Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ 50 Things To Do Before We Perish ❯ 2.Stealing A Penguin From The San Diego Zoo and Naming Him Herbert ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

50 THINGS TO DO BEFORE WE PERISH

Chapter Two: 2) Stealing a Penguin from the San Diego Zoo & Naming Him Herbert

Sapphire: Holy kuso! :does dance: You reviewed!!!!!!!

Hiei: Yeah, so?

Sapphire: It's a big deal, damnit!

Hiei: No its not. And I wouldn't review if my life depended on it.

Sapphire: Well, you couldn't review anyway. You can't REACH the review button!

Hiei: Stop making cracks about me or I'll flame your ass.

Inuyasha: Touch her ass and you'll fucking die!

Sapphire: :nods: What he said.

Hiei: Bakas.

Sapphire: Just to clear something up from last chapter: Dreamchasereternity owns `rubber ducky man' and `giant tuna'. Oh! And I haven't updated in a while because, well, this chapter was a LOT to write.

Inuyasha: Must I say the disclaimer?

Hiei and Sapphire: You must.

Inuyasha: :groans: Sapphire is owned by Sapphire(sapphire-glass); Ruby is owned by Ruby(one owner of griffen-gal); Yu Yu Hakusho is owned by Yoshihiro Togashi; InuYasha is owned by Rumiko Takahashi; Rubber Ducky Man and Giant Tuna belong to Dreamchasereternity. We have no idea who the hell owns Neopets or ShopRite, but we don't. Anything with ((or))'s around it is an author's note.

Sapphire: I don't think this chapter is NEARLY as funny as last chapter, but it sure the hell is longer. On to review responses!!!!!

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inuyasha-lovers: Thanks so reviewing! I appreciate it! Glad you enjoyed the chapter!

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CHAPTER TWO: 2) STEAL A PENGUIN FROM THE SAN DIEGO ZOO AND NAME IT HERBERT

IN JAIL CELL

Yusuke and Kuwabara were holding on to the cell bars for dear life. Their legs were being pulled by the love-sick homosexual cross dresser.

“LET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!” Yusuke shouted, tears falling from his black and blue eyes.

“Wahaha!!!! I don't deserve this!” Kuwabara cried.

“Yes you do teme.” Yusuke growled and started crying hysterically.

“Come on boys, stop resisting! I hate it when you tease me and play hard to get!” the disgusting gay cross dressing cellmate said, licking his disgusting lips.

“DAMN SAPPHIRE TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Yusuke screamed, feeling himself being ignored and pulled further in the cell.

ON SAPPHIRE'S DECK

Sapphire, Kurama, Inuyasha, and Ruby were all sitting down on Sapphire's huge deck. Sapphire was sitting on Inuyasha's lap, legs curled, head leaning back on his shoulders and Inuyasha was nuzzling into her neck.

Kurama was holding Ruby bridal style in the chair and they were snuggling close together. ((Oh la la; bikinis for the girls and only pants for the boys.))

“So, what next?” Inuyasha asked, holding Sapphire tighter.

“Watch it!” Sapphire squeaked as his claw dug into her side.

Inuyasha's ears drooped. “Sorry.” Sapphire smiled and wrapped her arms around Inu's neck, the two kitsune's snickering to themselves.

“Problem?” Inuyasha and Sapphire asked with a growl, glaring. The two foxes looked away and started whistling innocently.

“Uh let's see…………”Ruby said slowly and picked up the list from off of the floor.

“I thought that was in your pants pocket….” Kurama started but then remembered something: she's Ruby. Ruby, the klutz. Ruby, fox element of fire, the sister of the panther element of darkness, Sapphire. He would expect the unexpected and strangely placed with these two around. Besides, Ruby's his girlfriend; who didn't remember their girlfriend was a weirdo ditz?!

((Hey, noticed something. Inu and Sapph never kissed, and Rubes and Kura never kissed. Hmmm…….))

“It's says' 2) Steal a penguin from the San Diego Zoo and name him Herbert. `” she read and a happy expression came on her face.

Ruby and Sapphire jumped off their boyfriends' laps, high-fived each other, and screamed in delight.

“AH!” Inuyasha growled and covered his sensitive doggy ears; Kurama covering his human ones.

