Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Ways to Drive an Esper Psycho ❯ Dramatis Personae/ One: Conversations with God ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is my second attempt at brainless humor, but it's taken a distinctly angsty turn. It has no influence on the continuity of Do Duel Monsters Dream of Cardboard Sheep? and Crisis of Faith; however, most or all of the names are the same. It's an alternate timeline taking place right after the Joey vs. Weevil duel.
On the topic of names, I'm generally using the ones from the dub. The personal names of the Duel Monsters, Arkana's first name, the names of the younger Robas, Cecilia's nickname, Catherine's last name, and the names of Joey and Serenity's parents are non-canon.
Much credit has to be given to Clow Hatter's "My Grandpa Got Ran Over by a BEWD" for inspiring this fic. She would be on my favorite authors' list; unfortunately, I can't get myself to go on reading "I'm a Coward." The minute I got to the end of Chapter One I was so angry at one of the characters that I wanted to take Ailill's advice and go write myself a lynch mob. Now I don't dare go near that fic. It's probably a great one, but... I just can't. Sorry.
Reviews would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Duelists: Derek Arkana, Ryou Bakura, Téa Gardner, Isis Ishtar, Malik Ishtar, Seto Kaiba, Yugi Motou, Maximilian Pegasus, Rex Raptor, Zachary "Esper" Roba, Jr., Weevil Underwood, Mai Valentine, Joey Wheeler

Duel Monsters:
Baby Dragon: Alexander "Sandy" Sang
Blue Eyes White Dragons: Chihiro, Haku, and Sapphire
Celtic Guardian: Ailill
Copycat: Ken
Curse of Dragon: Hikari Kenshin
Dark Magicians: Aaron, Cassiel, and Gabriel
Dark Magician Girl: Miriam
Flame Swordsman: Brendan
Gaia the Fierce Knight: Michael Gaia
Giltia the Dark Knight: Geoffrey Giltia
Harpy Lady Sisters: Leda, Helen, and Macha
Harpy's Pet Dragon: Job DelaSangre
Jinzo
Koumori Dragon: Tani Koumori
Lady of Faith: Elaine
Lord of Dragons: Ryuunosuke
Magician of Faith: Morgan
Red Eyes Black Dragon: Black Jade
Reflect Bounder: Rigel
Serpent Night Dragon: Dar DelaSangre
Shining Friendship: Angela
Summoned Skull: Fluffy
Two-Headed King Rex: Tyrann and Osaurus

The Younger Roba Brothers: Charlie, Danny, Tommy, and Kyosuke

Others: Duke Devlin, Catherine Jordan, Mokuba Kaiba, Solomon Motou, Scott Reuben Wheeler (Joey's father),
Serenity Wheeler, Stephanie Malloy Wheeler (Joey's mother)

"All right, God," said Dar DelaSangre, "I don't know if you really are there. Geoffrey Giltia says you're there, but Geoffrey is Geoffrey. But for the purposes of this conversation I'll be assuming you are there. I'm told you're fair, so the fact that my name means blood shouldn't make any difference, now should it? All that evil knight stuff is junk. Pure and simple. He called me; I didn't call him. He was the evil one, not me. I don't eat human kids. Hell, I can't remember the last time I ate a human. Or killed one, for that matter.
"I always chew my food before swallowing. I always kill my food before chewing. If it's alive when I get hold of it, that is. These days it usually isn't. I always brush my teeth, ever since I discovered toothbrushes. I don't take to my natural form and terrorize people. I don't stomp Baby Dragons flat. Sure I was in the Shadow Games, but no more than, say, Gabriel. Fact of the matter is, I was probably in them less than Gabriel. Him being the Pharaoh's Servant and all.
"So what," he shouted, "just what did I do to deserve THIS?"

