Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
*Scene: A GIANT logo appears on the screen -- 4Kids Entertainment. Nice that they do their best to shame us older viewers at the first possible opportunity. I admire that in a giant, impersonal entity.*

Message on the screen: Shonen Jump -- The World's Most Popular Manga.

Random Shojo: THAT'S RACISM!! ... *looks around at all the incredulous stares* ...what?

*Scene: I'm not sure whether to be happy or frustrated that I get to sit back and do nothing for the first five minutes while the narrator prattles.*

Narrator: Long ago, when the Pyramids were still young, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power. They did battle with magic and monsters, for riches and glory.

Joey: And babes.

Yami Bakura: And free drinks.

*Scene: ...forget what I just said, only the first sentence stayed literally the same. Damn them.*

Narrator: From these Shadow Games erupted a war that threatened to destroy the world, until a brave and powerful Pharaoh locked the dark magic away, imprisoning it for all eternity within the mystical Millennium Items. But even eternity doesn't last forever.

Yugi: ...it doesn't? Isn't that part of the definition of "eternity"?

Yami: You dare speak to me of eternity?!

Yugi: ...I wasn't talking to you.

Yami: Oh. Alright, then. Carry on!

Cheerleaders: o.o;;

*Scene: The camera enters Yugi's room ninja-like through the skylight. It takes a look at Yugi's desk, which is stocked impressively with books with such names as The Hodaka, East Africa -- Mexico Angers, and, of course, Book.*

Narrator: It was never to happen, and for five thousand years, it never did. The secrets of the Millennium Puzzle remained safely beyond reach, within the imponderable conundrum of its intricate design.

Téa: I think it's too late to pretend this movie isn't for kids, Mr. Narrator. Give it up!

*Scene: Take a look at the bizarre shadowy spirit stealthing around Yugi's walls. It's got long hair, feminine arms, and quite a rack. Oh my gosh -- Yugi has a female spirit stalking him! Heehee, company for Yami, nee~?*

Narrator: For a boy named "Yugi," the mystery of the Millennium Puzzle remains just that. The solution, if one exists, eludes him, as it did those that came before him.

Yugi: *pouts* See? It wasn't MY fault it took me so long to put it together! Lots of people have tried before. It really is hard!

Téa: I still think it's just a dozen puzzle pieces...

*Scene: Yugi gets frustrated with his failed attempts to put the Puzzle together and starts scrubbing at his hair with his nails.*

Narrator: But this time, fate has played a hand in bringing the Puzzle and this boy together.

Tristan: *imitating the narrator* Yes, this boy with head lice was the one destined to save the world...

Yugi: Hey!! *takes a swipe at him*

Tristan: *snickers and ducks away to safety*

*Scene: The locale changes to Egypt, and the funky Arabian music startles the narrator so much that he starts repeating himself.*

Narrator: It was never to happen, and for five thousand years, it never did. But while the desert does its best to conceal that which remains buried...

Marik: ...and while the importance of the Tomb Keepers is always painfully ignored...

Narrator: ...it eventually yields its most ancient and terrible secrets.

Joey: *mocking the "terrible" secret* Worst... kept... secret... ever!

*Scene: Two archaeologists break into a cave and find a masterfully decorated sarcophagus wrapped in a pretty golden chain. A few spiders have evidentially made the tomb their home as well, considering the cobwebs.*

Movie Archeologist: *gasps* We found it! The lost tomb of Anubis!

Kaiba: Because naturally that's what everyone thinks when finding a coffin with inventive decorations. "This must be the tomb of a real God!" Give me a break!

*Scene: Back to Yugi, who's now comparing several sheets of notes, presumably about the Millennium Puzzle. Does the fact that one was clearly ripped out of a notebook imply that he was working on it at school? ...oh, wait, he did. Lamer.*

Movie Yugi: *tries repeatedly to fit two pieces together, making pleasant tinking noises*

Yami: *dryly* I don't think it's the kind of thing where if you push hard enough, you can pretend they fit.

Yugi: *blushes brightly* Hey! It's not like at the end I glued it together and lacquered it, you know! I could still take this thing apart if I wanted to!

*Scene: Back to Egypt. Apparently a wordless ten-second shot of Yugi was all they really wanted to do there.*

Movie Archeologist: Professor! What do you make of this?

Movie Professor: It's amazing! What possessed them to put the sarcophagus in chains?

Joey: Maybe it kept falling down?

Tristan: That's not-- actually, wait, that's almost a good point...

Téa: I'm scared, Tristan!

Tristan: Me too!

