa? *turns*

Tristan: Hey, how'd you know it wasn't me? I was in the same direction behind you!

Yugi: Umm... Lemme get back to you on that. Once we've left here. And you don't remember anymore to ask again.

*Scene: Téa sure has snazzy boots.*

Yugi: Wait! She's the Magician of Faith! Téa's tear activated the magic effect of her favorite card!

Tristan: It did? Once again, isn't that the duelist's job?

Yugi: I guess Yami's being lazy today...

*Yami Yugi scowls, making Yugi laugh nervously.*

*Scene: Téa stops glowing. Then starts again. And then, just for the heck of it, stops again.*

Yami Yugi: The effect of the Magician of Faith allows me to bring back one magic card from the discard pile and add it to my hand.

Tristan: *blinks* Why did it siphon the card off of her like that? Couldn't he have just picked the thing up?

Yugi: Uhh, I guess it's more special this way.

*Scene: Same, by Brittany.*

Yami Yugi: And the card I choose: Reborn the Monster, which I play now!

*Joey appears on the field, headless.*

Yugi: Dammit, Téa, couldn't you have started crying a second sooner?

*Scene: Same, this time by the Pharaohs.*

Yami Yugi: And the card I choose: Reborn the Monster, which I play now!

Joey: *appears, cowering and crying* Aaaah, no, I dun wanna... Huh? Wha?

*And in the Graveyard...*

Reaper: *slashes just when Joey disappears, and so loses his balance, falls out of the air, and stubs his non-existent nose on the ground* OWCH! *grumbles* God-damn magic cards... Stupid frickin'... Ohh, when I get my hands on the bastard that invented them...!

*Scene: Yami Bakura starts to get impatient.*

Yami Bakura: You waste your time and your turns rescuing these foolish mortals.

Yami Yugi: *smirks* I'd think that would make you happy. Why so sour?

Yami Bakura: You're supposed to be the Game King! Have you no honor?! To think that the alleged "greatest duelist" is as pathetic as this is an insult to the entire game -- to everything that we dark spirits stand for!

Joey: Uhh... Did I miss much while I was gone, or did that go over everybody's head?

*Scene: Same.*

Yami Bakura: You waste your time and your turns rescuing these foolish mortals.

Yami Yugi: My friends are never a waste of time. The waste of turns, however...

*Scene: And again.*

Yami Bakura: You waste your time and your turns rescuing these foolish mortals.

Yami Yugi: My friends are never a waste of time. Make your move.

Téa: Hey, he didn't say that we weren't foolish!

Tristan: Sometimes, I think you just have to take what you can get.

*Scene: Yami Bakura plays the Lady of Faith and...*

Yugi: Change of Heart?! Isn't that Bakura's favorite card?

Yami Bakura: And a very magical card it is!

Tristan: Well, one should hope so, what with it being a MAGIC Card and all...

*Scene: Poor Yami Yugi seems pretty much doomed, now.*

Yami Bakura: With this card I can turn you against your comrades. The very friends you sought to protect you will now destroy.

Yugi: No! I refuse!

Yami Bakura: Who said I was talking to you? You conceited little brat.

Yugi: *offended* Well, I am the strongest monster here...

Yami Bakura: Ah, but emotional turmoil can be so much more painful, you know.

*Scene: Snazzy depictions of Yugi destroying his friends.*

Yugi: No! I refuse!

Yami Bakura: You won't have a choice in the matter! The Change of Heart card allows me to control any opposing monster, and I choose you, little Yugi!

Yami Yugi: Horrific as that thought is, I dare you to get more obedience out of him than I have been able to.

Yami Bakura: ... *groans* Why couldn't you have played a card that had the fear of eternity struck into it like a good spirit?!

*Scene: Yami attempts to be a guardian, but fails miserably.*

Yami Yugi: Leave the young one out of this!

Yami Bakura: Why should I? By simply destroying him, I defeat you, as well!

Yami Yugi: You have no sense of "the fun of the game," do you?

*Scene: Brittany's wonderful take on the previous.*

Yami Bakura: The Change of Heart card allows me to control any opposing monster, and I choose you, little Yugi!


Yami Yugi: Leave the young one out of this!

Yugi: I'M NOT YOUNG!! *pouts*

*Scene: The most re-used line of the series.*

Yami Bakura: You're here to guide and protect him?! Then pr...

Yami Yugi: *cuts in* I am? Since when?

Yami Bakura: *thrown off-track* Well, I just presumed...

Yami Yugi: Ever consider that he's just convenient? Him being the only person who can solve the Millennium Puzzle?

Yami Bakura: Well, no, I... hadn't.

Yugi Yami: *shakes head and mutters* I just can't stand people who presume they're so much different from everybody else.

*Yami Bakura gapes like a grounded fish.*

*Scene: Yami Bakura plays, but Yugi remains safe... for the moment.*

Joey: It's Bakura!