In case you were wondering, being stuck in the Shadow Realm for millennia is no fun at all. Being stuck in the Shadow Realm with three Harpy Ladies who take self-love to a whole new level is less than no fun at all. Being stuck in the Shadow Realm with a Master who gyps your cousin's Master out of his room and sometimes fakes psychic powers and annoys the hell out of people (fortunately, not in the same way as Morgan's Master was annoying) is even less than less than no fun at all. As Job DelaSangre would happily tell you.
Dar thought the Harpy Lady Sisters were cute, but only because he didn't have to wear a dumb collar and be constantly sat on. Literally and figuratively.
Job sighed as he walked through the Lantern City mall, after Leda and Helen and Macha and their Master had started back to their apartment. Their Master had been shocked, then thrilled when she had in a moment of boredom wished for them to appear and they had. Now her primary concern was with food bills for four people, three of them being Duel Monsters and one of them being an adolescent (in body and soul if not in time passed since birth) dragon.
He had slipped off at the first opportunity and walked, in his human form, all the way to Domino, where he found the Raptor residence after a bit of looking. There, some of Dar's compatriots had lent (or rather, considering the low probability of payback, they had given) him some money their Master had given Dar, and that Dar had left behind in the event that Job came calling.
They had told him that in the latest tournament, Battle City (Job knew all about that; his Master had received an invite too) Rex had lost to a cheating so-called psychic (yet another so-called psychic) and, according to Battle City rules, anted up his rarest.
His rarest happened to be one Dar DelaSangre, AKA Serpent Night Dragon.
Who would've thought that Rex Raptor, dino-duelist, would believe in the Heart of the Cards? He was currently extremely bummed out and barely talked to anyone, Tyrann AKA Ran had reported before his twin Osaurus AKA Sora had made him shut up.
Job had left incredibly jealous of Dar. Rex fell into the depths of depression when he lost Dar. And if Mai Valentine lost Job? She'd probably be annoyed at the inconvenience and go hunting through booster packs for another "Harpy's Pet Dragon."
He wondered if Hikari Kenshin's Master with all his prattle about Heart of the Cards truly cared as much as Rex did.
Hikari, AKA Curse of Dragon, infrequent steed for Michael Gaia, whose guts she professed to hate. They had never been together on the dueling field, but maybe that was for the better. Less reliance on physical appearance to build a relationship that way. She didn't mind the collar she knew was there.
In fact, she had said it would probably look sexy on him.
Look sexy it might, but feel sexy it didn't. Currently, it made Job feel on the same level with the dogs that went by.
Now to get her a gift. He had some money left over after buying some modern clothes, not forgetting a jacket capable of concealing the collar. Might as well try getting something for her, too.
Now what would Hikari want? Not bunches of gaudy flowers or florid love poems- the Lady of Faith might love something of that nature, but the Lady of Faith Hikari definitely wasn't. Chocolates would do as a last resort, but Job thought they weren't quite right for her, either.
He considered gemstones. Gemstones would be an all-purpose gift of sorts. Job had never met a dragon who didn't appreciate a good emerald or diamond or such, and Hikari was no exception. Unfortunately, Dar hadn't given him that much money.
It struck him as he walked by a store that he never would have given a second glance otherwise. He had of course heard of the insect duelist Weevil Underwood; the Masters of both Dar and Hikari had faced him in the past. Dar hadn't come to his Master until after that duel, but Hikari had done very well. Until that stupid so-called Great moth showed up…
As luck would have it, the item he wanted was on sale, so Job bought two (one for Hikari and one for Dar's compatriots) and still had a few dollars left over when he walked out and headed for the mall exit, toting twin cans of bug spray.

