|
| "Nemesis" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG Review-Chapter 1#1
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 27, 2005 22:22 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to FFRG. To begin, all punctuation should be immediately following the end of a sentence. There should be no space between the final letter and the period. You tend to overuse both the exclamation point and ellipses (...) Use both of these with caution. Think of them like pepper--a little can add to something, but a lot...can ruin it. If it is appearing more then a handful (like five) in a chapter, it makes the writing look a little lazy. You can use your paragraph formatting to add any other emphasis that you need.Lee chewed her lips. Perhaps she was seeing things. And then she saw it again...It was as if time froze...It was only her ...A bird emerged swooping down on her in a shower of red and gold and warmth...circling her with its fiery wings .........before disappearing around the corner... When using ellipses…use only three unless it is at the end of a sentence, you may use four if the last one is a period. If you were to use a mixture of internal thought and sentence structure in this previous paragraph, not only would it clean it up-it would give it more impact. Dropping most of the ellipses and making things that she would think-actually be thoughts. (eg. 'Maybe I am seeing things.')
| Title: FFRG Review-Chapter 1#2
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 27, 2005 22:22 CDT
Comment/Review:
I am a big believer in 'Show don't Tell'…and in your first paragraph you pretty much listed both of your characters physical attributes. Let your readers discover them from your writing, which is easiest to do by sprinkling them throughout the story by the OTHER character. Lee would be more likely to note that Yang has brown hair, but using the ribbon did work well to show that Lee had brown hair. Just be creative about it, a listing can be tedious to read. You have a nice start on this story and I am curious to see where you are taking it. I haven't read much Fushigi Yugi fan fiction, but I love the series so it was nice to see one submitted to FFRG.
|
|
|