*Joey growls*

*Scene: Somehow in the past ten seconds, Yugi managed to put together two thirds of the Puzzle. He slips another glowing piece in.*

Movie Yugi: *delighted* Hey, alright! *picks up another piece, ignoring his careful notes* Maybe this one next... *tries to fit it in, now also ignoring the glowing, ghosty dragon trying to bite off his head from behind* Yeah! One to go! I've almost solved the Millennium Puzzle!

Téa: But you know, it's always the last piece that's the hardest...

Yugi: *annoyed* Oh, come on! That really wasn't necessary, Téa.

Téa: Hey, if it took you that many years to put a dozen pieces together, who knows how hard finishing it would be?

*Yugi grumbles*

*Scene: Back in Egypt, where I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that Anubis is mostly mummified but has one normal-looking thumb, complete with red nail polish. ... Upon later reflection, I think that's supposed to be the dagger's handle. Whatever. I'm still freaked.*

Movie Archaeologist: *rubbing the Millennium symbol on the wall of the tomb* Now what have we here...? *accidentally pushes the wall back to reveal a secret chamber, containing the Pyramid of Light*

Movie Archaeologist 2: Ooh! What fine glass! *pulls out a bottle of Windex* Here, I'll just shine that up a bit more...

*Scene: And, to Japan again! My, what exotic places we're visiting today!*

Movie Yugi: Grandpa's sure gonna be surprised when he sees I figured this Puzzle out all by myself! I'm a big boy now! ^_^

Yugi: Hey!! I didn't say that!

Tristan: *snickers* Of course not...

*Scene: The authoress finally realizes that she really shouldn't be doing a line-by-line MST of this anymore, but isn't sure what to do about it at this point.*

Movie Yugi: The last piece... *slides it in* This is it! *Back in Egypt, Anubis's eyes flash red inside his coffin, and the door slams shut behind the archaeologists, who were all stupid -- and seemingly small enough -- to cram into the little chamber with the Pyramid of Light. A blood sacrifice honoring Yami's rebirth -- isn't that apt?* *The Millennium Puzzle starts emitting brilliant beams of light, delighting Yugi* Awesome! I did it! The Millennium Puzzle's complete! *a huge beam of light shoots out of Yugi's window*

Amateur Astronomer, camped out on a nearby hill: *shakes fist and shouts* Hey, you jerk!! You just ruined my night vision! I should report you for light pollution!!

*Scene: Back in Egypt, the archaeologists start to show a bit of personality by displaying their tools of the trade -- one tries to break them out of the room using his shovel, another takes careful notes on a pad, others stand around panicking, and so forth.*

Panicking Archaeologist: What's going on?!

Archaeologist with Note Pad: I'd say the roof was collapsing, myself... *takes careful notes of it*

Archaeologist with Shovel: Wahhh! *tries to shovel his way through the door some more*

*Scene: Let's go check on the people not entirely doomed by the collapsing tomb.*

Random Arab One: We still have men in there!

Random Arab Two: The roof's collapsing!

Random Arab Three: *by a benighted truck* This tomb is cursed!!

*Random chanting from Anubis. Above the equator, the Millennium Puzzle in Yugi's hands starts to glow, surprising him despite the fact that it's been doing that for the entire time he was putting it together.*

Movie Yugi: Hey! What gives?!

*Dark spirits fly out and turn into vicious Duel Monsters, making Yugi gibber with fear. Just when he's about to get his head bitten off by a vicious Kuriboh, however...*

Téa: Wait, what? Vicious KURIBOH? Just... WHY?

Joey: Hey! Those Kuriboh are stronger'n they look, y'know!

Téa: Yes, but... There are so many stronger monsters there! WHY would the Kuriboh be the one to attack first?

*All the boys stare at her like she's an idiot.*

Téa: *sighs* Forget I asked...

*Scene: Continuing on... Just when Yugi's about to get his head bitten off by a vicious Kuriboh, the Puzzle glows brighter, and Yugi cries out "Yu-Gi-Oh!" before being taken over by Yami, who, dub or no, I REFUSE to always call "Pharaoh." Minor Gravi gack here.*

Movie Yami: *stern and disapproving of the monster* Shadow creatures! Be gone! I command you! *slashes with his hand, sending out a whip of light* Return to the shadows from whence you came!

Téa: *sighing dreamily* Ooh, trés Shakespearean!

Yugi: What is it with you people and my other half?! Did you not just see all the bloodshed?

Téa: What? Slaughter is sexy!

Yugi: *sighs* Right, I forgot...

*Scene: As the Puzzle finishes the swing started by Yami's attack, Yugi regains control.*

Yugi: Well, that was random.

*Scene: The narrator gives his final line, which means I can finally stop MSTing every line and try to regain my sanity.*

Narrator: It was never to happen, but after five thousand years, it did. And with it, the Shadow Games begin again.