“One of our life-long dreams will soon be accomplished because we're going to die anyways!” Sapphire declared smiling, placing her hands on her hips.

“Yeah! Personally, I'd like to name him Mr. Fluffy Uffy Wumpkins, but hey, Herbert's good.” Ruby said smiling, doing the same as Sapphire.

The two guys stared at her like she was high and sweatdropped.

“Oh,” Sapphire informed them,” there was a huge teddy bear in ShopRite, Kurama this was before you knew her or Inuyasha knew me, and Ruby really wanted it for Christmas. So she got it and had NO idea what to name him.

“Then we went on this freaky site, Neopets, and into somebody's shop, and then some little girl in a cute voice started singing a freakishly cute song involving the line `you're my fluffy uffy wumpkins.' So, she named him after the song.

She gave him a wife and everything. But then I—I mean somebody broke in her house and stole them because everytime any bear was mentioned, Ruby'd start singing THAT song.”

The boys nodded in approval.

“I still wanna know what the hell HAPPENED to them. I'd kick the kidnapper's ass.” Ruby said, putting and crossing her arms.

“Yeah, ok. The stealer would so kick your ass.” Sapphire said with a proud smirk and sat back on Inuyasha's lap, crossing her legs.

IN THE JAIL CELL

Yusuke's leg was being pulled towards the gay cross dressing cellmate.

“Back you beast, back!” he shouted and picked up an anonymously placed frying pan and started whacking the cellmate's head with it.

“Kuwabara help!” Yusuke pleaded and saw that Kuwabara had kiss marks all over his face and was knocked out cold, drooling.

`Who could even THINK of kissing that thing???' Yusuke wondered and continued to repeatedly beat the cross dresser off of his leg.

INSIDE SAPPHIRE'S ROOM/BATHROOM

The girls came back upstairs the 8-floor mansion with no problem and walked into Sapphire's room. Although the boys didn't NEED to come upstairs and there was no way they could turn into Chibi Miroku's and peek, they decided to attempt anyway.

Although Inuyasha could run far and jump high, he was NOT in the mood to, neither was Kurama who had turned Youko. The two were on the 6th floor panting their brains out.

“Wonder what their problem is.” Ruby said once inside Sapphire's room.

“Me too. We walk up these things all the time; my house and your house.” Sapphire called, stepping into the bathroom, flicking the light-switch on, and closing the door.

“So, why do I always have to get changed in the bathroom?” Sapphire asked. “It's my room, you should be changing in the bathroom and I should be out here.”

“Well, that's entirely true, but you're my sister and you do those things. Plus, the authoress says it'd totally ruin the paragraph that's coming up soon.” Ruby said with a wise nod.

“Feh.” Sapphire mumbled and continued changing.

“I'm done Rubes, but I'm going to like, brush my hair or something so yeah.” Sapphire said and began brushing her teeth

“Yep.” Ruby said, also finishing her own business and started looking around the big room. You'd think Sapphire's room would be piled but no, surprisingly she'd found time to clean.

Sapphire's room was sapphire-blueish silvery color ((if you haven't seen that color before, let me tell you, it's gorgeous)) and her rugs were a sapphire blue.

In one area was her futon bed, a night stand and light that was oddly in the shape of a world globe wrapped in chains, a computer desk, computer, a computer cushion (no chair), and a window.

In another area was a closet full of only hell knows what, two dressers, an easel for painting, another window, and a big clipboard of pictures of Sapphire and Inuyasha, and a few of Ruby and Kurama and all four of them as well.

The third area had barely anything except a mat to fight and practice fighting on and about every weapon you could imagine on the wall. The fourth area, there was the bathroom, a window, and a sack which Sapphire carried around. On the ceiling was…you guess it; Yusuke and Kuwabara's pictures with 18000 darts stuck in their heads.

Ruby decided that it would be really interesting to look in Sapphire's closet. So she did. She opened it slowly in fear of something collapsing on her, but found everything basically cemented together.

It looked like, you know those Chinese food container's that hold Low Mien? Well, dump one of those out without touching it and it's all blocked together. That's what it looked like, only with random things and no noodles.