Téa: The REAL Bakura!

Tristan: Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on.

*Téa growls while Bakura looks innocently startled and confused.*

*Scene: Donated by Chocolate and Vanilla... Er, I mean, the Pharaohs Light and Dark.*

Joey: It's Bakura!

Téa: The REAL Bakura!

Tristan: *snickers* The undressed Bakura!

Joey: *laughs* Hey, yeah! *too-politely* I'm sorry, did we disturb your rest, Bakura?

Tristan: Maybe he read the invitation wrong -- "slumber party" rather than "battle for our souls!"

Téa: *pouts* I can't believe he remembered to pack a nightgown and I didn't! *blinks* "Nightgown?" Oh, I get it now! *starts laughing, too*

Yami Bakura: *annoyed* Oh, just make one of them move already!

Yami Yugi: *resigned* As soon as I can get a word in edgewise...

*Scene: Same, by someone other than me... I can't remember who, though, but I will gladly acknowledge the author if they tell me!*

Téa: The REAL Bakura!

Bakura: *startled* What, am I... in control? Playing?!

Tristan: Huh?

Joey: *looks up* You mean the big one's the real one now? Huh??

Yugi: I guess the evil Bakura accidentally trapped his own soul in that card, instead!

Yami Bakura: *curses far less tamely than Yami Yugi tends to*

*Scene: Ahh, the symbolism. Is he an angel or is he a devil? The world shall never know...*

Yugi: Bakura! So your soul was sealed into your favorite card, too!

Joey: *snickers* So what's it like to be in a girl card like that?

Téa: JOEY!! *whaps him over the head with her staff*

*Scene: Same.*

Yugi: Bakura! So your soul was sealed into your favorite card, too!

Tristan: Wow. I never really thought of Magic Cards as having personalities.

*Scene: And again.*

Yugi: Bakura! So your soul was sealed into your favorite card, too! *blinks* But then... if you took me over... would I get to go scott-free?

Bakura: Do you really want to test it?

Yugi: *shrugs* I played myself down here in the first place, didn't I?

*Scene: Little Tenshi/Akuma Bakura speaks without talking.*

Bakura: I want to help, but we must act quickly, Yugi! *flies over to the Lady of Faith, but runs into her rather than taking her over* Ow!

Yami Bakura: *drums his fingers against the tree-stump* I said "opposing monsters" for a reason, you dolt.

Bakura: Uhh... *blushes* Perhaps I just felt like being violent! *gives the Lady of Faith a half-hearted punch in the arm. She responds by stamping on his foot, leaving poor Bakura hopping and howling in pain*

Yami Bakura: *groans* Anyone who does me the favor of killing him can go free...

*Scene: Bakura takes over the Lady of Faith rather than Yugi. Scene by Brittany.*

Joey: Teehee! Bakura looks like a girl!

Tristan: You've never noticed?!

*Scene: Bakura's master plan.*

Bakura: I've taken over one of his cards instead of yours. I'll control her while you attack me. You can win against the evil Bakura!

Yugi: I can't! I'd be destroying you, sending you to the Graveyard!

Bakura: *throws his arms in the air in disgust* What is this? You can save your life and the lives of four of your friends and you're throwing it away?! Have a sense of perspective!

Joey: He's got a point, dere. Hmm... Hate to do this, Bakura. You've been a good pal. *lunges at Lady Bakura with his sword*

Bakura: AAAH! What are you doing?! I didn't mean it!! *runs away*

Joey: Hold still, damn you! *chases Bakura around the board*

Yami Yugi: Uhh...

Tristan: Wow. He can run pretty fast for someone in heels.

*Scene: Temper, temper!*

Bakura: I don't care, it's better than being enslaved by an evil spirit. DO IT!!!

Yami Bakura: BE QUIET!

Yami Yugi: I have a better idea! Let the young one rant. We have no choice but to kill him -- we should at least let him say his few final words.

Bakura: *nods and smiles at Yami Yugi* Thank you.

*Yami Bakura sits back and sulks.*

*Scene: A new variant.*

Yami Yugi: I have a better idea! If the evil power of Bakura's Millennium Ring can pull souls from people, perhaps the power from my Millennium Puzzle can put them back!

Yami Bakura: *taps his now-tiny foot* *bitterly* Is there anything that it can't do?

Yami Yugi: Once I've been given the basic idea? Nope, not really.

Yami Bakura: *curses unspeakably*

*Scene: With a scream, the Bakuras are switched.*

Joey: All right! Our Bakura's back where he belongs!

Tristan: Uhh... how can you tell?

Joey: Um... Well, there's the, uh... errr...

*Bakura sighs.*

*Scene: Same.*

Joey: All right! Our Bakura's back where he belongs!

Bakura: Your Bakura? Don't tell me I went through all that just to be beholden to another group of people now!