Tristan: I'm sorry... but what's "it" again?

Joey: Well, y'know, "it!" The thing... they were talking about... that wasn't ever supposed to happen. Rememba, Tristan?

Tristan: ...they never actually specified it, did they?

Joey: Ahh, not so much, no. ^_^;;

*Scene: I gotta admit, the title scene of the movie is surprisingly kick-ass. Allow me a few questions in lieu of a scene, however...*

Why is Mako hanging out in the Playboy mansion?

Who is that delightfully devious-looking little blonde girl with the Duel Monsters deck? Why couldn't we have had someone naturally snarky like her instead of Rebecca?

Aren't shiny red goggles really cool-looking over spikey blue hair?

Why is the boy with the medallion looking quite that fondly at the boy with the droopy lightning bangs?

What is that neon sign proclaiming "Rest Too" trying to convey, and would not that boy in the yellow poncho make a horrifically dull filler-arc duelist?

What is Mai drinking, and how come she rates a brief cameo while Bakura doesn't?

Why are Rex and Weevil always hanging out together? Don't they know they're supposed to be bitter rivals?

Why does everyone in the bar stand up when Yami comes onto the big screen? Are they all so drunk they think it's actually him and are about to race over to challenge him?

Did the phrase "And so, the gauntlet is thrown!" make anyone besides me horrified at the thought we'd suddenly been thrust back to the second episode?

And why were the Ancient Egyptian Gods entirely monochromatic primary colors? Me, I'd think a creature that powerful would desire more than a quick rolled paint job... Were they just so big the artisans couldn't afford to spend the time giving them fine detailing?

*Scene: The new narrator doesn't seem to understand that in order to GET the "unstoppable Egyptian God Cards," Yami first had to BEAT the "unstoppable Egyptian God Cards," thus making it unlikely that they're the entire source of his power.*

Yami: *standing in front of his three God Cards* You wanted a rematch, Seto Kaiba? *nearly gets struck by very dramatic lightning* You've got one!

Kaiba: *standing before his BEWD* And this time, things are gonna end differently, you pompous windbag!

Yami: I shall defeat you again, Kaiba! You have no chance!

Kaiba: I'll make you eat those words when I defeat you, Yugi!

Joey: *making "blah blah blah" motions with his hand* Hey, Yuge, you know I support ya and everything, but how about you move it on a bit and finally cream 'im, huh? The duel's half over and you're still talkin' like it's just beginnin'!

Tristan: Hate to say it, man, but he's got a point! There isn't even anyone in these stands, so there's no need to be showing off!

*Scene: Kaiba beefs up his BEWD by turning it into a BEUD and adding Megamorph, boosting its Attack Points to 9000.*

Yami: There's more to power than just attack points!

Kaiba: Ha! And just what is that supposed to mean?

Yami: It means my God Cards possess powers far beyond that of mere monsters!

Kaiba: *shocked* They what?!

Téa: *epiphany* Oh, you mean like that time when Yugi beat Marik with "infinite power?"

Tristan: *clamps a hand over her mouth* Shh! You'll ruin the suspense for everyone!

Téa: *pulls his hand away, baffled* What? But... he did!

*Scene: And so he does again, turning Obelisk into a truly ugly shade of purply red and giving us a second-series version of Kaiba and Yami's infamous dogfight upon BEWDs and Curse of Dragons, with the opponents standing upon their monsters.*

Yami: Obelisk the Tormenter, show him what true power is all about! Attack with Fist of Fury!

*Obelisk does so, and the BEUD responds with its own tri-beamed attack, which is quickly pushed back by Obelisk's attack, which electrocutes the dragon when it hits.*

Kaiba: No! My dragon!! ...no! Me!! *gets electrocuted, then dropped from a height of several stories when the dragon shatters*

Yugi: *rebuking* Yami!! You said you were going to STOP trying to kill Kaiba!!

Yami: *unconcerned* Actually, I believe I said I would "try" to stop...

*Scene: It all turns out to be just a dream... er, computer simulation.*

Old Scientist: *typing through crackling electricity* The simulation is malfunctioning! I'm sorry, Mr. Kaiba, but I was certain our calculations were correct this time, sir!

Kaiba: Yes, that's all fine, except if you were certain, then why would you program an ending for me losing?

Mokuba: *snickers* Hehe, gotcha there!

*Scene: Another take on Kaiba watching "himself" duel.*

Kaiba: Does that cape make my butt look big?

*A/N: Answer: It does, but he's clearly anorexic, so that's no bad thing.*

*Scene: The scientists beg for their jobs.*

Old Scientist: *whining* Please, sir, we're close to postulating a winning stratagem!