Ruby's eyes scanned the closet but bulged as she saw something terrifying.

“AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screamed.

Toothbrush in mouth, Sapphire jet out of the bathroom. “What!?” she exclaimed.

Ruby looked at her. Her eyes were filled with tears and her bottom lip was trembling. In her hands were the heads of Mr. and Mrs. Fluffy Uffy Wumpkins.

“Oh, is that all?” Sapphire asked unfazed, leaning against the base of the bathroom door. She turned and went back into the bathroom to spit out the tooth paste.

“What do you MEAN is that all!? Look what you did to my bears! You decapitated them you…you….you bitch! What'd they ever to do you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?” Ruby cried, sobbing into the bears' stuffing.

“Annoyed the living hell out of me and haunted my beautiful nightmares.” Sapphire said, arms crossed and leaning against the closet doors.

“Still!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Ruby screamed. Sapphire truly is the element of Darkness. Heartless and who calls nightmares beautiful!? Ruby thought and picked up the rest of the bears' bodies.

“And what may I ask are you doing?” Sapphire asked with a sigh.

“Giving them a proper burial, baka.” Ruby said, turning her nose in the air and starting down the stairs.

“Oh no you don't you bastard! Not in my yard! And clean your mess up!” Sapphire shouted and threw Ruby's bathing suit at her. Ruby flew down the steps and landed with a thud.

“Let the battle begin!” Ruby shouted and pounced on her elder sister.

“Reow!” Sapphire cried ((like a cat does when you…heh, step on its tail)) as Ruby stepped on her tail.

Sapphire scratched Ruby's face and pounced back on her.

“Bring it on, bitch.” she said with a huff and it began. They went tumbling down the flights of stairs, hissing, spitting, scratching, clawing, pulling, hitting, and kicking each other.

The two boys on the 6th floor stared as their girlfriends rolled down the stairs.

“I think we missed something.” Inuyasha said with a sweatdrop.

“Yeah……..” Youko said with a nod, also sweatdropping. He and Inuyasha raced down the stairs after their rapidly pacing girlfriends.

IN THE JAIL CELL

“To hell or heaven's LORD, please let us out of here damnit!!!!!!” Yusuke screamed and threw the frying pan at the cellmate.

“Please! We'll do 980,000,000 hours of community service if you let us go!!!!!” Kuwabara cried, surprised he even KNEW that number.

“Fine.” the police officer said, quite annoyed at all their crying and that he couldn't get a seconds time of sleeping or stuffing his fat stomach with greasy and sure-to-kill-you-instantly donuts.

He led Yusuke and Kuwabara outside who were sticking their tongues out at their crying cellmate. He threw them outside and went back inside, not ready to deal with the sobbing homo cross dresser.

“Yes!!!!!!” the boys shouted and high-fived each other. They looked around at all the people in orange suits, working. They were all cross dressers too! And THEY were all gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Or not.” Yusuke muttered and punched himself to knock him unconscious. Kuwabara picked up an anonymously place mirror, looked it in, and fainted of shock.

IN THE ARMS OF EITHER BOY

Instead of holding their own girlfriends, the boys decided to grab the opposite girl. Meaning that Inuyasha was holding a kicking and screaming Ruby back, and Youko was holding back a pissed-off, kicking and growling Sapphire.

“Let me go!” Ruby screamed.

“I need to kick her ass some more! Get off!!!!” Sapphire growled. She kicked Youko where the sun certainly doesn't shine and Ruby elbowed Inuyasha in the nose.

“Mesuinu!” the boys yelled, Inuyasha falling down holding his nose and Youko almost crying out, clasping his hands together between his legs.

The girls instantly went back to fighting. They rolled from their current spot at the bottom of the steps into the kitchen. Out of nowhere a huge spray of water came flying at the two elements.

“What the hell!?” they screamed and blocked their faces with their hands, but went flying into the opposing wall.

“You are so annoying.” the sprayer said, and threw it back in the sink.

“Hiei, you bastard.” Sapphire growled and stood up, taking her claws out ((like how Wolverine does it.))

“Wanna fight, kitty? We'll fight.” Hiei said, and took a fighter's stance.

