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| "the last immortal" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG Review Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 18, 2005 23:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this fic to FFARG. I can see you've put some effort into this. Your descriptions are good, very evocative, if a little vague. However, your grasp of spelling and grammar seems to be shaky at best. The biggest error you make is comma splices. Too many commas holding together independent clauses. They should be connected with semicolons, conjunctions, or even divided into separate sentences. It's fine to write short sentences as long as you're not writing the equivalent of 'See Spot run. Run, Spot, run.' You also have missing commas, particularly the ones that are supposed to set off the name or title of someone directly addressed. You frequently exchange one word for another that is spelled similarly. The 'steal rectangle' on the protagonist's sword is an example; I'm assuming you meant 'steel rectangle.' Spell-check is not a substitute for knowing how things are spelled. Readers should not be forced to guess what you mean to say, and your atrocious spelling forces us to do so. I didn't get much of a feel for the main character. He seems to be just another wandering swordsman like hundreds in the fantasy genre. Of course, I only read the first chapter. Perhaps he'll develop a bit more later.
| Title: the last immortal: One
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: August 04, 2005 11:23 CDT
Comment/Review:
There were various errors and typos littered throughout this first chapter, but overall, I would have to say it was well written. Though, the sentences did have a tendency to be lengthy, even run-on, and they were occasionally a little confusing. The plot seems sound. It was very action-packed and entertaining, and this character flashes neon lights saying "interesting person". Be sure to re-read your own work carefully. Also, don't feel as if you have to squoosh so much information within one sentence.
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