Kaiba: *turning away, scornful* Well, if I were you, I'd start postulating myself a new job!

*The old scientist gasps*

Young Scientist: Oh, no! He wasn't intimidated by our elitist vocabulary! We're doomed!

*Scene: Kaiba stalks out and walks down a hallway that's very boring, except for the floor-to-ceiling windows with a stunning view of the ocean and random petrochemical plant.*

Kaiba: *thinking* There's got to be some way to defeat Yugi's God Cards, and I think I know just where to start looking.

*Scene change to a nighttime scene of a pristine river under a full moon, with lush forests and gently chirping crickets. Camera pan over to Kaiba walking alone by the river shore.*

Kaiba: *sighing happily* Ahh, a nice walk along the river at night always clears my head and helps me think so much better!

*Scene: Pegasus might have tormented dreams, but he has tormented dreams in a stylish bed. In this dream, he stands alone on a snowy plain, with the three Gods floating above him.*

Pegasus: Huh? The God Cards...? *tiny yellow points of light rise up around him, blowing his hair and clothing around*

Mysterious voice from above: Maximillion, I have summoned you from Earth to defend this world! It is your destiny! Magical Girl Transformation Sequence, initiate!

*Scene: Pegasus dreams of the three Gods being trapped in the Pyramid of Light, and wakes up with a start. This scene, however, refers to what happened right before we saw his dream...*

Pegasus: *panting* What a horrible nightmare... I dreamt that a mysterious figure snuck into my room through the window and gave me a rare and valuable card! It was horrible, I tell you, horrible!!

*Scene: This scene is not because I have something funny to say, but rather because one of the lines needs to be conveyed.*

Pegasus: What a horrible nightmare... *an owl hoots, making him start, then head resolutely towards the window* That's it, no more white wine spritzers before bedtime for me! *draws the curtain aside* Looks peaceful enough, yet I sense chaos. I may have lost my Millennium Eye some time ago, but I can still see that something terrible is about to unfold. *throws open the window and sticks his head out* Get out of my yard, you stupid rascals!! I have guards, and I can track you down!!

*Some neighborhood kids giggle and throw a few handfuls of eggs at Pegasus's door before running off laughing. Pegasus flops back onto his bed.*

Pegasus: I can't abide children...

*Scene: If you look closely, you may notice that among the display boxes, the Game Shop is decorated with some of the worst still-life fruit-bowl art ever. Yugi is clearly not much of an artist.*

Grandpa: *reading a newspaper while watching the counter* Huh? About time the museum got a decent display of Egyptian artifacts! I mean, sure, they had that tablet that contained parts of the Pharaoh's lost memory for a while, and of course my shop houses a collection of three of the most powerful Egyptian artifacts ever, but that's all boring! I want to see mummies! Dead people! That's what it's all about!

*A/N: For those curious, let me relay what I gathered from the articles:


The Tomb of Anubis was uncovered on October 2, 2001 in the outskirts of the Giza Plateau, by a team of archaeologists lead by ~~. This was no routine excavation. The team discovered the ancient burial place of Anubis w~ terrible tragedy. An earthquake caused the tomb to collapse, ~~ a hundred and sixty ~~ of the expedition of scientists along side rescue workers spent three weeks digging through rubble to assess the damage. Sadly no members of the archaeological team survived this disaster in the...

Photo by Matt Drdek



After traveling around the country for three years, the infamous Tomb of Anubis has made its way to the Domino Museum of Natural History. Experts believe this five thousand-year-old sarcophagus to be the mummified remains of an ancient Egyptian sorcerer. The exhibit, located in the museum's main hall, will remain on display for three months, after which time this mysterious mummy will move on.

Photo by Lloyd Goldfine



~the mummified
~sts uncovered
~nt-after relic
~the Pyramid
~s triangular
~fact is believed
~n the property
~According to
~s pendant was
~of his dark
~ers. Made of
~the fact that the
~five thousand-year-old
~of Light
was discovered without a scratch has baffled scientists around the globe.

Photo by Norman Grossfeld

Also, the Kame Game Shop arguably houses six of the rarest, most powerful Egyptian artifacts ever... but I refuse to get all that excited about those created within this decade.*

*Scene: Grandpa notices a picture whose black-and-white nature makes it look like it's showing the Puzzle's Mary-Sue sister.*

Grandpa: Hey! That looks just like a Millennium Item! This I gotta see! *sets the newspaper down, and calls upstairs* Hey, Yugi! Time to rise-and-shine! I'm heading off to the museum for a bit, so come down and watch the shop!

Yugi: *sleepily obedient* Yes, Grandpa...