“NO!” Inuyasha growled and blocked them from fighting. “You're annoying the hell out of me! The girls need to get changed once again because they're practically naked from clawing each others clothing. Second off, YOU, Hiei…..where'd you come from!?” Inuyasha finished off, narrowing his eyes at the short, black-haired person and not noticing blushing girls behind him.

Inuyasha and Hiei began to argue over stupid shit and Ruby and Sapphire forgot their fight for the time being, stepped over a still in-pain and on the floor Youko, and ran upstairs to change yet again.

IN COMMUNITY SERVICE

“What the hell, Kuwabara? Why'd you say 980,000,000 community service hours!? We actually have to serve that many, dipkuso.” Yusuke growled from his yellow suit in a corner, hammering a large and un-breakable rock with three old guys whistling at him as he worked.

“Well, I'd rather be back in there with that gay dude.” Kuwabara mumbled from his own yellow suit in his own corner with some guy winking at him.

“At least there are GUARDS out here to protect us.” Yusuke shouted and hit the rock one more time, still not being successful in breaking it.

As if on cue or something, a loud annoying bell rang out. It was a lunch break. The guards all went inside to grab some donuts and coffee; leaving the two idiots alone with the gay cross dressed cell-people……once again.

((I'm just SO mean. Muwahahahaha! Hey, I'm not the element of darkness for nothing.))

IN SAPPHIRE'S KITCHEN

The group of 5 was now all together in the kitchen. Everybody was fully and properly clothed. Sapphire was wearing blue short shorts ((doesn't it suck ass when there aren't any long pants washed!?)) and a black belt, a blue belly shirt with a black short, sleeveless jacket pulled over top. She wore black boots that tied up to the knee.

Ruby was wearing a teal skirt with a slit down one side that went up to her knee. She was also wearing regular knee-high boots. Ruby had a grayish black shirt on that tied in the back, showing off her shoulders as there were no straps.

Sapphire apologized to Ruby ((Holy shit! The world's ending!)), Ruby apologized back, Inuyasha sat on Hiei until he apologized, Sapphire apologized to Youko who was still keeping a distance from her and still in a little pain, and Ruby apologized to Inuyasha who's nose had stopped bleeding.

So now everybody had explained to Hiei what they were doing and how they were planning their next adventure soon. He just burst out laughing, the little jerk….but wait, does he EVER laugh a lot????

“What's so funny?” Ruby asked with an `hmmph!' and crossed her arms.

“You morons. Why the hell would you steal a penguin of all things? OR name it Herbert?” Hiei asked, subsiding his laughter.

“Well you're coming with us, shorty.” Sapphire said with a smirk and everybody tried to not laugh at the look on the fire demon's face.

Hiei stood up and tried to get in Sapphire's face. “Oh, here let me help you.” Sapphire said cracking up, and bent down to Hiei's eye level.

“Bitch.” he muttered and glared at her. “One more crack, kurohyou. One more.” he growled and gave her a look that meant `I'm serious, damnit.'

“Hiei, what was that you said you wanted? 10 inch boots?” Inuyasha said with a smirk.

Hiei glared at him. Inuyasha shrugged and said, still with a smirk on his face, “You never said I couldn't make cracks about your shortness.”

Hiei cracked his knuckles at his side and charged for Inuyasha. Ruby countered his fist with a kick to the head and he went flying backwards.

“Now IF you don't mind, and I don't care if you do, let's GO already!” Ruby said irritated.

Hiei grumbled something that sounded something like `You fuckers can all go rot in hell, damnit' and they all went outside into…..outside.

“SO, how are we getting to San Diego, oh-smart-ones? It'd take a while to run or jump and I'm not boarding a plane with ningens.” Hiei said sarcastically and rudely.

“Wouldn't is be easier to use the `Spirit Gem'?” Ruby asked. Inuyasha, Ruby and Hiei nodded, and then looked at Sapphire.

“No way. Not doing it. Stop being lazy asses. Let's get running.” Sapphire said and started walking.

“No! Too far damn it! Let's ride a plane!” Ruby complained and stood her ground.

Sapphire and Inuyasha shrugged. “Whatever.” they chorused and against Hiei's wishes, Sapphire DID transport them all to the airport.

