|"Chi Vampire" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ]|
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 5|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: October 31, 2005 17:41 CST
Thank you once again for submitting your piece to FFARG. While I do feel you have a good concept with your piece, the chapter is very hard to read. The paragraphs are very short and need to be expanded upon. There is little to no descriptive work added to them. You need to work on your grammar as it makes a good portion of your chapter very hard to read. Once again, you leave your reader guessing at how the characters feel and react to the situation they're in. You need to rewrite your sentences so they make sense to the reader. You also have huge holes in your plot mentioning conversations that did not take place in prior chapters. Your plot and your characters come across as flat. Description will help make the chapter flow and work better. Your plot is there but as a reader I had to look over things twice to see where it was going. Your writing lacks direction and needs help in order to improve. Once again, I strongly suggest you get someone to look over your work before you post it. While it looks as though you had someone read over you work what you need is someone to correct your mistakes and show you where you need to edit your piece not just read it once before you submit it. Getting a beta reader will be a good start at making your piece better. Thank you for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 2 Pt 2|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: October 11, 2005 17:24 CDT
Kasumi is the only one that you have showing any type of emotion in this chapter. Nabiki isn't emotionless like a lot of fan fictions would make her out to be so she should be showing fear and concern especially after being told her little sister is dying. I could continue pointing out where you need to make changes in your chapter but that is the job for a beta reader. I strongly suggest you get a beta reader as you do have a good idea for this work but need a lot of work pulling it off well. Thank you once again for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 2 Pt 1|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: October 11, 2005 17:23 CDT
Thank you once again for submitting your work to FFARG. While I believe you have an interesting idea with your story, the way you carry it out needs a lot of work. I noticed near the beginning of the chapter that you wrote the same sentence twice even though you added on to it the second time. I found myself reading over sentences more than once to understand what you were trying to say. Your chapter comes across as being very formal in speech from the canon Ranma characters. While Kasumi is usually formal in how she speaks, she came across as being too formal. Also, while the doctor would use more formal speech than the other characters it would help to use easier to understand synonyms for certain words he uses. Instead of using "extirpated" it would make things easier to understand if you used "removed" when the doctor explains things to the family. There are also points in this chapter when you use too many comas and don't use a coma where it is needed and you use a colon instead of a period to end one of your sentences. It would help both the chapter and the entire story if you delved into your character's head more. I was left wondering how they felt about the situation in the hospital. Your characters come across as being emotionless and are only reacting to what is happening to them. A close friend and family member is in the hospital and your characters should be showing some fear and doubts about what is happening. (Continued)
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 1|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: October 10, 2005 20:33 CDT
Thank you once again for submitting your work to FFARG. Once again you have a good idea with your fic. However, the introduction to your story lacks a way to pull your readers in. A good opening chapter to any story introduces your plot. This opening chapter only introduces Akane and Ranma with no plot. Also, I noticed several grammatical errors in your chapter that need attending to and your sentence structure could use some work. While you have a good grasp of Ranma's dedication to Akane, you need to work on the way he speaks. Ranma comes across as being a bit too formal. With this series you need to remember that he does not speak as well as some of the other characters due to his life on the road with his father. I strongly suggest you get a second pair of eyes to look over your entire fan fic to help you rework everything. It needs a lot of work to make your writing fit the idea you have. Once again thank you for submitting your work to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch. 4|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: September 29, 2005 21:03 CDT
Thank you once again for submitting your work to FFARG. You have a good concept here with your story; however, it does need a little bit of extra work to make it better. First off, your paragraphs are too short. Try combining some of them together to form larger paragraphs. Secondly, you need to expand upon your descriptions of what's going on in the house. The chapter comes across as nothing more than a series of short actions with a few lines of dialogue thrown in here and there. Be more descriptive about the house and the people inside it. Third, you need to delve more into what your characters are thinking. The way the chapter is now, they come across as emotionless. Something has changed and it would affect the entire family. You need to show this change in the way they think and act. Fourth, your chapter comes across very formal. You need to lighten the tone a bit as this is an action comedy series you are writing for. Lastly, when people are speaking the reader has to read the dialogue over again to figure out who is speaking when. It would help the story if you mentioned who a new speaker in the conversation is when they first speak. Again, you have a good concept but the way you carry it off needs a lot of work. With a little time and dedication and possibly a second set of eyes to look things over before posting each chapter your story can be better. Again thank you for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFRG review ch3|
Reviewed By: Sihde (Sisi) On: September 29, 2005 00:29 CDT
Good evening and thank you for submitting to the FFRG. You seem to ease into your story, which can be good, but by personal preference I like my own chapters to start off with something to hook in the reader. You can simply state that Akane woke, or you can say 'how' she woke. You start off with nothing visibly wrong but you could be more descriptive. You could describe the events that lead Akane to be blind and deaf. Your writing style seems to have dialogue as very formal and stuffy sounding. That's not good especially because Ranma is a comedy anime and manga, and the way they speak isn't so … formal. The way you ended that was very.. original. But the way you phrased things took away from it. Good work and keep submitting.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 3|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: September 04, 2005 22:35 CDT
Thank you for submitting your work to FFARG. While you do have a good idea with your fic I noticed that you have a tendency to switch tenses mid sentence. In addition, you have a scene where Nabiki goes to the Nekohantan yet you leave the reader wondering what Nabiki talked to Cologne about. It leaves a gap in the plot and the timing of the chapter. While you have a good grasp of grammar, some of your sentences are a bit confusing causing me to have to read them more than once to understand what was happening in the chapter. It is my suggestion that you have a person look over your chapters before submitting them to make each chapter better to understand. Once again thank you for submitting your fic to FFARG.