*Scene: In the closed-captioning, Mokuba is named "Boy." I kid you not. "Boy." I am pained.*

Flight Command: This is Flight Command... Initiating Duel Dome flight conversion. Over.

Mokuba: Roger, Flight Command. Prepare all stations for immediate dragon flight. Over.

Flight Command: That's affirmative. We show Mr. Kaiba now approaching primary flight deck. Flight Command would like to ask at this time if it's necessary to continue using dragon metaphors all the time. Over.

Kaiba: *settling his pointy blue helmet over his ears* That's affirmative, Flight Command.

Flight Command: Ah... *obviously not having intended to be overheard by Kaiba* Of course. Uhh... right, initialize final preparations to let that dragon feel the wind under its wings!

*Scene: I'm sorry, Kaiba, I really am, but "Blue-Eyes White Jet" is just an awful name. It's just true.*

Mokuba: *appearing on a video-link in Kaiba's helmet, which is not at all distracting* I hope you know what you're doing, big brother!

Kaiba: I was just hoping the same thing. *hits the throttle*

Mokuba: You, uh, were? That doesn't seem very characteristic of you...

Kaiba: Yeah, maybe I shouldn't've had those tequila shots before getting in here, but hey, that's life for ya... *flies the BEWJ off its airborne runway into the sky* Whee-hooooo!

Mokuba: Errr... *sweatdrops and winces* Fantastic...

*Scene: Kaiba always has the best songs. Then again, that's not saying all that much...*

You think I've got it all
Everyone thinks I've got it made

Duke: Well, yeah, that's kind of the implication one gets when you can buy and sell them without even blinking...

Well, how come my only friends
Are the ones I pay?

Bakura: I think that's because the ones you don't pay feel free to tell you that you're an egotistical, stuck-up, workaholic jerk.

Kaiba: Ah, yes, that would be it...

No-one understands
What I would do to change my life
For just one day

Kaiba: It really isn't that much, you know. I certainly wouldn't gave up fame or fortune, and most definitely not my pride. I wouldn't go out in public to go to a movie or the zoo, take a day off work to spend with my little brother even when I'll devote an entire week to a tournament, and absolutely, certainly, no way temper my drive to be the best in everything I do. Most definitely not.

Don't say "If I were you" (say "If I were you")
Or tell me what you'd do
How things would be
If you were in my shoes
'Cause you're not me ('cause you're not me)

Yami: Yes... some people have found your obsession with a card game psychotic, but they clearly have no idea of the power contained within it!

Yami Bakura: And while some people might have found building a theme park to kill your enemies sick or twisted, it's obvious they don't know the pleasure of a fiendishly executed plan.

Yami Marik: And while it might be immoral to threaten suicide to a pacifist just to get your way, we all know that history is written by the winners, so there's no reason not to do everything you can to win!

*Scene: Kaiba lands on Pegasus's Duelist Kingdom island. Pegasus neither notices nor cares.*

Croquet: Your red wine spritzer, sir.

Pegasus: Merci, Croquet!

Croquet: But I thought, sir, that you said you were planning to cut down on the wine spritzers?

Pegasus: Goodness me, no, Croquet! White wine spritzers only. I'm sure red wine spritzers will bring me nothing but funny dreams!

Croquet: Of course, sir.

*Scene: I've barely repeated any scenes so far, and that doesn't seem right, now does it? So let's do so now!*

Croquet: Your red wine spritzer, sir.

Pegasus: Merci, Croquet!

Croquet: *groans* I keep telling you, sir, my name's not "Croquet" and I'm not French!

Pegasus: *waves a hand* Minor details...

*Scene: Pegasus takes a sip of his wine, and sees Kaiba reflected in the glass.*

Pegasus: *pleasantly amazed* Oh, can it be? *stands to face him* My dear friend Kaiba-boy!

Kaiba: Spare me the pleasantries, Pegasus. You and I have never been friends, so let's not start pretending that we are.

Pegasus: Oh, my! Sounds like someone needs a hug.

Kaiba: No, thanks. Besides, that offer would be far less disturbing if you were wearing pants.

Pegasus: As compared to you deciding to come see me in tight leather garments?

Kaiba: ... *looks disturbed* I may have to burn my entire wardrobe when I get home.

*Scene: Kaiba gets straight to business, asking for a card that could beat Yugi's Egyptian God Cards.*

Pegasus: And you believe I might have this all-powerful God-smiting card because...?

Kaiba: *smiling* Because you created the game, Pegasus!

Pegasus: *shakes his head* Once upon a time, Kaiba-boy, but I'm retired now! The only things I created these days are places like this for the fishies to enjoy.

Kaiba: Well, if you keep annoying me by playing dumb, Pegasus, you might be swimming with them soon.