IN A CONVIENTLY LOCATED TREE

Yusuke was wrapped around a tree branch. Kuwabara was in the branch on-top of Yusuke's and they were both scared crapless.

The guards had yet to come back and now all of the gay cross dressers decide it'd be fun to hit on and scare the two idiotic freaks. So they did.

They were all crowded around the tree, biting at the guys and making inappropriate sexual comments.

“I MUST BE HATED! I SWEAR IF YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS FROM NOW ON I'L BE GOOD!!!!!!!” Yusuke cried to the motionless sky and Kuwabara was already crying like the ugly baby he was.

Just that moment the annoying bell sounded once again and the guards filed out, sending the cross dressers to angrily go back to work.

“YES!” Yusuke and Kuwabara shouted, and they tried high-fiving each other. But they, being them, missed and went flying out of the tree.

((Heh, don't worry, they'll get theirs……again. If somethin magically happens to the coffee, remember, it wasn't the authoress's fault!))

So the gang…..hey, we need a name for the gang, don't we. Let's see……I can't be the Inu or Yasha gang…..nor the Yu Yu gang….hmm…..I don't know. If you get any ideas, lemme know!

So anyway, `the gang' was now waiting impatiently in line….or two of them were. We all know for a fact that Inuyasha is EXTREMELY impatient, but currently he was cursing off a vending machine for eating the dollar Sapphire gave him because even thought they stole all that money, he forgot some of his own. Ruby was sitting contently with Youko reading a magazine called `THE DEMON TIMES'.

Now who does that leave, hm? That's right. The two who 100% do NOT get along. Sapphire and Hiei. There were about 5 people infront of them, but you know these two. Well, actually, at times, Ruby is a lot more impatient that Sapph, but mostly it's Sapph. And Hiei is ALWAYS impatient.

“What the hell is taking so long? It's not THAT hard to fill out a 5 question form, get a ticket and go.” Sapphire growled and tapped her foot rapidly.

“Tell me about it.” Hiei groaned and crossed his arms with a huff.

“Wanna play a game?” Sapphire suddenly asked a huge look of boredom on her face.

“Are you crazy?” Hiei asked with a glare. Oh wait, never mind, she is. He thought to himself.

“I heard that baka.” she growled and rolled her eyes. Were boys so dense that they didn't remember that she could read minds? Who forgot something like that!?

“ANYWAY” Sapphire said, glaring at the small one, “wanna play rock paper scissors or something? I'm bored and there are still 2 people infront of us.”

Hiei gave her a look that said `I-utterly-hate-you-and-my-answer-is-no'. Sapphire gave him an evil look that said `I-have-ways-to-make-you-play.' Hiei groaned and nodded.

“Ichi, na, san, shu-to!” Sapphire announced and they picked their objects. Rocks. A draw.

“Ichi, na, san, shu-to!” Hiei said and they came up with a draw again. Paper. They didn't notice, but there was only one person infront of them.

“Grrr. Ichi, na, san, shu-to!” they both growled and they came up with a draw again of scissors.

“Shimatta!” they yelled in unison and were too involved in tieing angrily to notice that they were up to order tickets.

“Excuse me.” the woman said at the counter.

They continued their game.

“I said EXCUSE me.” the woman asked impatiently.

Again, they ignored her.

“EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled and Hiei covered his human ears and Sapphire held down her panther ears.

((Remember, Sapphire is a panther demon. She can actually turn into anything she wants, elf, vampire, demon, human, etc. as can Ruby, but she almost ALWAYS is in the panther hanyou form with no human ears, panther ears and a panther tail. Thank you.))

“What!?” they screamed.

“You're next in LINE.” the woman asked irritated and the two sighed with `finally'.

“5 tickets to San Diego, California, onegai.” Sapphire said, pulling out her wallet.

“Uh sure…” the woman said. She was a full American; she doesn't understand what onegai or anything Japanese meant.

She handed Sapphire the tickets, and Sapphire handed the woman the money. Hiei and Sapphire then made their way through the line of ningens and over to the 3 who had reunited from either a magazine or the vending machine.

“Let's go!” Sapphire yelled as their flight was called to board. They all ran onto the platform, gave the man their tickets, and hopped on the plane.