*Scene: An odd little animation showing that Yami Bakura is wearing his jeans under his new gown. Makes me wonder what Bakura was wearing...*

Tristan: But where's the evil dude?

Yami Bakura: *sulkily* I resent that title...

*Scene: A more disturbing oddity.*

Yami Yugi: Listen closely, Yugi. Use the power of the Dark Magician. Send him to the Graveyard, NOW!

Yugi: Uhh, I'm still against killing, you know.

Yami Yugi: *now looking thoroughly ridiculous in his vengeful pose* Oh, for gods' sakes...

*Scene: A final, excellent idea by the Pharaohs.*

Yami Yugi: Listen closely, Yugi. Use the power of the Dark Magician. Send him to the Graveyard, NOW!

Yami Bakura: *panicked* NO, YOU CAN'T!! What will the Evil Soul-Stealing Tomb-Raiding Association say?! I'd never live down being banished in a... in a DRESS!!!

*Bakura leans against the tree stump, laughing uncontrollably.*

*Scene: To the Graveyard!*

Yami Bakura: The Puzzle was almost mine! *looks around and spots the Reaper of Cards* AAAAAAAHH!!! *stumbles back a pace, then smirks abashedly, in that way only he could* Oh, sorry. You startled me there.

Reaper: It's perfectly alright. Happens all the time around here.

*Scene: Later on. Graveyard scene by Brittany.*

Reaper of the Cards: I'm telling you, these mortals are too much. I was just about to offer the ones sent here a tour of the graveyard, and they run away screaming! More coffee?

Yami Bakura: Yes, please. *sips on coffee* I know what you're talking about. We were just having a friendly duel, Yami to Yami, for some dumb kids' souls. Then they go and freak out about people's lives being at stake and such. How wrong is that?

Reaper of the Cards: *shakes head* I'm so sorry for you. One lump or two?

*Scene: The Vessels discuss Bakura's Millennium Ring.*

Bakura: The man who sold the Ring to my father said it had something to do with Duel Monsters, but that never made any sense to me since the card game is new and the ring is clearly ancient.

Yugi: It is? Well, I mean, it is, but I'm not sure how that would be obvious.

Bakura: *shrugs* Being told so by the spirit living inside of it always seemed like a pretty sure method to me.

*Scene: How does blue hair breed to white?*

Bakura: The man who sold the Ring to my father said it had something to do with Duel Monsters, but that never made any sense to me since the card game is new and the ring is clearly ancient.

Yugi: Oh, well, that's easy. He was probably just lying to make it sound more interesting.

*Scene: Bakura would look cute with glasses, wouldn't he?*

Bakura: The man who sold the Ring to my father said it had something to do with Duel Monsters, but that never made any sense to me since the card game is new and the ring is clearly ancient.

Yugi: Well, maybe your father didn't understand him too well. I mean, being really fluent in a lot of different languages is hard!

*Scene: Worst. Birthday. EVER.*

Bakura: When my father got back, he gave it to me. He said he felt I was destined to have it.

Yugi: *winces* Well, I'm sure that means nothing. I mean, you can't really read too much into what the non-magical think about such things.

Bakura: Yes, I know, but it still can't be a good omen for my role in life.

Yugi: Yeah... *sighs sympathetically*

*Scene: Away from Bakura, who is starting to sound slightly bitter, if understandably so.*

Tristan: I just dreamt Bakura went totally mental.

Joey: Same here. Last time I snooze with dueling cards under my pillow.

Téa: Really? I consider any dream with Bakura a good dream! ... Uhh, I mean, me, too!

*Tristan and Joey laugh.*

*Scene: Sleepyheads.*

Bakura: *leans over and smiles* Sleep well, guys?

Joey and Tristan: BAKURA!! *clutch each other*

Yugi: *laughs* That was mean!

Bakura: *grins* What can I say? After tonight, I felt entitled to having a little fun.

*Scene: Téa stops laughing and brings up her point in the most abrupt fashion.*

Téa: I dreamt... we were dressed as Duel Monsters... and there were two Yugis!

*Yugi laughs nervously.*

Bakura: Ahh... *catches at straws* Really, I would have thought one boy would be enough for you, Téa!

*Téa blushes furiously while Yugi looks disturbed.*

*Scene: Same.*

Téa: I dreamt... we were dressed as Duel Monsters, and there were two Yugis!

Tristan: Yeah! And I died!

Joey: Me, too! Man, was that a freaky dream!

Tristan: Seriously. I guess it really was a bad idea to cook those candy bars, Joey.

Joey: *mutters* Sure, blame the cook...

*Scene: Off in the distance, a woman screams.*

Yugi: Huh?

Joey: What was that?!


*The boys flee, screaming, leaving Bakura and Téa alone at the campfire.*

Bakura: Huh? What...?

Téa: *sighs and sweatdrops* Ahh, my big, brave guardians...