Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon Trilogy ( Chapter 20 )
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Spamfic | Uploaded On: 09.30.2002 | Updated On: 10.24.2002 | Pages: 4 | Words: 2.9K | Visits: 868 | Status: Completed
*Author's Note, AKA that thing almost everybody puts at the front of their fics because they think people care: I'm DarkGatomon, and this is my first Yu-Gi-Oh! fic. Only it's not really a fic, per se -- it's more of a rant. A MST, truly. But I'm not MSTing a fic (actually, I am, but not here), I'm MSTing the show itself. However, ff.net would probably like it to have a plot, too. So a shadow plot it shall have!
I'm planning to do this for every episode, but I'm starting with the most recent -- the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon trilogy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!, I do not want to own Yu-Gi-Oh!, I probably will never own Yu-Gi-Oh!. All except one idea here is my own (the stray one is noted as such, and if the authoress objects, it will be removed). There's no point to that comment. It just is.*
The group was enjoying a nice, peaceful day playing in the park. That is, they WERE... until a freak warp in the space-time continuum swept them up and back into the past... a past that shifted at every turn and folded back over itself, to be repeated again, and again...
*Scene: After Téa finishes her thoughts about there possibly being two Yugis, we see said boy admiring his star chips. There's a silent pause for a few moments, then Téa pokes Yugi.*
Yugi: *not looking up* Mm?
Téa: Yugi... your line...
Yugi: But they're so shiny...
*Scene: Yugi finally stops admiring the pretty gold stars.*
Yugi: Grampa, here I come! *runs three feet, then trips and falls*
Téa: Ouch.
Yugi: *groans and rolls over, leaving a three-inch deep imprint of his puzzle in the dirt* I think I broke a rib...
*Scene: Flashback of Téa waiting tables at Burger Palooza.*
Téa: Just wait 'til I graduate! Then you know what I wanna do? Study ballet.
Joey: Uh, unless that's a padded bra... *gets whacked by Téa*
*Scene: Yugi has just transformed into Yami Yugi, on the stairs of Pegasus's castle.*
Téa: Hey, I just noticed something!
Tristan: Yeah?
Téa: When Yugi duels, he ditches his white shirt, and his jacket flies out more -- like a cape!
Tristan: Yeah?
Téa: AND the underside of the cape is WHITE!!
Tristan: Yeah?
Téa: *sweatdrops* No more ands. That was it.
*Note: The idea of Yami wearing a cape was taken directly from Lady Crysiana's "Watching Yuugioh!" -- my addition was noting that he took off his shirt, as well.*
*Scene: Kaiba and Yami agree to wager five star chips on the duel. They throw them at each other, then watch in horror as they fall off the tower.*
Kaiba: *in the same tone of voice he always uses* Damn.
Joey: *dances around* I can't believe it! I'm getting in, and they aren't! ALL HAIL THE NEW GAME KING!!
*The others promptly restrain Kaiba and Yami so they don't toss Joey off, too.*
*Scene: Kaiba pulls in his Dueling Disk. The cards take another few seconds to disappear.*
Yami: Nice holo-projectors, Kaiba.
Kaiba: Aren't they? They can generate smells, gusts of wind, the monsters don't have to stay over them, and -- conveniently -- they can create shock waves. They're absolute perfection.
Yami: Speaking of smells, is that smoke?
Kaiba: *watches as the Disks burst into flame* Curses.
*Scene: Kaiba rambles mentally for twenty minutes about his plans to create the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon.*
Yami: Kaiba?
Kaiba: *stops* What is it, Yugi? Admitting defeat already?
Yami: *ignores that* You are aware, aren't you, that you were practically shouting telepathically?
Kaiba: ...I was?
Yami: *nods* Mm-hmm.
Kaiba: Damn.
*Scene: During the duel.*
Kaiba: The De-Spell card can deactivate any magic card, and that's a loss I'm quite sure you can't afford, Yugi.
Téa: But in his duel against Bakura, they both lost their entire hands -- twice!
Tristan: Uh, well, we don't really play the game, so our logic is meaningless.
Joey: *nods twice* Right, right.
*Scene: Yami has just played the Magical Eye of Truth, and Kaiba's Blue-Eyes White Dragon was revealed.*
Tristan: Kaiba sure loves his blue-eyes.
