Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Survivor for Morons ❯ Monday (Week 1) ( Chapter 1 )

(Author's Note: I wrote this story with the help of my friend Kenshin.)

DISCLAIMER: The main idea for this story was not ours. We were inspired by the series of articles at http://thefluffymag.nightsail.net/index2.htm, or "The Fluffy Magazine". A very brilliant person/writer came up with this idea, and we are only using the idea. If the writer of "Big Buttocks" has any objections to us posting this here, simply let us know and we will take it down.

SURVIVOR FOR MORONS!

The Cast:

Hiei, Kurama, Botan, Kenshin, Sano, Misao, Saitou, Raenef, Eclipse, Erutis, (and randomly) Chris.

The cast has been invited to a random mansion on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. None of them have any idea what's going on, although Misao seems to think she's going on a luxury cruise and Sano is terrified of the boat, convinced it's going to "suck his soul". They arrive at 2:45am, and this is where the story begins…

WEEK ONE

Monday

2:45am

The cast has just stepped off the boat onto the sandy shore. Kenshin has responsively fallen into a puddle of quicksand. Sano asks why there is quicksand on a beach. Misao automatically turns and tries to bury Saitou in the sand, and is in turn Gatotsu-ed into the nearest tree. Watching the proceedings with a bored gaze, Hiei says, "Hn." Without giving it much thought, Eclipse opens an umbrella when Raenef barfs over the side of the ship whilst trying to get off. Chris the "Super Genius" is trying to write his name in the sand. Erutis walks up and points at the word "genius" saying, "There's no "o" in genius!"

3:00am

The guide has finally arrived. "I am Dwight. If you will all please follow me, I'll show you to your humble abode." Erutis, in turn, has to translate the "big words" into moron language for Chris and Raenef. "Shall we be arriving at our domicile at any respectable time of the even…morning?" Eclipse inquires. Even Erutis is stumped by this one. The cast decides that a traveling game of stump the retards is a bad idea. So they decide to play "I Spy" (not realizing how dark it is). "Ill go first!" Raenef exclaims. "I spy, with my little eye…something…something…black." "It's an apple! AN APPLE!" Chris shouts. "Moron," Hiei says. "I know!" Boton answers. "It's the night!" "Good job! How did you know?!" Raenef says. Botan's finger shoots up in the air, bonking an unusually tall Sano in the face/eye. "BINGO BINGO BINGO!!!!" Which in turn starts a chorus of "and Bingo was his name-o!" Hiei and Kurama vaguely wonder what happened to "I Spy". Hiei turns to Kurama. "I thought we were playing a game of I Spy." Kurama smiles a little then says, "That would be unfair, as you have a few more than the rest of us."

5:00am

The cast are standing near a large pond watching as Dwight runs in circles around a nearby tree, trying to find the way to the mansion, since he got them lost…on an island. "Do you think he knows it's a circle?" Hiei asks. "BINGO!" Boton shouts once more. "You win the prize!" "I thought is was a trapezoid," Raenef whispered to Chris. "I thought it was the letter 'A'," Chris whispers back. Suddenly, Dwight stops running and turns back to the cast. "Shall we be going now?" They all stare. "What the hell…o?" Hiei says, as he remembers this is a children's show. "I am Dwaine," their demented guide continues, "and now I shall be leading you to your house." "FINALLY! WORDS WE CAN UNDERSTAND!!!" Raenef and Chris start jumping around in circles. Erutis smacks them with her sword, screaming something about melonheads. "MELONS?! WHERE?!!!!" Sano looks around wildly. Erutis decides to hit him too, and obtains an approving gaze from Saitou.

5:15am

The mansion finally comes into view and everyone lets out a loud cheer sprinkled with "BINGOS!" from a certain blue-haired deity of death. Erutis decides to hit her too and promptly calls her a melonhead. Raenef, Chris, and Sano run over Dwight as they charge up to the front door shouting about their dinner. "But…it's breakfast time!" Eclipse comments. "…" is all he gets as a response before they continue shouting, "WE WANT LUNCH!" "ORO?!" Kenshin peers into the mansion. Dwaine opened the door and let the idiots into the house. "Go crazy," he said with a sigh. Suddenly, his composure changes dramatically. "OH NO!! THEY TRACKED IN MUD!!" he then charged in after them, yelling for a mop.

5:18am

Sano, Chris, and Raenef have ransacked the kitchen, and upon finding no precooked food are now sitting at the table pounding on it with forks and knives screaming for their "lunch". Everyone else is busy searching for the Advil…the constant screaming has given them headaches.

