Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ How to Lose Seto Kaiba in Ten Days ❯ Day One ( Chapter 1 )

How to Lose Seto Kaiba in Ten Days

Written by Yet Another Crazed Fangirl Or: Kisara The Angel of Music, formerly known as Erik’s Angel of Music. My first Yu-Gi-Oh! fic ever!!!

Disclaimer: I own nothing presented in this fanfic. I am making no profit from this.

Summary: A parody of the movie How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. You would not have to have seen it to understand the fanfic, but I do recommend seeing it. Basically Kisara (Who, although was an Egyptian character and not apparent anymore, I couldn’t find a better person to fit the role) makes a bet that she can ‘lose a guy’ within ten days (hence the title). Meanwhile Seto, makes a bet that he can make a girl fall in love with him in ten days. Coincidentally **cough**plot convenience**cough** they find themselves dating one another, each unaware of the other’s schemes. Have fun reading, and if you notice something I can improve upon, please state it in a review.

Also, I kept all of the American names with the exception of Anzu’s. Mainly because I couldn’t figure out how to do that little accent over the e. **people stare** SHUT UP!!!

Finally, the chapters will be divided up into days. The total will be ten, if it weren’t already blatantly obvious. Oh, and the little number thingies are footnotes. Thanks to Olivia, who suggested I put them in. Now… BEGIN!!!

Day One

……….

Kisara sat in her makeshift cubicle, managing to occupy herself with the latest edition of OMG. The title accurately illustrated the intelligence of its readers, just skimmed through the pages looking for shirtless models. She sighed loudly, wishing she wasn’t one of the ‘lucky’ few who had been granted a one month internship, or at least that she had been given someplace decent to work at. Somewhere that didn’t include half-starved bimbos staying true to their blonde stereotypes, giggling over some new makeup applying technique. Gently releasing the death grip on her pen, she continued to draw moustaches and various other deformities onto the models that smirked up at her from OMG’s glossy pages. It served as a very soothing method of relaxation.

The magazine couldn’t hold her interest for long. Kisara looked at her watch and noticed that her friend Anzu was quite late. She had been rather spacey as of late, what with her new boyfriend and all. For the past week or so Anzu had spoken of nothing but how he was so dreamy and perfect and how she loved him and how they were going to get married and have a bunch of children and their son would be named Peter, cuz isn’t Peter just the cutest name ever, and he had a car and it was really cool… And she was three hours late today.

“Oh, crap,” Kisara said, realizing what must have happened.

……….

Anzu sat in the taxi hunched over with her arms covering her face, sobbing loudly as Kisara attempted to console her. They were returning from Anzu’s apartment, where Kisara had forcefully dragged Anzu out of her bed. “It’s… It’s not fair!” she screeched, too overcome with grief to notice the constant glances the cab driver was tossing back at them. “I mean, for the first few days everything always works out perfectly. Then, out of the blue, he just doesn’t call anymore.” She drew a tissue out from a pack in her purse and blew her nose. Meditating on the subject for a moment, she continued. “It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it?”

“You’re not fat, Anzu! You’re really cute! It’s just not a good idea to spray perfume on a guy’s pillow…” The driver shot a wondering look at the pair in the backseat, making a mental note to never try to understand women.

Blotching her eyes with another tissue, Anzu looked up. “How was I supposed to know that?! Mai does it all the time and she has men waiting on her hand and foot!”

“That’s because Mai is one of the few gifted people in this world. As for the rest of us, stuff like that doesn’t work. Anzu, all you need is a little help and-”

“We’re here. $23.56 for the round trip,” interrupted the driver, not bothering to hide his relief of finally getting rid of the two.

“Ag… Darn city prices…” Kisara mumbled, riffling through her bag for the change. “Here you go,” she said, slamming the bills into his sweaty hand. “Come on, Anzu. Get… Get. We have a staff meeting in less than five and if we don’t show up we’ll fail. Get out of the car, Anzu.”

Anzu meekly obeyed, sniffing as she did so. Following Kisara through the front doors, they briskly made their way to the elevator. “Cheer up. We’ll find Mai and go out for drinks later,” Kisara said in a feeble attempt to uplift Anzu’s mood.

“’Kay…” she replied sullenly.

