|
| "You'll be there" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG review ch 1
Reviewed By: Sihde (Sisi) On: September 29, 2005 14:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good morning and thank you for submitting to the FFRG. For your first paragraph you state that Heero Yuy respected nobody. Though this is not TRUE, you need to explain why perhaps he respected no one. I'll tell you that Heero had the utmost respect for many people. That said, you have a very flippant style of writing, as if there is no soul. You don't have any emotion in there. Most of the Gundam pilots have feelings and emotions. (EVEN Heero) What? Why does no one give a flying monkey that Heero is going to die? It's like someone let them in on the secret before Heero told them and they were already prepared for it. You could use more description in your story, where they are, the things going on around them. Show; do not tell. There's often two ways people write a story. They write as if they are actually writing it, or as if they are telling it. The first one is what you want to aspire to. If it's months after the funeralââ'¬Â¦ no one can send Heero and Relena backing time. And what in the name of sweet holy Joe? Where in the hell did Relena come from? What plot service did that pose? THINK things through before you write them. "God decided to send us back in time" is not a sufficient answer. Virtually anything is better than that. Getââ'¬Â¦ a beta reader.
| Title: FFRG Review--Chapter 1
Reviewed By: misslady [MediaMiner Member] On: September 28, 2005 22:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is a decent start to a story. It has the possibility to take many interesting twists. Definitely check for grammatical errors and keeping things in either past tense or present tense. I struggle sometimes with this myself. There are some good beta readers on the Beta Reader thread who are willing to help make things flow better. Please keep up the good work. Looking forward to reading more. Misslady
|
|
|