Pegasus: Touché, my dear friend.

*Scene: One of the benefits of this not being a dubbed movie is that it was easy for them to have Pegasus's surprised look match up with Kaiba's words.*

Kaiba: I know you, Pegasus. You created the God Cards, and would have never let them out of your sweaty little hands, unless you'd also created a way to beat them, just in case.

Pegasus: Oh, very well, I confess. I may have one card that would help, but you can't have it.

Kaiba: *shocked* What?

Pegasus: I'm sorry, Kaiba-boy, but you said it yourself! There's no way I'm going to leave myself unable to beat cards of my own creation! It wouldn't be any good just to give everything away, now would it?

*Scene: Some people might be horrified at how Pegasus shows off his missing eye to Kaiba. Me, I'm just impressed that Pegasus drinks wine from "Chateau Pegasus"... made back in 1982, no less. Hell, it's older than me!*

Kaiba: If you'll put up the card I need to beat Yugi, I'll wager these!

Pegasus: Wow! You'd risk your precious Blue-Eyes White Dragons just for a chance to trounce little Yugi?

Kaiba: Well, yeah. I mean, I already lost one of the most powerful cards in the universe to him, so I think things are going downhill already. Unless I'm able to beat him, there really won't be much of a point in having a deck at all!

*Scene: Switch to the outside of Domino High, a school to which Yugi used to have to wear a white shirt, but apparently now he's above that.*

Boy 1: Come on!

Boy 2: Let's go, everybody!

Boy 3: Get out of the way!

Téa: Wow. People around here are so psyched about getting home to study. Why aren't we like that, guys?

Tristan: We're stupid gits who aren't planning to go to college?

Téa: Ah, yes, that'd be it... *yanks off her school jacket* Well, I'm off to go wait tables! ^_^

*Scene: When he leaves school, Yugi finds a crowd of students standing around and pushes through them to get a better look, only to be assaulted by another crowd screaming for his blood... well, cards. Tristan and Joey instantly leap to his aid, while Téa stands around looking confused.*

Tristan: Life at the top, Téa! Everybody knows Yugi's the best duelist around, so they all want a piece of him, and those God Cards.

Joey: Téa, try and sneak Yuge out around back while we hold 'em off!

Téa: You sure?

Joey: Yeah, me an' Tristan'll handle things here! Besides, it'll prolly take 'em a good half-hour to realize Yuge isn't even here with us anymore! I mean, it's not like they could overhear our plan or somethin', right?

*Scene: As a distraction, Joey and Tristan run the other way. The duelists aren't about to buy this, but the insulting match between Joey and some of their compatriots is just too amusing to walk away from. On another note, I would like to hereby name officially name that cute boy with the yellow and red hair "Kisho," because I'm sure he's just that cool.*

Joey: Listen up! Nobody, but nobody, calls me a "nobody," you bunch of nobodies! Got that?!

Tristan: ...no. *looks around* In fact, nobody did.

*Joey sweatdrops, while Tristan snickers.*

*Scene: I don't wanna know where Joey suddenly got his Duel Disk from, considering that he wasn't wearing it and he doesn't even have his bag with him.*

Joey: If you wanna get to the King of Games, you have to go through me, the uh, uh... *mobster voice* the Godfather of Games, capisce?

Tristan: Somehow that does not sound any better than your normal Brooklyn accent.

Joey: Yeaaah... not really, huh... ^_^;;

*Scene: Joey's Duel Disk's holoprojectors unfold with a depressingly unimpressive tunk noise.*

Joey: All right, so who wants some?!

Beefy Guy Who'd Surely Use "Ore": I want some. Won't take long. Let's do this!

Joey: Okay. Ladies first!

Beefy Guy: Huh. Funny.

Joey: Thanks! I was plannin' on using it with everyone!

Beefy Guy: I could tell.

*Scene: I refuse to condone Injection Fairy Lily having talked by making a joke using talking monsters. I won't go against that much careful precedent! Instead, this idea was stolen from Sasha Janre.*

Beefy Guy: I summon Injection Fairy Lily in Attack Mode! Let's give him a check-up, Lily!

Joey: AAAH! What the--?! *turns tail and runs*

Tristan: *watching him run down the street* Uhh, did he really just run away from a hologram?

Crowd of duelists: Uh-huh, yeah, you bet...

*Scene: Joey easily creams Kisho, who makes me wonder why you're allowed to say "aw, nuts!" on kids' TV, but not "damn you." I'll never understand layers of cursing.*

Joey: Maybe now you'll have the proper respect for Joey, the Godfather of Games!