As they entered the office they were greeted by an already formed circle of employees, all sitting on pillows with eyes closed and their palms held up, supposedly symbolizing inner peace. Their entry had obviously disrupted the meditation of their peers: They were being thrown glares not too different from those of the taxi driver.

“Hem…” coughed Maurgarite, the decidedly foreign, and therefore superior, owner of OMG. She had even put in blonde highlights to pay tribute to her slight German heritage. “As we all know, this months issue hits stores in precisely fourteen days,” she said hitting each syllable with a disturbing amount of accuracy. “Which means, ladies, that the deadline for any articles being included must be in a week from this Friday. Now,” she moved on, clicking her pen against her elbow. “All interns have to complete at least one article in order to pass. And though, tempted as I am to simply let you all fly out, true to the curriculum I must stay, correct? Being on that subject… Anzu,” she stated. “What are you working on?”

“Well… There’s sorta been… Stuff… Ya know? And I sorta forgot and…”

“Say no more. You found a man,” Maurgarite’s speculations were followed by whispers of glee from the rest of the crew. “But alas… From the look on your face… You were dumped, no? That’s horrible. Simply dreadful. An awful experience, quite frankly. One our audience could relate to. Write an article about it.”

Kisara, intervening for the sake of her friend’s dignity began, “The thing is… I’m already writing a variation on it. Not so much as to what being dumped is like… Too depressing. But… It’s sort of about what people do wrong in relationships. I can use myself as a guinea pig. I’ll date a guy and purposely make all of the common mistakes many women do in their relationships. It can be-”

“How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days,” finished Maurgarite, in a tone that said she was not merely suggesting it. “Perfect. Upbeat, catchy and amusing. Anzu, you can do a piece on liposuction. Make it fun.” She then moved onto much more important topics with the fashion team, leaving the lowly interns to talk amongst themselves.

“Thanks,” whispered Anzu, still cringing over the prospect of researching different methods of removing one’s body fat.

“No prob,” replied Kisara, who was cringing for a different reason. What had she just volunteered herself for?

……….

Back at Domino High, Joey was plotting. Well, not really plotting since he was asleep at the time. What he was doing, however, was dreaming up painful deaths for a certain individual. A certain individual who sat one seat behind him.

“Wake up, Dweeb,” Kaiba said while poking Joey with a ruler. “Class is over. And you’re drooling on your desk.”

“Meh…?” asked Joey, looking up to find the person who, just a moment ago, had been feeling the wrath of his Jinzo. “No… Darn it! Why won’t you stay dead?!”

Kaiba smirked at his classmate. “Keep dreaming, Wheeler. Maybe one day if you work real hard, you won’t be such a loser anymore. Until then, I’d get a sponge,” he said in his usual pompous tone. He then stood up and walked over to the corner, where he normally spent his free time, typing away on his ‘high-tech computer thingy of doom’, as Joey frequently called it.

Growling, Joey stomped over to Yugi’s desk, where his rather short friend was frantically pressing buttons on some video game. “I hate that jerk,” Joey grumbled, crossing his arms to emphasize his immense agitation.

Yugi flicked the off switch and looked up. Joey was fingering his saliva moistened hair. “Kaiba again?” he questioned, wishing that Joey would realize that the only reason Kaiba picked on him so much was to get a reaction out of him. Which admittedly was a very amusing spectacle to see, especially when he began throwing chairs at bystanders.

“Who else?” he snapped back. Sitting cross legged atop of Yugi’s desk, he sighed and made an apology. “Sorry Yugi. It’s just he gets so freakin’ annoying sometimes, you know?”

“Not really. You’re the only person he acts that way to. To everyone else, he’s just cold. Guess it’s his personality.” He paused a moment to collect his thoughts. “It doesn’t stop the girls from going after him, though. Next to Duke he has the biggest fan club in school.” Pausing again, Yugi added one final thought. “Plus, don’t you think you’re overreacting? No one else hates him as much as you do. Not enough to start plotting, anyway.”

