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| "Touch the Jeep and Die" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Title: FFARG Review Ch 2
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 20:54 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFARG. I commend you on submitting your first work. It's a good sign that you're willing to do what it takes to grow as a writer. With that said there are a few things that I must touch upon here. The characters come across a bit flat in this chapter. You say the car salesman is a typical used car salesman but the reader doesn't know what makes him that way. Attention to detail will help make things more believable. Also, try getting inside the minds of your characters. What are they thinking when they or someone else does an action? For example, what is Hiei thinking when he spots the Jeep and what's running through Kurama's head when Hiei blows up some cars on the lot? These are things to pay attention to no matter what genre you write for. As for the comedy in this piece I as a reader don't quite see it. The flatness of the chapter seems to have affected the comedy you're going for. Getting someone who can help you out with your comedy to look over your chapters before submitting them would be the way to go and will help make this even better. For a first attempt at a fanfic you do a good job but with a little extra work it could be better. Once again thank you for submitting to FFARG and keep writing.
| Reviewed By: qtchan [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2005 14:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
That was good so hilarious! (okay well maybe for me) Please update again! ^-^
| Reviewed By: qtchan [MediaMiner Member] On: July 12, 2005 15:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
Great story! But, I don't think Kurama and Botan would be good couples. I like it better when it's Botan and Koenma! But anyways update.
| Title: FFARG Review: Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Tinkerbell Jepardy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 13:35 CDT
Comment/Review:
I have reviewed chapter one of your fic 'Touch the Jeep and Die' as you requested. This seems to be a very good start to your story. You mange to give a good insight in to Hiei, his feelings and his motivations behind his actions. You do seem to take him quite out of character, but also do it in a way that is believable enough to know that it is still him. It has a witty under current to it that helps move the story along and make it an enjoyable read. While there is good detail on Hiei though, the other characters seem to be less developed. A little more insight in to how they are taking this situation would help to give them a stronger presence in the story. Also there is very little description of where they are, and why. It took me until Hiei was entering Koenma's office before I understood where Hiei was, and why Botan had seemed to just be wandering around. Adding more detail to the physical world around them will allow readers to become part of the story, and enjoy it to a fuller extent.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: July 06, 2005 22:49 CDT
Comment/Review:
Alright, this is a fairly nice fic, with a few things that should be looked at. First off, there is little description of who the characters are, and where they are. I'm just fortunate to know the seires so I can at least see the characters, but I have no way of knowing what their surroundings look like. (I've never seen Botan's office, and actually doubt she has one.) There is a lot of Out of Character. I could forgive Hiei, because he seemed to be the central character. However, both Kurama and Botan were far off the mark. Thirdly, unless yer planning on continuing this, there was little to do with the title, or the car itself. Also do note that the humor may need to be toned up a notch, if there was any in this chapter...
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