Kisho: You're still using that name? It wasn't just a place filler? Gods, I feel even lamer now! *runs off sobbing*

*Scene: Yugi walks around the corner. Unlike Tristan and some of the duelists, he actually still has his eyes open.*

Yugi: *eagerly* Is the coast clear yet, Joey?

Duelist 1: Hey, it's Yugi! He's back!

Duelist 2: You'd better watch out! We're gonna getcha!

Joey: Uh... no? ^_^;;

*Scene: Why Téa bothers giving Yugi directions I don't know, seeing as how she's practically dragging him anyway.*

Téa: Quick! Yugi! This way! Ah! *quickly pulls him back around the corner they'd just... cornered, out of sight of the duelists waiting there*

Yugi: Whoa! Those guys just won't give up! Though, we have just been circling the block...

Téa: Yeah, well, if you want to lead, then you should grow longer legs!

*Scene: Hey, look! Kisho's in there! He is, he is!*

Yugi: We need to find a place to hide, someplace that we'll be safe from that Duel Monster mob. Someplace they'd never look. *notices Téa looking across the courtyard at the Domino Museum* ... Someplace that doesn't involve walking directly past the mob.

Téa: Oh, er, right...

*Scene: Sometime between Pegasus and Kaiba chatting outside by the pool and Pegasus and Kaiba chatting down in the basement is a scene given by Sasha.*

Pegasus: *twirling into his dressing room* Wait here while I change, Kaiba-boy. No peeking!

Kaiba: ... I don't particularly feel like throwing up, Pegasus, don't worry.

*Scene: Pegasus takes Kaiba down to the dungeons to play, apparently thinking that will stir up fond memories of their previous meetings.*

Pegasus: So what do you think, Kaiba-boy? Isn't this the latest in duel arena technology or what?

Kaiba: This place is an outdated joke! But then, so are you, so I suppose it fits.

Pegasus: Now now, Kaiba, let's not get nasty. Not just yet, anyhow.

Kaiba: Look, enough small talk!

Pegasus: That wasn't small talk, that was foreplay, you know!

Kaiba: *recoils* Uh... no.

*Scene: I hate to think how Kaiba drew his X-, Y-, and Z- monsters so quickly, but never mind. It's Pegasus's turn now, and he uses it to attack Kaiba with his toons.*

Kaiba: I guess it's true that when you get old, the mind is the first thing to go, because you forgot all about my facedown cards! And now it's gonna cost you! *flips over a card*

Pegasus: *gasps* Oh, no! He's right! I did forget! I had them all in my hand, if I'd only thought to use them...!

Kaiba: Oh, come on, Pegasus, there's no need to be so sarcas... *Pegasus collapses over the arena sobbing, letting his cards land face-up, showing Remove Trap, Mystical Space Typhoon, and Harpy's Featherduster* ...ah... oh.

*Scene: Kaiba uses the Attack Guidance Armor to trick the Toon DMG into attacking the Toon Gemini Elf.*

Pegasus: *horrified* But they were just innocent Toons!

Kaiba: *equably* As is the Toon Dark Magician Girl! And doesn't she look happy now? I was just trying to make her smile!

*Pegasus growls*

*Scene: Pegasus taunts Kaiba for losing to Yugi-boy for "what, going on three years now?" -- guess Yugi really isn't going to get a growth spurt, after all -- and fantasizes about his Toon DMG, BEWD, and Summoned Skull.*

Kaiba: A thought bubble, Pegasus? A pink thought bubble? How American! This is how a real Japanese person does it...

*Cut to a dramatically patterned fire scene with Kaiba laughing in the foreground, coat cackling, and cool planes, stacks of money, and his foes lying vanquished behind him.*

Pegasus: Ooh, I see, I see...!

*Scene: Kaiba uses Dark Core to discard Y-Dragon Head and remove X-Head Cannon.*

Kaiba: I also activate the Magic Card Soul Release. It removes one more monster from the game, and I'm using it on Y-Dragon Head.

Pegasus: Why are you removing your own monsters?! I mean, I was bearing with you when you were still putting them into your graveyard... but why are you removing them from the game with Soul Release?! I've never known a serious duelist to even keep one in their deck!

Kaiba: Yes, well, I haven't actually had time to sleep in a week, you know... I actually run my company, after all.

*Scene: I've had a duelist explain to me what Return from the Different Dimension does, and I still think it's a stupid idea. Regardless, we now get to see Kaiba literally floor Pegasus with his XYZ-Dragon Cannon.*

Kaiba: That's all, folks.

Pegasus: But you said... you never watched cartoons... *passes out*

Kaiba: If I recall, what I said was "dot, dot, dot." If you want to draw your own conclusions, well, that's your problem.