Joey rubbed his hands together, his demeanor dripping menace. “Oh, but they will… Everyone will… Soon, everyone in the world will point and laugh at HIM, saying ‘Oh! Look at the stupid dog, lets throw rocks at it!’ Then HE’LL be the one begging ME for mercy! AND I’LL BE THE ONE ON TOP OF THE TOWER LAUGHING AT HIM!!!” Joey now stood on top of Yugi’s desk with his clenched fist raised dramatically in the air. Yugi looked away, blushing for Joey’s sake, as he had not yet realized that the rest of the class was staring at him.

“THEN I’LL BE THE ONE WITH THE BIG COMFY CHAIR AND THE FRENCH MAIDS AND HE’LL BE OUT TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING AS A CROSS-DRESSER-” A textbook hit Joey in the head, courtesy of Kaiba himself.

“If you’re going to plot against me, at least do it so that not everyone within ten square miles can hear you. Or is that ‘big comfy chair’ down at my office so enticing that you can’t think straight?” Allowing himself a few seconds to gloat over his victory, Kaiba then returned to his typing.

Joey shouted back at Kaiba, his hysteric peers, and the message on the chalkboard reading ‘Joey is a dork’, which had been there at least for the past week. “HEY!!! YOU DID NOT WIN THIS!!! QUIT LAUGHING!!! YEAH TRISTAN, I MEAN YOU!!! I SAID STOP IT!!! WAIT A SECOND!!! WHO WROTE THAT?!! IT WAS YOU, WASN’T IT TRISTAN?!! GAH!!!” He lunged at Tristan in a mixed state of fury, confusion and a burning desire to impress the small group of girls who were giggling away madly.

Yugi sat, looking pensive as the mayhem occurred. He wished everyone could just get along, as naïve as that sounded. He sighed and laid his head down, ignoring Tristan’s girlish screams as Joey bit his arm. Hopefully someday, if they were lucky, everyone would be able to put their pasts behind them and move on.

……….

Kaito, both Kaiba’s business associate and cause of incessant migraines, balanced a pencil on top of his puckered out lip. Stationed with his feet on top of his desk, he tilted his head back to resume his official position of laziness. Unfortunately for Kaito, Kaiba stood by the doorway, watching his every move.

“So… This is your top secret project,” Kaiba snatched the pencil from its sitting place and used it to flick Kaito on the head with an impressive amount of force.

Kaito quickly recovered from his state of shock and sat with his hands interlocked which were placed on top of a stack of messy papers, with his feet flat on the ground. “So chum, what brings you to my humble abode?” He gestured to his once non-hazardous working space which was decorated with countless pieces of Gundam merchandise and a thick layer of trash piled collectively on the floor.

“Kaito…” Kaiba winced as he felt something wet against his leg. “We need to have a talk. And not just about the whole ‘chum’ thing. Your future employment here…. It’s questionable.” Kaiba fidgeted with a lose thread on his sleeve. Despite the fact that Kaito had many, many faults, he was still a good person deep down. Not in the annoying friendship obsessed way that that twerp Yugi was, but in a ‘will do anything to make you smile’ way, which often involved stripping down to his boxers and hitting on the secretaries.

Kaito doodled on one of the papers which read ‘budget’. “You’re firing me,” he said dully, not looking Kaiba in the eye.

Kaiba stuffed his hands inside his pockets and made his response. “No. I couldn’t fire you, even if I wanted to. You possess too many fans for that.” He was referring to the lower employees of KaibaCorp, which was made up almost entirely of otaku(1). On one occasion Kaito had declared himself emperor of all things nerdy and since then they had turned into his devoted followers. It was an odd situation, granted, but not one that surprised Kaiba, after all it was a gaming company he ran. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t take this seriously, Kaito. Kaito…? What is that…? Yes, that. Is that a chipmunk? In your desk?!”

“Yes… His name is Pickle-Juice. You see… He’s not a normal chipmunk. He was a gift. From my sister. From… New Zealand. New Zealanders take their woodland creatures very seriously, you know. So the embassy, they decided it would be a good idea for him to explore the world-”

He was cut off by a very loud Kaiba. “You see? This is exactly the kind of crap I’m talking about! This office is absolutely filthy and you haven’t produced a decent idea in over four months! And sure, taunting the secretaries is funny as hell, but Linda’s filing for sexual harassment! I’ve given you warning after warning but it’s just not-”

“Dating game,” Kaito said, unnervingly calm considering his position. “It’s not what the company is known for, but they’re popular. The point of it could be to win a girl’s love within a certain time limit.” Kaito twiddled his thumbs in await for Kaiba’s response. Obviously the chipmunk had not won him over.

