Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Bible Stories, YGO Style: Season 2! ❯ Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand ( Chapter 1 )

Toboe LoneWolf: Heyla! Welcome to a new "season" of Bible Stories, YGO Style!

YGO Cast: *groans*

Toboe LoneWolf: ^_________^;;;

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Yu-Gi-Oh or the Bible, never has, never will…unless God gives her the copyrights.

Toboe LoneWolf: *looks up* Please? …^^ Just kidding! Onward!

Bible Stories, YGO Style: Season 2!

Story #8: Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand
AKA: Jesus Creates the Fast Food Business

* * * * *

For once, Yugi was looking down at someone.

No, he hadn't gotten a growth spurt, or was wearing high heels, or had gotten a magical treatment by a fangirl authoress.

The fact was that Yugi was teetering on top of a two-story ladder holding an enormous sign taller than he was, attempting to hang it up.

Key word: "Teetering."

Murphy's Law states that whenever an anime character is on top of a ladder that unknown forces will come down and tip the ladder ever-so-much to…

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

"OWWW!!!"

Murphy's Law also states that the character's fall will be stopped by something other than the ground.

"Yugi, if you do not get off me now I will make sure to cast you in a very, very, very humiliating role."

In horror Yugi scrambled off the person he'd fallen on top of, to reveal his insane, writer-slash-director-slash-amateur torturer. Casually dressed in khakis and a T-shirt, you'd think this was a nice, normal person. But Yugi knew her to be absolutely, clinically insane. Behold Toboe LoneWolf, formally known as LoneWolf16, for contractors had come after her and police were called in and there was some cover-up about the explosion of that new theater down the block, so LoneWolf16 made a quick penname change that was kinda forced upon her by authoress-eating lawyers and changed to a new theater location that was unfortunately smaller and much inferior, but everything was (supposed to be) okay.

In other words, Yugi knew he was in for something very, very bad.

LoneWolf rubbed her head and looked up. "Hey! The sign's up!"

Now hanging above the doorway, with a slight tilt, was a cheap wood sign, painted with the words,

"NOW PREMIERING: BIBLE STORIES, YGO STYLE: THE SECOND SEASON!!!"

Little stars formed in Toboe LoneWolf's eyes. "Oh lookit Yugi! We're open for business!" She scrambled up to her feet and dragged Yugi in. "Come on Yugi! It's time for the show!"

Yugi facepalmed. He. Was. Doomed.

* * * * *

The YGO cast was not a happy group at the moment.

Okay, they'd been through a lot. They'd been through humiliation, forced roles, and life-threatening costumes, but nothing could compare to this:

Having to have to do it a second time.

With the same, insane, writer-slash-director-slash-amateur torturer.

…For they were told that there was going to be another season.

And for that reason, they were not a welcoming cast and crew when the (one of many) bane of their existence walked in.

"Heyla, guys! Ready for another season of Bible Stories?"

All-around cast groan.

Toboe LoneWolf frowned, and tapped her clipboard. "Come on guys, this is supposed to be an impromptu humor group! Laugh! Smile! Be prepared for anything!"

"I'm prepared to die," Marik groaned.

LoneWolf rolled her eyes and pointed her pen. "Actually, you'd better be prepared to go onstage. We're on in fifteen minutes."

"WHAT?!?!"

"What the heck? We don't even know the story!" Yami Marik yelled.

LoneWolf waved it off. "We're the impromptu group! Doesn't matter. 'Sides, this story's easy." She raised an eyebrow. "It involves food."

"Food?" Joey perked up.

"Yep," LoneWolf waved the two-page script. " 'Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand Beasts.' "

Ryou blinked. "I haven't heard of that one…"

LoneWolf shrugged. "Look, we don't have five thousand people here, okay? Yami, you're gonna summon a bunch o' Duel Monsters to make the crowd. And lessee, we need a Phillip and Andrew-- Joey, you're Phillip, and…lessee…Kaiba, you're Andrew, ten of you guys are the other disciples, Ryou you're the little boy with the lunch, Yugi's Jesus, and Bakura's buying the food."

Yugi facepalmed again, from where he was slumped in the corner. Oh no. The director truly did want to torture him…

Joey just registered the last bit of information. "What?" Joey whined. "Bakura's buying the food?"