Suddenly, a loudspeaker crackled to life out of seemingly nowhere. "HELLO, AND WELCOME TO SURVIVOR FOR MORONS! I am your host, Pooky, and this is my BEEEEEEEEEEEEEST FRIIIIIIIIIIIIEND Ykoop!" A little voice is heard from the background. "ME TOO!" The cast exchange baffled glances as Sano falls off his chair in fright and Raenef appears to have a seizure. "Where the hell did that come from?!?!?!?!" Sano shouts. "I controlled myself, moron, so…YOU SHOULD TOO!" Hiei shouts at Sano, exasperated.

"Your first task for 'Survivor for Morons' is too…COOK YOUR OWN BREAKFAST!!! Dun-dun-dun!" the voice adds, creating its own sound effects. (The show's budget is too small to allow for real professionals) "Me too!" the voice in the background shouts again. The cast just stand there with their mouths hanging open. Misao taking a look around comments, "We all look like codfish." "What's a codfish?" Raenef asks innocently while Eclipse puts his head in his hands.

5:45am

The cast is sitting around the table, trying to decide what to eat. Dwight (as he appears to be at the moment; the cast has come to the conclusion that he is schizophrenic) is vigorously scrubbing at the front hall. "DWIGHT, DWAINE, OR WHOEVER YOU ARE AT THE TIME, YOU ARE NOT TO HAVE ANY INTERACTION WITH THE CAST! LEAVE AT ONCE!" The voice says, "ME TOO!" "But I just have one more footprint!" He whines. "OUT!" The speaker bellows. "Bwahahahahahahaha…*Plankton's evil music plays in the background*"…A boot appears out of nowhere and kicks Dwight out into the cold night…er…morning.

"B-b-b-b-b-but…what does it dooooooo?" Raenef wonders, holding up a frying pan and waving it around in the air, succeeding in whacking Chris in the face. Hiei looks more then slightly ticked as Kurama gently takes the dangerous weapon from the stupid, yet adorable idiot. "No, it's a FRYING PAN," he said slowly. "You use it for frying food!" "Ohhhhhh," Raenef says, clearly not getting it. "Can we eat Erutis?" Sano says, plainly bored with it all. "NO!" Saitou shouts. Everyone turns to stare at the Wolf of Mibu. "What...? Nothing!" he says grumpily and turns his back to them all.

6:00am

Botan and Misao, by conjoined effort, have finally managed to turn the stove on. Kurama and Hiei, after watching the very sad crew for nearly 15 minutes, kick everyone out; claiming it as their domain. "Can I catch it on fire?" Sano asks, as he is pushed out of the kitchen. "After we're done cooking," Hiei mutters, then shuts the door. Kurama looked at him. "Uh, are you seriously gonna let him burn the kitchen down?" "Hn," Hiei sniffed, then turns to the refrigerator. "Do you want bacon or eggs?" An unrecognized voice says. Hiei whirls around to see Youko standing there. "Uh…" he says, giving him a weird look. "What? I'm a better cook than Shuichi."

Yanking all kinds of food, including the bread for some odd reason, out of the fridge, Youko proceeds to make breakfast while whistling the Pokemon theme song over and over again. Hiei snorts and decides to set the table; after a while he find himself humming along to the catchy song. "ARGH!!!" he shouts, breaking the plate he is holding at the moment. "I HATE THAT FREAKIN' PIKACHU!!!!"

6:30

The table has been set, after Hiei breaks a few more dishes; one over Youko's Pokemon whistling head. A few bent spoons lay forgotten in the trash can, Youko proclaiming them too bent for reuse. A hungry cast enters the room; some being restrained by other more competent members. The idiots are strapped into their chairs, and the others take their seats. Chris gets stuck in a high chair, since there aren't enough seats to go around. It seems that Koenma was planning to come, but had some urgent business to attend to ("Lucky bastard," Hiei comments.).

Youko carries breakfast in, followed by Hiei who is still muttering all manner of curses about Pikachu. When asked what they are having to eat, Hiei answers in a dark tone, "Fried Pikachu!" With a loud gasp, Sano falls off his chair in a faint. Chris looks at Hiei funny and comments, "…But I LIKE Pikachu." "Don't be silly," Youko says, sitting himself down next to the "Super Genius". "It's just ham, eggs, and toast!" The tall, silver kitsune starts to feed the future High Cleric with a flourish. "HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE- MMPH!" Chris shouts, outraged. Youko uses the occasion to stick a particularly large spoonful of eggs in his mouth. Raenef bangs his head off the table. "GIMME SOME GIMME SOME!!" Erutis hits him with a chair. "Gimme gimme never gets!" She scolds.