Kaiba stared at him in both amazement and wonder if he was brain damaged. “Are you serious? What kind of dork spends his time playing dating games?”

“Tons of dorks. Myself included,” answered Kaito, once again proving his title. “Virtual girlfriends have tons of tips when it comes to dating. They are not only hot but also good practice for the real thing.”

Shaking his head, Kaiba replied. “No one needs a game to help them get a girlfriend.”

Kaito raised his eyebrows in astonishment. “Really, now? I bet even a stud like you could use some help with the ladies.” He winked suggestively, causing Kaiba to shudder.

“Ever call me a stud again and I’ll rip off your arms and beat you with them. And no, I don’t need any help. Any girl would die to go out with me, even one who doesn’t belong to my fan club.” He smiled smugly, feeling victorious for the second time that day. “Face it, I could make any girl fall in love with me.”

“Oh? That sounds like a challenge. How about this, since you’re so cocky lets make a bet. If you can make a girl fall in love with you by Shounen Con, you can ignore my idea and I will turn myself into the perfect KaibaCorp employee. But if I win, you must go forward with my plan and Pickle-Juice gets his own private office, complete with a bunch of chipmunk ladies to make things cozy. Is it on?”

“To borrow your phrase, ‘it’s on’,” Kaiba replied, confident as ever. “Though, you still have to clean this place up. The dirt seems to be on the verge of mutating,” Kaiba walked out of the office in his flowing way, taking long strides and letting his trench coat wave out from behind him. Kaito, sensing the time was appropriate for a blatant Monty Python rip off, trotted after him, clapping together a pair of coconuts.

………..

Joey rumaged through his refrigerator in search of food fit for consumption. His findings included not much more than some mustard stains and a half eaten tin of sardines. Placing the tin on his kitchen table, which consisted of a poster board placed over a broken speaker, he began to poke it suspiciously. Finally overcoming his first concerns, Joey picked up a sardine and was about to eat it as his phone rang.

He picked it up and said “Just about to sit down to a nice plate of sardines when the phone rings… What? No I’m not in Spain!(2)”

“Joey… What are you talking about?” replied Kisara.

“Ah, nothing. Oh! It’s you Kisa! How’s the internship going?”

“It sucks, but at least I get to miss math.”

“I wish I could’ve been chosen for the whole intern thing… Would’ve been better than sitting around school all day. Man if I could measure how much school sucks in nickels I’d be a billionaire. In nickels. You know nickels are kinda useless if you think about it. Dimes are cooler, cuz… They’re dimes. And they do stuff. Though quarters-”

“Um… Joey?”

“Oh. Ah… Yeah. What were we talking about?”

“Well… I’m writing this article and I need to date someone for it so-”

“Do you want to see me shirtless?”

“…”

“‘Cause I’ve been working out and it’s starting to show up. Come over and I’ll flex for you.”

“Joey…”

“Yeah?”

“I need to date someone to purposely break up with him.”

“Eh?”

“I’m writing an article about what girls do wrong with their boyfriends… I have to be so awful that he’ll want to dump me. Toy with him, act all clingy, make him watch chick flicks… That kind of stuff. All I was wondering was if you knew someone available…”

“Okay. Unless you want to go out with Tristan, I don’t know anyone. Hmm… WAIT!!! Meet me down at club Veda at seven! Oh! And wear that short skirty thing you and Anzu always wear.”

“The school uniform?”

“Yeah… That thing… It’s nice…”

“Imagining fun things are we?”

“…no.”

“See you in an hour then.”

“Sure. Oh and… Please never mention the flexing thing to anyone else.”

“We’ll see. Bye!”

“HEY!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! DON’T HANG UP ON ME!!! DAMMIT YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?!! Crap…”

………..

Kaito sipped his beer through a neon green bendy straw which he had brought from his office. Waiting for Kaiba to return from his phone call, he began to blow bubbles in his drink. He quickly grew bored with that and drummed his fingers on the counter, restless and in desperate want of sugar.

“Nice straw,” commented Joey. He was slurping from a glass of fluorescent orange liquid.