Ryou blinked. "So that's why there hasn't been a conspiracy yet to tar and feather you and destroy this theater."

"Behold my masterful planning. Okay?" LoneWolf peeked out the curtains. "Yugi, throw on a white bathrobe; Yami, start summoning. Alright, on three: one, two, three!"

And with that she shoved Yugi onstage. The blinding lights went on, and Yugi stood there, hair askew, robe half on, the perfect picture of: What the heck?

"Look God-like!" LoneWolf hissed.

Yugi blinked to get the white spots out of his eyes. Oooh, pretty white spots. Prettty. Blink lots to get lots of pretty colors.

Wait a sec…there wasn't anyone here! Nada. Zilch. Nobody. Just rows of unoccupied seats. And some windows.

"Hey!"

LoneWolf waved her hands, shooing Yugi on as if he were an errant chicken. "They'll come later! You're supposed to look kawaii and bring in viewers."

Yugi looked down at scruffy sandals that had straw sticking out everywhere and a bathrobe that was not white but rather yellow down the middle and…continuing that thought would be rather disturbing.

Cuteness would be something hard to obtain.

Behind him, LoneWolf spoke into a purloined microphone. "Hello, folks! Welcome to the second season of Bible Stories, YGO Style! Today we're enacting 'Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand!' Now just sit back and enjoy the show!"

Yugi stared at her. There was no one watching. The director was insane.

…Wait, we confirmed that already.

"A great crowd followed Jesus, and having compassion on them, Jesus taught them many things."

Well, a great crowd appeared, but they didn't follow.

They chased.

"YAAAAMIII!!!"

Yami was currently rolling on the backstage floor laughing as an Injection Fairy Lily chased Yugi around onstage, obviously intent on skewing Yugi with her hypodermic syringe.

After all, it's her job.

And let's not forget that this is a crowd, so…a gazillion Kuribohs were zooming around (a product of Multiply) trying to glomp their beloved "master;" Dark Magician Girl was attempting to stop them and failing miserably, with the failures becoming small fireworks; Dark Magician was floating stoically above the chaos; and a herd of Gazelles was stampeding over everything.

Needless to say, Yugi was not pleased.

"MAKE THEM STOP!!!"

LoneWolf hissed as Yugi flailed past her. "You're supposed to teach them!"

"LIKE WHAT?!?!"

"To be good!"

Yugi managed to face-fault and remain conscious.

Right. 'Teach them.' Oooookay.

Yugi turned around, and before a Kuriboh glomped his head Yugi screamed, "SIT!!!!!"

The kuriboh sat. Yugi blinked.

"Ah…good kuriboh."

The kuriboh beamed with pleasure.

In fact, everyone was sitting, even the Dark Magician, which was very disturbing. And they were all looking at Yugi expectantly.

"Ah…'love your neighbor as yourself?' " Yugi stammered.

"Another time," LoneWolf hissed. She spoke into the microphone again, reading off the script. "Now it was late in the day, and everyone was hungry."

Subsequent jaw dropping and rubbing of tummies by duel monsters, all equally disturbing, though most notably the saliva dripping out of the Gazelles' mouths.

LoneWolf twitches at the Duel Monster's uncanny acting. Or Yami's mind-control. "Phillip said to Jesus, 'Send the people away so they can buy something to eat.' But Jesus replied, 'You give them something to eat.' "

Carefully sidestepping the drool, Joey walked over to Yugi at the side of the stage. "Uh, Jesus, can they go now so we can eat?"

LoneWolf face-faulted.

"I mean, we go now so they can eat?"

More thuds.

Major sweatdropping and hoping that his next role would not force his pride to plummet, not that it hasn't already-- "I mean, they go now so they can eat?"

A sigh into the microphone. LoneWolf continued. "But Jesus answered, 'You give them something to eat.' " Phillip replied, 'That would take eight months of a man's wages! How can we buy that much food?' "

Yugi folded his hands and sat down in wise-guru-position. "You give them something to eat."

Joey fell down and bowed his head. "Oh wise Buddha, I have only three yen! How can I buy even one tofu burger for your guru-ness?"

More face-faults.