"It was his younger brother who wanted us. Kare no otouto-san wa watashi to anata o hoshii deshita." Chihiro Snow spoke in Japanese, an idiosyncrasy she sometimes still made use of. Pale hands that looked like they had never seen battle thrust into the pockets of the borrowed trenchcoat. Blue eyes scanned the interior of the video shop, making sure another figure, currently carrying out the mission they had been sent out on, didn't overhear.
"I know." Haku slumped against the shelf full of New Releases, brushing white hair that had nothing to do with aging out of his face. He too spoke in Japanese. "That's what bothers me. Master Mokuba wished for us and Master Seto didn't. That must mean something and I don't think it's a good thing. Older sister-" Chihiro knew he was serious then, he never called her older sister unless he really meant it. "-you should know. You were the one who could stop and I couldn't when that demented associate of that even more demented- that- that-" Haku soon gave up finding the perfect epithet to describe Maximilian Pegasus, as well as speaking in Japanese. "-when he said to attack and you managed not to. And you were the one who got to wipe out that thing's numbers."
Chihiro shrugged. That had become her favorite gesture after for the first time in millennia she took a human form, right before the astonished Kaiba brothers. Normally, Blue Eyes White Dragons couldn't shrug. "It was just luck." Since Haku was deciding to be serious, she decided to be straightforward. "By all rights it should have been Sapphire."
"Our younger brother," and Haku smiled as Sapphire in question grabbed a DVD off one of the shelves and began to run toward them. "Look at him- just like Master's own brother, isn't he? Eyes and hair and all."
Chihiro would have replied, but Sapphire reached them before she could.
Sapphire Snow had blue eyes the same color as Chihiro's and Haku's and his were, as Haku had observed, nearly identical to those of Mokuba Kaiba as well as those of the picture on the card. The hair seemed like Mokuba's, a bit too long for a boy's hair, but instead of Mokuba's dark it was the same snowy pale as his siblings'. The grin, however, not the demented one of a Toon (Chihiro shuddered at the thought) was genuine Sapphire.
He held up a DVD case. "Big sister, big brother, can we get this one? I'm sure they'd like it too!"
Haku and Chihiro looked at the cover and began to feel embarrassed. Very embarrassed.
"Um, Sapphire," said Haku at last, "why don't we get something else- please?"
Sapphire, unknowing, continued to hold up the case for Hayao Miyazaki's Spirited Away. "Why? What's the matter with this one?"
Haku laughed nervously, remembering the movie review he'd accessed on Seto Kaiba's computer. Specifically, the cast list. "Er, believe me, Sapphire, you don't want to see that one."
Sapphire was not a stupid child. "Whyever not?"
"Because, um… it's a cartoon. You know Seto hates cartoons." Haku grabbed a movie at random from the nearest shelf. "Here. Why don't we get this one, instead."
It was then that Sapphire began to grow pale. Very pale.
"B-big brother," he stuttered, "y-you c-can't b-be s-serious."
Chihiro looked at the front of what Haku was holding out and shuddered. Again. "Younger brother," she forced herself to say, "you didn't even look at that, did you?"
Haku looked. Then he screamed. Then he dropped Funny Bunny: The Movie like a flaming potato and fled the store, leaving an even more embarrassed Chihiro to apologize to the manager and compensate by buying the Spirited Away DVD after all.
It was going to be a very long night…

"Good evening, Miss Jordan." Even confined to a hospital bed, he had sophistication; there was no question why Seal had married him. He reminded her of Derek before the accident; she banished the thought.
She smiled back. "Good evening."
"I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet my business partner, Duke Devlin, creator of Dungeon Dice Monsters. Duke, this is my sister-in-law, Catherine Jordan."
Duke stuck out his hand and she took it. He grinned. "Very pleased to meet you, Miss Jordan. Haven't I seen you before?"
"You might have."
"She was in show business," Maximilian supplied. "Assistant to a very famous magician."
Duke cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, now I remember. Arkana, wasn't it?"
She nodded. "Yes, it was. It was."

Dar's only replies to his shout were the laughter from the bedroom and the noise of the pencil as Esper Roba, his new so-called Master, worked on another newspaper crossword puzzle, completely oblivious.
Esper had not been kidding when he said he thought he might use Serpent Night Dragon as a coaster for his drink.
Dar DelaSangre was currently in his natural form, with four glasses (one Coke, two apple and one orange juice) balanced on his back. He thought he must look very much like an old-fashioned table in the Raptor home that had had claws on the ends of the legs. Only this one had a head thrown in. Not to mention a brain.
Esper put down the pencil, picked up the glass closest to him, took a sip and put it down again before returning to the crossword.
He hadn't made the wish. One of his little brothers had (he was the one who had the orange juice). "I wish," Charlie Roba had said, "that Serpent Night Dragon were real so the bullies won't bother us." Dar could get to like the younger members of the Roba clan, Charlie and Danny and Tommy and Kyosuke, yet. But their big brother…
If only he were with Rex now. They would be watching TV with Ran and Sora, munching popcorn and drinking countless glasses of cranberry-raspberry juice (the adults in the Raptor home didn't believe in soda except on special occasions). The adults weren't aware that Rex had made the wish and that Ran and Sora and Dar were the result of that wish. It was their secret.
What wouldn't he give to be there instead of with this annoying, psychic-fraud, sea-green-haired freak!
Who was now looking at him, seemingly acknowledging for the first time in a while that he wasn't just sentient furniture. "What," asked Esper, "is a four-letter word for donkey?"
A thought occurred to Dar, one that Michael would call sinful. Geoffrey would just laugh. The thought quickly took shape, and in five seconds he had the plan more or less blocked out.
He grinned. "Oh, that's an easy one," he said. "Roba."