Reviewed By: Sexysaxist [MediaMiner Member] On: September 23, 2005 15:23 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story was really very cute and you got the frame work for something very good and funny. The first thing I would suggest though is to work on your visual structure. Break up your dialog line by line and put all those stupid spaces and modifiers on them. This helps the reader make more sence of who is saying what and gives you more room for description. Your story could stand to have some more description incorporated, such as yuya's illness, how Akira had been caring for her, something about the ice castle she was dreaming about, how he froze everyone and what poses they were in, something like that. you could up the humor factor a lot with just a few more descriptions. Also your spell checker is deceving you, so check everything, because it's "Lie" down not "lye" down.
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