"Joey, you are done for," LoneWolf muttered out of the side of her mouth. Clearing her throat, LoneWolf continued, glaring at Joey. "Andrew said, 'Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?' "

Kaiba walked onstage, gazed over the myriad of drooling Duel Monsters, found the bush of white hair that indicated his target, and stalked towards Ryou, who huddled over a basket.

"Please sir! It's me lunch, sir! I haven't had breakfist yet, sir!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes at British Boy's accent. "Confiscation duty. Hand it over."

To which there was much wailing and crying, but Kaiba didn't care. Kaiba plopped the lunch basket in guru-Jesus-Yugi's lap. "There. Lunch."

LoneWolf blinked. And continued. "Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks, and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied."

Yugi opened the basket and pulled at a McDonalds Happy Meal.

Major sweatdropping.

Joey bounced up-and-down. "Check out what toy they've got, Yuge!"

Yugi, with dead-pan calmness, pulled out the obligatory six piece Chicken McNuggets, small fries, and in their attempt to be kiddie-health-wise, a miniature milk jug, and the Happy Meal toy, which was…

…a Joey action figure.

"YES!!!!" Joey pumped his fist, grabbed the toy and waved it in Kaiba's face. "HA! TAKE THAT RICH-BOY! I'M AN ACTION FIGURE!"

To which Joey proved by pressing the button on the back of the Joey-toy, and the Joey-toy said, in machine quality, "I'm going to take you down!"

Hand motions included.

Kaiba stared at the offending toy in his face. And then whipped out something from his coat pocket.

…a Kaiba Happy Meal action figure.

Which said, "Down on your feet, dog." Arms crossed and all.

"Mokuba wanted one," Kaiba stated flatly.

Major sweatdropping.

Ryou pointed a finger up. "We need a miracle?…"

LoneWolf looked at her watch. "Bakura should be coming in here with the rest right about now…"

* * * * *

Bakura did not understand the modern world.

He was in a car. And he was driving it. And he was currently speaking into some modern monstrosity telling it what he wanted to order.

"Yes, I want a hundred Caesar salads! Didn't I already say that?!"

"No, I do not want fries with that!"

"Yes, I wanted the Filet O' Fish, and I want a hundred of them, and I want them now!"

"NO I DID NOT ORDER FRIES!!!!"

The microphone-monstrosity-thing-of-evil paused its static-ness. "Sir, you want one hundred Caesar salads and a hundred fish sticks?"

Bakura screamed bloody murder and shoved the paper list at the microphone. "Can't you read?!?!"

…

"No sir."

Bakura snorted. "Figures."

In the end, Bakura got his order, and managed to fit it all in the car (putting the disgusting green salads as far away from him as possible), and also managed to drive back safely to the theater without crashing or maiming or attracting a trail of flashing police cars.

A real feat.

* * * * *

Bakura announced his arrival with tire squeals and a yell that could be heard through the theater's brick walls,

"I AM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN."

He stomped through the backstage and shoved an armful of fish burgers into Yugi's hands. "I, by Ra, will never go near that evil-black-microphone or ever buy this accursed thing called 'Filet O' Fish' or this unhealthy, disgusting salad which by Ra is poison I swear."

LoneWolf raised an eyebrow. "And Bakura pulls off a miracle. … He actually did it. Though I doubt you will ever go through the horrors of actually purchasing anything legally ever again, judging from your reaction."

Bakura glared daggers. Joey and Kaiba handed out fish burgers and salads.

'And so they all ate and were fat and happy.'

So sayth the guru in the mountain.

In actuality everyone stared at the squished fish burgers and limp salads, gagged, and threw them at the Kuriboh, who only ate so much stuff

LoneWolf coughed. "Afterwards, the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of leftovers. And everyone was amazed."

Grandpa walked onstage with a broom. "Clean-up?"

Everyone looked at the strewn, mashed up food-pieces.

Joey shrugged. "Yep."

Grandpa shook his head.

In the end, there were twelve garbage cans filled with…undesirable food product.

And everyone was amazed that there was so much…garbage.

LoneWolf sweatdropped. "Righto. The moral of the story was that Jesus provides."

*Curtain falls*

Bakura: Now that was pointless.

Toboe LoneWolf: *sighs* Yes, I know it's a different format, and I'm still getting used to it. Script-format is so looked down on these days...*sighs again* Well, hope you guys still liked it. *waves* Till next time! Ja ne!