“No way…” gasped Kaito. “YO! Bartender Lady Sir! Get me a glass of Kool Aid! Fruit Punch flavored, please!” She rolled her eyes and filled Kaito’s order, muttering about the maturity of men those days.

Given his sugar dosage, Kaito became much happier. “So!” he said, looking at the blond boy. “My name’s Kaito. And yours?”

“Joey. This may seem a little strange but are you single? See, I have this friend and she asked me if I could hook her up with someone. And she’s really cute too. So, how ‘bout it?”

Kaito shook his head. “Sorry, but I’ve had enough with girls for the time being.”

“Really? That sucks. But it’s good for you I guess.” Joey laughed and looked up at the ceiling. “You won’t believe this, but for a thing she’s writing, she has to act like a mental case so she’ll get dumped in a week.”

Kaito, his mouth filled with Kool Aid, made drastic hand motions and knocked over his abandoned glass of beer in the process. Gulping first, he exclaimed, “That’s perfect! Listen! I have a friend. We made a bet and I need him to lose cuz Pickle-Juice is getting kind of depressed and he’s not as hyper anymore but that might be because he’s stuck in that drawer all- But that’s not the point! Kaiba needs a girl to fall in love with him, but if he dated your friend then… Joey? Why do you have that evil glint in your eye? Actually, it’s kind of sparkly.”

Joey, in all of his glinting majesty, responded, “Kaiba. He needs to fall in love. Kisara. She’ll rip apart his sanity. She’ll tear apart every fiber of his mind with her womanly madness. Yes… YES!!!” Laughing maniacally, Joey repeated the word yes a couple more dozen times until Kaito finally poked his shoulder.

“Dude. You need to lay off the sugar.”

Joey turned his head towards Kaito, snapped out of his evil daze. “Right. So whaddya say? Lets set them up!”

Kaito bit his lip for a second. “As Kaiba’s friend and business partner it is my sworn duty to protect him against crazed imbeciles such as yourself. However, this sounds like it will be most amusing and will also serve as an excellent opportunity to gain some material for blackmail.”

“Good. Then everything is set up,” Joey said, rubbing together his palms.

A huge sweat-bead came down the back of Kaito’s head as he stared at Joey. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Joey narrowed his eyes. “No. My plan is perfect.”

“Well that’s just it. What is your plan exactly?” asked an exasperated Kaito.

“Weren’t you listening? We set them up together and then Kaiba’s head goes KABLOOEY!!!”

“…And you don’t see any, lets say, vague areas in that? Such as how precisely we get them dating?”

Joey opened his mouth as if to rebut Kaito’s criticism but he came up shorthanded. “Fine. So there might be a few details I didn’t work out yet. What do you think we should do?”

Kaito’s attitude changed significantly, suddenly completely serious. “First, you stop saying the word ‘kablooey.’ Next, what does your friend look like?”

“Well. She look like a girl.(3) She has blue hair down to her waist and her eyes… I’ve never really paid attention to what those look like.”

“Blue hair should be enough. When she comes, I want you to bring her over here where I can see her. Then I want you to tell her you’re going to the bathroom, but really leave. I’ll take care of it from there.”

“Any clue if this’ll work?”

Kaito responded in a high pitched sing-song voice. “Not at all!”

“You have got to stop those mood swings.”

“Meanie! Oh! Get out! I see him coming!” Kaito said suddenly, looking over Joey’s shoulder. Joey stood up and briskly walked into the crowd of dancers, narrowly avoiding Kaiba.

……….

Kisara pushed her way through the sidewalk, cursing the city’s vast overpopulation. She was already fifteen minutes late and it wasn’t even her fault. Stupid people in the party district were so darn rude. She gave a sigh of relief when she saw the sign for the club Joey had mentioned. She opened the front doors only to take a step back and rub her throbbing ears. The music was not only lacking in taste but deafening. She took a deep breath and tried again, hoping to find her friend and get out as quickly as possible. Luckily, Joey was waiting for her near the entrance.

“Hey,” he said loudly. “Thought you’d gotten lost or something!”

“Almost,” Kisara replied.