Kaiba: *flutters his eyelashes* Can I help it if I'm beautiful?
*Scene: Kaiba rants about his plans for creating the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon some more.*
Kaiba: Not even Yugi could guess what I'm planning, because it's never been done before... but not like Exodia. That was totally different.
*Scene: Yami plays the Mystic Box.*
Kaiba: Please, explain this card to me. I have possession of the three rarest cards in the world, but I know nothing about this one which you play every other game.
*Scene: Kaiba has just played the Crush Card Virus.*
Yami: It will take more than a virus to win this duel, Kaiba!
Kaiba: Yes, I expect that it will, Yugi. Actually, I'm looking forward to subjecting you to a wide array of debilitating... *notices everyone looking at him strangely* ...cards. What did you think I was going to say?
*Scene: The cheering section discusses the Crush Card Virus.*
Bakura: Yes, but last time, he didn't have a Crush Card forcing him to play just magic cards and weak monsters.
Tristan: You're kiddin'! He's only allowed to play magic cards and his wimpiest creatures?
Bakura: That would be what we've been saying for the past five minutes.
*Scene: An alternate discussion.*
Joey: So what does this "Crush Card" do, exactly? Does that mean Yugi likes Kaiba, now?
*Everyone else falls over from shock.*
*Scene: Kaiba has just drawn the third Blue-Eyes White Dragon.*
Kaiba: At last! I've had to draw almost a dozen cards to get all of these!
*Scene: Yami considers Kaiba's playing style.*
Yami: It's as if to him, this were a battle of life and death!
Téa: *sighs* Do you need to be reminded of why you're battling AGAIN???
Yami: Oh, right. That.
*Scene: Yugi is refusing to give in to Kaiba, right before drawing Kuriboh.*
Kaiba: That's it! That's the kind of determination I expect from you! Fight on! Gather every last bit of your strength, Yugi. I prefer to take you down when you're fighting your hardest.
Yami: Wouldn't you rather a certain win?
Kaiba: Well, uh...
Yami: *pulls out a script* And aren't you going to threaten to jump if I don't take a dive, later?
Kaiba: Why can't you just try and fail like a normal person??
*Scene: Yami continues to refuse to give up. Kaiba says the same thing as above.*
Bakura: But if you didn't keep trying to destroy his confidence, wouldn't there be a greater chance of that?
Kaiba: ...shut up!
*Scene: Yami has just played Kuriboh.*
Kaiba: You must know that's the puniest monster with the lowest attack points in all of Duel Monsters! I've never known a serious duelist to even keep one in their deck.
Yami: Well, I wasn't the one who created this deck. Don't cast aspersions on me because of my grandpa.
*Scene: Yami has just played Kuriboh.*
Joey: What can Yugi be thinkin', playing that little guy?
Kaiba: *blinks* You can't win with that.
Yami: Yeah, I know. I just like playing it because it sounds like "Yugioh."
Téa: Awwww!! It's so cute!
Yami: *smirks* And that.
*Scene: Yami unveils his master plan.*
Kaiba: What's a Living Arrow Card? *sighs* And make it fast, playing ignorant is insulting...
*Scene: Yami uses the Living Arrow Card, and starts wreaking Kaiba's Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon.*
Kaiba: Can't lose. Mokuba get dead. PROPER GRAMMER NO!!
*Scene: Yami goes into Smug Little Worm Mode and gets ready to finish Kaiba off.*
Yami: *thinking* It doesn't matter what card I draw now. Any monster can defeat his weakened dragon! ...well, except those with less than 900 points... or stronger than 1500... and there's always the chance I'll draw another magic card... But what are the odds of that? *draws one of the pieces of Exodia which he forgot to remove from his deck* *out loud* Damn it.
Téa: Don't tell me you forgot to pray before drawing!
*Scene: Yami gloats as he prepares to win.*
Yami: This is it, Kaiba! Prepare to meet your demise!
Kaiba: *snaps out of his revere* Demise? Great idea, Yugi! *threatens suicide*
Yami: Curses...
*Scene: Kaiba gets the same lovely idea as above.*
Kaiba: Even though I don't have a card that can keep you from attacking...