*Scene: Yugi and Téa apparently managed to make it into the museum unnoticed after all, and spent a while studying a description of the museum's new Egyptian exhibit. As this description is both hard to read and uninteresting, I won't bother transcribing it. I wonder if the Japanese translated it when they took it overseas...?*

Yugi: *gasps* Look, Téa! That blue pyramid there -- it looks like my Millennium Puzzle!

Téa: What, you're only just noticing that?

Yugi: Well, it's not like I see the Puzzle all the time or anything!

Téa: ...uhh... *sweatdrops* Was that supposed to be a joke?

Yugi: *sweatdrops* "Close enough"?

*Scene: Yugi and Téa take a look at the tomb of Anubis, Egyptian Lord of the Dead, very smoothly setting up the very important plot point that Téa doesn't like mummies.*

Téa: If we stay here, I'm gonna blow chunks! *jogs away, pushing Yugi in front of her*

Yugi: Okay, I get the point, Téa! You're not a mummy fan!

Téa: Actually, I was just really freaked out about that dagger with the handle made from a human thumb... I actually find dead Egyptian guys kinda attractive!

Yugi: Um, ew?

*Scene: Téa and Yugi continue on to the Pyramid of Light display.*

Yugi: Hey, it's my grandfather! What are you doing here?

Grandpa: Well, you know, we've been getting vandalism at the Game Shop recently, now that people have realized you live there, so I figured it'd be a safer occupation to do some janitorial work at the local museum!

*Scene: The group stands around a truly inexpertly arranged display.*

Yugi: So, you came to see that pyramid, too.

Grandpa: Yep.

Téa: This says it's called the "Pyramid of Light."

Yugi: Uh-huh.

Grandpa: It's really very beautiful, you know.

Téa: Mm-hmm.

Yugi: Yeah.

Grandpa: Right.

Three of them: ...

Grandpa: Well, I'm off to go make dinner! *wanders away*

*Scene: Grandpa does some on-the-fly translations from either Egyptian or English to tell the story of an evil sorcerer who tried to destroy the world.*

Yugi: Well, I guess it's pretty safe to say his plan didn't work, right?

Grandpa: Legends say a brave Pharaoh destroyed him using the mystical Dagger of Fate. The same Pharaoh who many believe possessed your Millennium Puzzle!

Yugi: *freaks* "Many?!" Grandpa, how many people have you been telling about my Puzzle?! Don't you know people are trying to kill me for it?! You can't go around telling every stranger you meet about my yami!

Grandpa: *with a finger in his ear* Yeesh, spaz much?

Yugi: *wails* GRANDPAAA!

*Scene: Yugi-tachi goes back to the sarcophagus, and Grandpa reads the inscription there for them.*

Grandpa: It's some sort of prophecy -- "The eye that sees what's yet to come / Its vision shall be fulfilled / Unless blinded by events predetermined / Thus light and shadows both be killed."

Téa: Wow, you're really skilled, Mr. Moto! You can make it rhyme even while you translate it!

Grandpa: *rubbing his head sheepishly* Well, actually, it's written here in English right on the side of the sarcophagus -- see?

Yugi: Wow, that's one heck of a prophecy!

*Scene: Light flashes from Anubis's eyes, showing Yugi a freaky vision -- Yami and Kaiba face each other holding cards. Kaiba randomly shouts, making Yami randomly cry out and fall to his knees. Kaiba then sensibly laughs, but then is randomly assaulted by Anubis (with a sensible jackal's head) using his signature attack, Head Crush, and proclaiming that "From the light comes the dark!" Yugi opens his eyes to find Téa calling out his name.*

Téa: Yugi?!

Yugi: Téa? Would you read me the story about the bunny?

Téa: Uhh... Well, once upon a time, there was a madcap creator named Pegasus and he really enjoyed his adventures with Funny Bunny--

*Yugi screams*

Téa: ...so that affects both you AND Kaiba. Huh.

*A/N: Thanks to Sasha Janre for this scene. Much funnier than my original thought of, "Isn't that Yami's job?" -- though now I have a mental image of Téa telling the same story to Kaiba earlier... ugh.*

*Scene: Why would someone steal Anubis's mummy and the Pyramid of Light, but not the Millennium Puzzle? And why would Yugi be more worried about the mummy being stolen than his grandfather being unconscious?*

Yugi: I have a feeling Kaiba's in danger. I have to warn him! *runs off*

Téa: Yugi!

Yugi: *looks back* Just keep an eye on Grandpa! I'll call you!

Grandpa: What...? But you don't have a cell phone!

Yugi: Well, actually, Kaiba gave me one... Figured it'd be convenient... Look, I'll tell you about it later, okay?! *runs off through the door*

Grandpa: You know, I think I might be happier not knowing...