IN THE JAIL CAFETERIA

Everybody was crowding Yusuke and Kuwabara as they sat down at a table. So far, this was the eighth time they moved their lunch spot.

“Leave us the hell alone! WE want to sit by OURSELVES.” Yusuke growled shaking a finger at them.

“What, you mean you two are together?” one asked.

“EW NO!” they both yelled.

“Then we don't HAVE to leave you alone.” another one said with a smirk.

“Uh, fine, we're the t word.” Kuwabara said, Yusuke and him exchanging grossed-out glances.

“Prove it, then. Kiss each other on the lips.” their original cellmate said.

“NO FUCKING WAY!” Yusuke shouted, falling off of the bench.

“WHAT HE SAID!” Kuwabara yelled.

“Again, then we don't have to move.” another one said.

The boys sighed. They'd have to deal with these gay cross dressing weirdos. `Cause no way in hell were THEY even hugging.

ON THE PLANE

“Oh, Danielle, I totally get what you're saying! Josh Hartnett is so hotter than Johnny Depp when he was younger.” a dumb prep was saying to her friend on the phone. ((BTW, I think they are both ugly mother fuckers.))

Sapphire's eye was twitching madly as was Ruby's. They despised preppies. And this dumb mesuinu would not SHUT up! And something the girl just said set them off the wall.

“Yeah, those stupid Japs giving you problems? Haha! As if they could sing.” was what came from her mouth.

The entire group of 5 nearly jumped at the girl's throat but Sapphire stopped them with an evil smirk.

Sapphire whispered something to Ruby while glancing at the others and at the girl and Ruby also got an evil smirk on her face.

Sapphire and Ruby, still with evil smirks on their face jumped into the aisle with the prep watching.

“Oh god.” Inuyasha and Kurama groaned and held their foreheads.

“Ichi! Ni! Ichi, Ni, San!” Ruby shouted and Sapphire and she started singing:

“Summer days!!!!!! I can't stand the summer days!
Frozen cocktails and night fireworks
what's so great about them anyway?
Summer day, let it be some other day
Seaside motels and sex on the beach
don't be thinking I went all the way

I hate summer days!

Rushing down the traffic, to the beach,
That's jammed for blocks and blocks
They ain't getting nowhere,
Still miles and miles left to go
Strutting down the street, the girls,
they try to impress their boyfriend to be
I give up and don't try
Every day is a bad hair day
Guys, they come up with lame pick-up lines,
Desperate to just get laid

Damn, give me a freaking break!

Summer days!!!!! I can't stand the summer days!
Frozen cocktails and night fireworks
what's so great about them anyway?
Summer day, let it be some other day
Seaside motels and sex on the beach
don't be thinking I went all the way

Goddamn summer days!

Kate was the one, who said that life was made to be enjoyed
Stop crinkling your face
Everything will turn out okay
Serving table to table up and down the isle
Had on a face I'd never seen
Whatever happened to her?
Who has stolen your smiles away?

Who said that summer can brighten the mood of fate?
Nothing is going to change

Damn, give me a freaking break!

Summer days!!!! I can't stand the summer days!
Frozen cocktails and night fireworks
what's so great about them anyway?
Summer day, let it be some other day
Seaside motels and sex on the beach
don't be thinking I went all the way

Who needs summer days...?

Summer days!!! They have never been the same
once you left and were out of my sight
leaving no trace behind
summer day, why oh why on a summer day?
You were gone without saying goodbye
Taking it all away

No more summer days!!”

They finished the song and a round of applause burst throughout the plane.

“Beat that you damn prep!” the two girls shouted in the dumb prep's face.

“Hmmph.” she said and continued to talk on the phone.

Sapphire walked over to the flight attendant, first asked if they could indeed be the entertainment for the 9 hour plane ride and for two microphones. She thanked the attendant and walked backed over to Ruby, handing her a microphone.

“Should we drag Dagger and the rest of the girls here?” Ruby asked.

“Nah. This is the show Sappubi (sapph-ue-bee [cross between Sapphire and Ruby] style!” Sapphire said happily and high-fived Ruby.

((Don't worry, this is the last song I'm going to type up, and then I'll just get on with the story although the girls have 8