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| "Tsukuyomi" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG Review Chapter One
Reviewed By: Wolf in the Night [MediaMiner Member] On: January 08, 2006 12:07 CST
Comment/Review:
The only problem I really have with this story is verb tense. In the same sentence, you will have a character act out an action in prerent-tense form and then do something in the past-tense form. This will lead to a lot of confusion with your readers so be careful about that. It occured quite frequently throughout the chapter. I like the dialouge between the characters. It wasn't bland and it gave them personality, but because of the aforementioned problem the flow of the story was disrupted and it jerked me out of the story. If you work on it, the flow can be smooth and this story will be much more enjoyable. Because of how you ended the chapter, a reader would likely go on to read more so that was a good thing. I see a lot of promise for this piece, so keep at it! Thank you for submitting your story to FFRG!
| Title: FFRG Review for Chapter 1
Reviewed By: NekoKamiFL [MediaMiner Member] On: January 08, 2006 11:04 CST
Comment/Review:
I was a bit confused by this first chapter. At times it was unclear who was talking and who they were talking to. Some sentences were run-ons, and after a while I lost track of what they originally started out as... Like this one, "She crosses her arms putting her clawed hands little and ring finger flexed middle and finger extended with the thumb separated in extended position palms facing her shoulders with the tip of her fingers at the level of her face as blue sparkles begin to shine from the tip of the index forming a circle that breaches in the barrier making a round entrance lined with blue light." About mid-sentence I became unsure as to what the statement was saying. Adding some commas or splitting the sentence into multiple sentences could clear up that problem. There were some spelling/grammatical errors and times when periods or semi-colons would have worked better than commas, but those could be fixed with a spell-checker or a beta, which you can find in the Beta/Pre-Readers forum. Also, I noticed that about halfway through the chapter, the tense switched from present to past. I did like the idea of Sesshomaru having an older sister, and I liked the exchange in the beginning between the mother and her children. It helped to establish Hahaue's character, and that's always a good thing. All in all, with a bit of revision and some attention to detail and structure, I think this could be a decent story. Thank you for submitting this to the FFRG!
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