Joey: ...you do have one that will turn his attack back against him? Or a great defense plan?
Kaiba: Um... shut up!
*Scene: Again.*
Kaiba: Even though I don't have a card that can keep you from attacking, I think I still have a strategy that will stop you in your tracks.
Yami: What do you mean?
Kaiba: I'm going to force your hand and win this battle, Yugi. *walks slowly and dramatically backwards*
Joey: Looks more like he's retreatin', to me.
Kaiba: *accidentally backs right off the edge and has to hold on for dear, purposeful life*
Tristan: What?!
Kaiba: Uhh... I meant to do that... great plan, huh?
*Everyone else sighs.*
*Scene: And again.*
Kaiba: *trips over the battlement, and accidentally smashes his Dueling Disk* Damn.
*Scene: Yet again.*
Yami: I don't want to hurt you, Kaiba! You're the only one here I can identify with!
Kaiba: Huh?
Téa: Because he's so ruthless and cold?
Yami: Because he's the only one here with any money. As pharaoh, I never had to deal with the fellahin. Believe me, I miss it.
Joey: What did you just say??
Yami: I called you a fellah. Don't you know what that means?
Joey: Er, of course I do! Alright, then. Uh, thanks.
Kaiba: What does it mean?
Yami: Peasant.
*Note: Fellah and its plural, fellahin, are Egyptian, not Japanese.*
*Scene: A few seconds after the previous scene-starts.*
Yami: Kaiba! Stop this! I can kill people and drive them insane, but I want to be the one doing it!
Yugi: Maybe you could use your magic to save him if he fell, so we wouldn't have to lose?
Yami: What do I look like, a paramedic?
*Scene: Yami is talking to Yugi about his luck -- or perhaps smarts.*
Yami: First you're tricked into losing Exodia. Then you're trapped underground. Now you're going to lose because of another trick. Do I even have to mention your grandfather?? What is wrong with you?
Yugi: It's genetic, like my hair.
Yami: Stupid hair...
*Scene: Yami and Kaiba are having a "Do not"-"Do too" fight.*
Yami: I must win to rescue my grandfather!
Kaiba: And I must win this duel to rescue Mokuba. The difference is I'm willing to risk anything to do it.
Yami: No, the difference is I can do it! Let me win and I'll rescue my grandfather, your brother, and get the prize money for Joey's sister!
Kaiba: ...shut up!
*Scene: Kaiba rambles about how he's going to win.*
Kaiba: With all of your Kuribohs in Defense Mode I couldn't touch you, but n...
Cheering Section: EWWWWWWWWWW!!!
*Scene: Again.*
Kaiba: With all of your Kuribohs in Defense Mode, I couldn't touch you, but now...
Téa: *to the others* Didn't Yugi play them in Attack Mode?
Bakura: Remember, Duelist-logic...
Téa: Oh, right.
*Scene: And again.*
Kaiba: With all your Kuribohs defending you, I couldn't touch you, but now, Yugi, now... *notices Yami's eyes softening* Huh?
Yami: *huskily* I never knew you felt that way, Kaiba. What do you say we forget the duel and go off someplace away from these simpletons?
Kaiba: *eyes widen with shock* Ah!
Yami: Just you and me, Kaiba. What do you say?
Kaiba: What I say is that I'm not an ephebophiliac!
Yami: But I ruled thousands of years before even your ancestors were born, Seto...
Kaiba: *shudders* That's even worse!
*Scene: Yugi has a crisis of morality.*
Yami: I must.
Yugi: I can't.
Yami: We must.
Yugi: No! It's not right!
*flashback of Grandpa shouting out Yugi's name as his soul is stolen*
Yugi: There must be another way!
Yami: There isn't.
Yugi: But...
Yami: I thought you didn't like talking to yourself.
Yugi: Oh! *is so shocked that he can be forced back*
*Scene: Yugi ends up on the losing side of his previous crisis.*
Téa: No, Yugi, you can't!
Yami: A girl, running at me?? It's an assassination attempt!! AAAHHHHHH!!! *promptly hides, letting Yugi take back control*
*Scene: Yugi and Téa are talking after Yugi purposefully lost the duel to Kaiba.*
Téa: Yugi, you know what I said about the both of you being great guys? Well, I'm retracting that until the other you stops killing people.