“You look like you could use something to drink. Follow me.” Joey took Kisara’s hand and led her over to where he and Kaito had been scheming moments before. “Hey! Get this lady a soda!” he shouted, much louder than he needed to since the music was quieter near the bar.

“Thanks,” said Kisara gratefully. She was tired from having to run over a mile. Though it was partially her fault, since she had chosen to wear heels to match her white halter dress.

“No problem,” replied Joey. “I’m gonna go take a piss. Be right back.”

“Lovely,” retorted Kisara, though giggling at Joey’s bluntness. Alone again, she began to think about, of all things, lemurs. Smiling as she clutched her coke bottle, she didn’t notice the two men who were talking behind her back.

. . .

Too lethargic to keep an upright position, Kaito rested his chin on his hand. “So… Who’s it going to be, stud?”

“Remember what I said about calling me stud?”

“Nope. But you didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m taking my time,” hissed back Kaiba.

“Fine, do so,” replied Kaito, a bit miffed with his colleague. “But, if I were you I’d try and score with the bartender. Knows her drinks, that one.”

Kaiba shook his head in a mixture of laughter and disgust. “I still can’t believe that you’re three years older than me. Take advantage of being able to order alcohol already!”

“Just because I’m twenty doesn’t mean I have to drink. Most of it tastes yucky!” said Kaito.

Snorting into his seltzer, it took Kaiba several moments to recover from his friend’s usage of the word ‘yucky.’ “That was awesome, Kaito. Plain awesome.”

“What?” asked Kaito indignantly.

“You know exactly what. But for now… How about her?” Kaiba pointed his finger in the direction of Kisara. “She looks as though she’s pondering deep thoughts.”

“Saving me some trouble are we?”

“Huh?”

“Nothing. I thought I’d be the one to point out someone to you, is all. But she’s cute. Go ask her out.”

“I think I will.”

……….

Annoyed with Joey for leaving her alone for so long, Kisara let out a breath of air. Honestly, how long does it take to find a urinal?

“Hey,” said a cool voice. It came from a boy around her own age. He wore black slacks and a matching turtleneck, over which hung a slick, white trench coat. “My name’s Kaiba. What’s yours?”

Kisara, taken away from her ring-tailed friends, replied, “Kisara. Nice to meet you, Kaiba!” She held out her hand for Kaiba to shake.

Complying, he said, “I was wondering if you’d like to… Well, go somewhere. Much different than here,” Kaiba flicked his head towards the drunk masses who were chattering away loudly.

“Yes! I mean… It was my friend’s idea to meet here and I don’t really, oh! That’s right! My friend went to the bathroom! Um… Hey! Excuse me!” Kisara walked over to where Kaito was sitting, flipping through a manga.

“Yes?” he answered, amused at the array of coincidences which were taking place.

“If you see a blond guy with hazel eyes could you please tell him that Kisara left?”

“Certainly,” he replied, attempting not to chuckle.

“Thank you!” she said. She walked up to her victim and asked if he was ready to leave. Given the affirmative, they headed towards the exit and left Kaito to reflect over what he had just unleashed.

“Those poor souls,” he whispered to himself. “But at least I still have my sugar! Sugar…” He caressed his Kool Aid lovingly, ignoring the stares from onlookers. One however, whistling in a low tone to his friend, struck Kaito’s nerves. “Leave Francois alone! A bully like you could never understand the love we share!” With that, he skipped out of the bar, bringing Francois with him.

……….

Note: The first chapter is completed. Here are the promised footnotes, to prolong the agony of reading this fanfic. Don’t worry, it will end shortly enough. **pets the heads of traumatized children**

1). Otaku: For those who don’t know what the term means, it’s an anime fan. The direct translation is ‘house’, meaning otaku don’t leave their houses. It basically exemplifies how dorky Kaito is supposed to be. And yes, I did invent Kaito because I think he’s awesome.

2). Sardines and Spain: A blatant reference to Noises Off. The opening lines include a character just about to sit down to a nice plate of sardines when the phone rings.

3). She look like a girl: A blatant reference to Swan from Mad TV. I like the skit, so I felt like putting it in. **shrugs**

Reviews are appreciated, but don’t be nice about it. Be as mean as possible when reprimanding my mistakes, otherwise I’ll never learn. So while flames are annoying, don’t be afraid to criticize. Thanks!