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| "White" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG review - part II
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 04:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
Gah, I forgot to add one more item you wanted your FFRG reviewer to address. My apologies! ^^; No, I don't believe this piece was too sentimental. I'm of the mind that your narrative POV really helped keep it from becoming too sappy of an end for Hiko. As it is, I think you did well to keep a handle on the emotions - you kept a great balance between Kenshin's emotions and keeping a small distance between him and the narrator. Nicely done. ^^ And honestly, I didn't really notice any glaring tense changes - if there was an issue, you did a great job of smoothing it over with the excellent flow and descriptions. Thanks again for submitting your work to FFRG! Sorry about this afterthought of a review. ^^;
| Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 04:35 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your work to the FFRG. First of all, I'd like to commend you on the fact that you stick closer to manga canon rather than follow the OVA version of the ending (go you! XD). I loved your characterizations - both Hiko and Kenshin were dead on. Great job! I have a few stylistic comments, however. A few spots were missing words (most likely the result of typos), other spots had excess words, there were a few misused commas, and you used "said" a few too many times (toss in a few more synonyms). Also, as a student of the Japanese language, Japanese words are not pluralized ("zoris", "tabis", and "mikos" should be "zori", "tabi", "miko"). Ah, and how is white the symbol of death? Perhaps you should look into that particular symbol and revise it. A few of your descriptions were a bit awkward and clunky, but nothing that can't be fixed. Otherwise, I immensely enjoyed your story! Your overall descriptions were amazing, and I love the style you used for this particular piece. The dialogue was excellent, the narrative flowed very nicely, and this was definitely a solid piece overall. With a little polishing and tweaking (perhaps with the help of a beta reader), you could definitely take this story from great to outstanding. ^^ I have to say that despite my nit-pickiness, your story was an absolute pleasure to read. I'll most likely come back to check out any other works you might produce. Great job, and thanks again for submitting your work to the FFRG.
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