Yugi: *nods* Same with what I said about trusting him.
Yami: *to himself, inside his soul room* How was I supposed to know they didn't like it when I did that? They never complained before...
*Scene: Yugi is crying and looking really pitiful and cute.*
Yugi: I'm afraid of this spirit inside me... so afraid that I will never duel again!
Yami: I'm afraid of that, too.
*Scene: Same as above.*
Yugi: I'm afraid of this spirit inside me... so afraid...
Yami: *fond sigh* We used to have some great plants back in Egypt for dealing with that...
*Scene: And again.*
Yugi: I'm afraid... so afraid th...
Kaiba: Well then, maybe you should consider Ducor, the all-purpose anti-anxiety drug preferred by serious duelists!! Or for those on slightly lower budgets, there's a sugar-pill with exactly the same results (although a few more side effects)...
Téa: What are you doing, Kaiba?
Kaiba: You didn't actually think I got so rich off of a card game, did you? Now, let me tell you more about that wonderful drug, Ducor...
*Everyone else sweatdrops.*
*Scene: Again, again.*
Yugi: ...so afraid that I will never duel again!
Mai: That's what they all say for the first ten minutes, but heroes always get over it.
Yugi: You're right. I won't give up!
Mai: *tosses Yugi five star chips* I said I'd pay you back. This doesn't quite cover it, but I know you aren't greedy.
Joey: Talk about convenient!
*Scene: The heroes are all gathered around the sobbing Yugi after the duel with Kaiba.*
Bakura: Hey, Yugi, remember when I told you to kill me because I'd rather be dead than enslaved by an evil spirit?
Yugi: Y-yeah.
Bakura: Well, we are on top of a very high tower...
Téa: *whaps* BAKURA!!!
Joey: Hey, can I have your deck if you do jump? *shies away from Téa* I'm joking, I'm joking!
*Scene: Yugi is crying after losing to Kaiba.*
Yugi: How could this day get any worse? I've failed my grandpa, almost killed someone, and found out that there's a homicidal spirit living inside me! I'm so scared... If it happens again, I... I... I just don't know!! *sobs harder*
Téa: Yeah... I'm starting to lose my crush on him, too.
Yugi: On HIM? I thought you liked ME!
Joey: *sweatdrops* Nice goin', Téa.
Téa: I'm sorry, I-I just thought that everybody knew...
Yugi: Great! My grandpa died, I can't even trust myself, and my girlfriend dumps me, all in the space of ten minutes!
Bakura: Well, there's always that ledge...
Téa, Tristan, and Joey: SHUT UP!!!
*Scene: Yami is thinking to himself after being forced to lose to Kaiba.*
Yami: How could this day get any worse? I let slip to Yugi that I'm here, they all hate me, I lost a duel, Yugi is probably about to dismantle the puzzle, and it turns out Kaiba isn't interested in me after all. *pauses* Oh, well. Maybe I'll get picked up by someone weaker-willed and physically impressive next time!
*Scene: More moaning.*
Yugi: I hate this puzzle! I don't want it anymore! *throws it to the ground*
Joey: So, uh, that thing... if I took it, would it help me duel?
Yugi: Well, yeah, but...
Joey: Hotcha!! *dives on the puzzle, kisses it, and tosses the rope around his neck* Come to papa, baby!
Téa: Um, ew?
*Scene: Again.*
Bakura: Well, if you don't want your Millennium item anymore, Yugi, I'll be happy to take it off your hands! *does so, and giggles like a small child* I'm getting quite a collection here!
Yami: *to himself* I used to be Pharaoh...
*Scene: Yami and Yugi are mentally talking after losing to Kaiba.*
Yami: Why did you react so, Yugi? You know that I've killed before, and if Kaiba had been harmed, it would have been his fault, not mine.
Yugi: It had always been in self-defense before, Yami.
Yami: That makes little difference. I was trying to save someone here, too.
Yugi: You lie; it was all about pride. Now be quiet -- you know the cardinal rule of psychiatry.
Yami: No, I don't. What is it?
Yugi: "Talking to one's self is a sign of genius; answering back is a sign of insanity."
Yami: But I'm not...
Yugi: Quiet, you. You'll blow my cover.