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| "Battôsai's Sheath" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Yuugi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: December 07, 2005 15:29 CST
Comment/Review:
This is a very beautiful and well-written story. Your choice of words flow really well together. I also found the Japanese glossary at the end quite useful in understanding your usage of the language. You might want to fix some sentence transitions to have your story flow more smoothly. You also have one run-on sentence that needs a comma and a quick self-revision can remedy this very slight problem. You have a very graceful and fluid style of writing, making your story seem to read like poetry. I enjoyed reading this story very much. Please keep up the great work.
| Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: December 03, 2005 00:45 CST
Comment/Review:
I would have to agree with hostilecrayon that the Japanese does not help the piece. I have an extra bit to add with that, however. The character is Japanese, as such everything she thinks and says would be in Japanese. Since most of it is in English, it is as though the entire story was translated before being penned. This means you should not have any Japanese phrases in it unless they have absolutely no translation. This, however, is a hard thing for people to understand: most words and phrases have a translation because we use slang terms for the same purposes ("Dumbass" and "Baka," for example). You must be careful with foreign languages; most usages look purely as though you're showing off. The glossary barely helps because either the reader scrolls back and forth between the story and the definitions, or he reads it all, understands nothing of the foreign language, and then reads the translations. My advice would be to remove all the Japanese. That is the main downfall of this; the rest is pretty well-written and delves effectively into the mind and soul of the narrator.
| Title: FFRG Review
Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: November 28, 2005 00:14 CST
Comment/Review:
It's good that you put a japanese glossary at the end of your story, but I still feel that it detracts from the piece. Words can only be meaningful if you understand them, and without knowing their meanings until the end, you can't get as much out of them. You did a lot of repeating words and phrases, and while this is sometimes an effective tactic to both drive a point home and strengthen the meaning, I feel that your placement was a little off, and that there was far too much that you repeated. The story itself is still a powerful story, but I found that both the use of japanese and the repeatitive nature detracted from the overall emotional involvement. Keep writing and thank yu for submitting to the FFRG.
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