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| "Nation" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Lady Macbeth [MediaMiner Member] On: April 09, 2002 20:59 CDT
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This one isn't bad. It's descriptive, but even for a one-shot it seems short and a bit lacking in detail. It seems to have been intended as a kind of introspective piece, so it would have benefited from a bit more fleshing out in detail.
Also, there were a few minor errors in the structure:
A general stood tall, would sound better as "The general stood tall,".
Twenty-five hundred thousand. The city had had a population of twenty-five hundred thousand, give or take. "Twenty-five hundred thousand" is an improper number. "Two million, five hundred thousand" is the proper way to write it.
A sharp, barked order and an impatient warning was all he gave his men to be on alert and to get out of the way. Two list items before the verb, therefore "were all he gave" is the appropriate usage. Was is used in singular situations.
The muscles in his back rippled, his shoulders tensing and rolling in their sockets ... He turned his head to the side, glaring at the broken landscape. ... His heart skipped a beat, his pulse hitching a moment in his throat. There are several tense changes in this section. "ed" and "ing" endings as a general rule belong to two separate tense useages. Since most of your fic is written in past tense ("ed" ending) continue to use the "ed" ending. IE: tensed, rolled, glared, hitched.
But he stood, stood as highly as ever, The second "stood" is repetitive and detracts from the flow of speech. Delete it and the sentence is fine.
feet digging into the dirt. Another tense change. Try changing it to a semi colon preceding this segment, then "his feet dug into the dirt."
He had a sum of one hundred and thirty seven planets purged, conquered, destroyed. Use a conjunction in the list for better sentence flow. "purged, conquered and destroyed."
Each planet dealt with in record time. Sentence fragment. Use a helper verb "Each planet was dealt with.."
Over all, not bad. The aforementioned mistakes are fairly common and seem to be consistent in this piece. When you are working through, try to keep in mind the tense you are using. If you are using past tense "this happened before", then something cannot be "happening" right now. Also, I see more and more authors using sentence fragments to try to add emphasis to a point; however, it tends to detract from the writing by giving a feel of choppiness.
Adding detail and fleshing out this piece will make it seem more like a one-shot, and may give the end more finality. | Reviewed By: Alexander [MediaMiner Member] On: March 11, 2002 22:11 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Not bad, but I was left wondering what happened. ;.; | Reviewed By: Kahlan Nightwing [MediaMiner Member] On: February 21, 2002 22:49 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hmmm, very descriptive. It was too short (I know, it was a one-shot) and it left me wanting more, which should not be the intent when writing a one-shot.... Vegeta, right? I like. That is exactly what he would be like under Frieza's rule. He really didn't become introspective until Earth. It wasn't until he was first beaten by someone that he started to--question? doubt? With Vegeta, who knows. He's almost too complex to tag one emotion to. He has too many at the same time. Same with reasons and everything else. It's why i like him. Anyways. Since this is so good, I'm checking out your other stories (if you have any). If you don't write an epic! Judging from this little bit, if you write everything like this, you'll be great! Continue!! |
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