8:00am

Everybody is finally done eating. Most of the place looks like a war zone, but there remains one perfectly clean placemat…Where Kurama ate. Raenef is now rolling in the eggs Chris dumped on the floor. "Master Raeneeeeeeeeeeef!" Eclipse tries to pull his charge out of the mess. Wrinkling his nose, he says "You need a bath. WHO'S ON RAENEF CLEANSING JOB?!" Chris and Erutis both point to each other, shoving some last-minute bits of bacon into their mouths. (Where the bacon came from? Nobody knows!)

"YOU ARE! YOU'RE HIS MENTOR, YA LONG-HAIRED FRUITCAKE!" Sano shouts, jabbing an accusing finger at the tall demon. With a glare cold enough to freeze hell, Eclipse advances slowly towards the crass teen. With a fearful glance, Sano darts behind Kenshin. "THIS THE FEARED BATTY-O-SAI! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" he shouts, waving Kenshin's arms around. "ORO?!" Kenshin says and promptly falls over. "Well there goes my defense," Sano mutters, and tries to hide behind Saitou. Saitou in turn whacks him with his sword and then leaves the room in disgust. "I guess I'll clean up in here," Kurama says. Upon glancing around the room he finds that the task in question will most likely take the entire morning…right up until about lunchtime, where he will get to clean up after a SECOND meal. "Oh joy," he mutters, and rolls up his sleeves, forgetting he doesn't have sleeves.

9:15am

Everybody has fallen asleep on the couches, save for Raenef and Eclipse who have gone to do "Raenef Cleansing Job". Various shrieks and splashes are heard from one of the bathrooms. The cast decides to avoid that one at all costs and broadcast a flood warning. "I'm bored," Chris proclaims. "Howzabout a game?" Everybody else groans. "The last time we tried to play a game, it ended up with us walking in circles in the dark for 2 hours," Erutis mumbles. "But that wasn't our fault-" "NO GAMES!"

9:16am

"I'm bored," Chris says again. "Will someone practice swordsmanship with me? After all, I'm going to need lots of practice if I'm going to be Magic-Wielding-Swordsman!" Saitou, who up until this point had been sharpening his sword, looked up and replied quietly, "I will." "Ohh, goodie! Are you good? Cause I warn you I am a SUPER GENIUS!!!" Chris shouts and strikes a cheesy pose. Rolling his eyes, Saitou picks up Chris by the collar and carries him outside. The rest of the cast follows, except for Kurama who is busy scraping Sano's eggs off the ceiling in the kitchen.

Saitou brandished his sword. "I guess I have to take it upon myself to decrease the MLI of this household…" "What's MLI?" Raenef whispered loudly to Erutis. "It's the Moronic Level of Idiocy," she whispered back. "Now shut up and watch! I've been waiting all year to see that moron get his butt kicked…" "Prepare to be amazed by my astounding swordsmanship!" Chris bellowed. He walked over and bonked Saitou on the head a few times. "Die, evil buttock!"

9:17am

"My turn," Saitou says and with a loud "GATOTSU!" sends Chris flying through the air to land about 100 feet away. "Hmph," he says with a smirk and turns away from Chris to find Erutis staring at him with stars in her eyes. With a gallant swoop, Saitou scooped her up into his arms and the two rode off together on one of the horses provided by the "Survivor for Morons" crew. That is, they rode off until they remembered they were on an island and had nowhere to go. Raenef watches them go before running over to see if Chris still has a pulse. "Mommy, make the dancing tubas go away now!" he mumbles, before going completely unconscious.

Raenef looks around wildly. "THERE ARE DANCING TUBAS?! SOMEBODY GET THE WOOD VARNISH!" He ran for his life -- right into a tree. "YOU PEDOPHILE!!" Sano screamed after Saitou. "YOU HAVE A WIFE IN KYOTO, REMEMBER?!" "SO WHAT?! Erutis doesn't mind! Do you, my little fluffy-cuddles?" Erutis burps accordingly. Saitou smirked. The horse saw Saitou's smirking reflection in a nearby pool. It flung Saitou and Erutis across the sand and galloped off into the rising sun, just like in the old western movies. No one applauded.

"Sunggles!" Erutis shrieked. "Are you ok?!" Standing up, Saitou answered, "Yes I am my little Snoogums-Bear." Then he sighed. "But I guess now we have to go back to where all those other morons are." Cuddling up to him Erutis sighed also and let herself be carried back to the main set of "Survivor for Morons".

9:30am

The swordfight now over, the cast was once gain getting bored, except for Kurama who was still cleaning the kitchen. However, he was now attempting to wash the encrusted ketchup off of Eclipse's plate. "I never saw one man eat so much ketchup in my life," he muttered.