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| "Jasper County" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: bubbleduckie [MediaMiner Member] On: October 07, 2009 15:07 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
A sweet and great fic. I love the plot and it kept me interested all the way to the end. Hope to see more of your writing here!
| Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: June 17, 2006 13:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good beginning so far, but as I came across this sentence, "Little did anyone know, the clothes Shinji packed for him and Rei would come in handy for something unexpected." This kind of ruins the mood of the paragraph you had going. Keep the readers clueless, it'll surprise them even more. Unless you intended for them to antcipate what is going to happen--though, in my opinion, this techinque is poorly used. "you had from the bandages that I saw wrapped so heavily around you," "Heavily" might not be the best of words to use it, a better word might have been 'tightly' or other similar words like "wound up around you," and other similar phrases. If you were describing how he saw so many bandages covering her body, then use something like "covering so much of her body." The next phrase; "I felt so bad that something or someone may have hurt you." "may" should be excluded because something did happen to her. "I felt so bad that something or someone had hurt you," is more smoother and realistic. You also should check on your comma usage and lack thereof. Also, you made the wrong pronouns (him/her/it) so look for that and check the tenses as well. The lemon scene was done pretty well, if sped into it a bit too quickly but done well for a fanfic's one shot. This is only my opinion, but I don't think the song lyrics should have necessarily need to be there since it distracts the reader from the story. If you really wanted to say what song you were inspired to write the story, then mention it at the beginning of the story or the end and the readers can look it up if they wish. Other than that, it's a sweet story.
| Title: EVA-09
Reviewed By: EVA-09 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 21, 2006 07:09 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
A bit unrealistic event, but still, a great fanfi nonetheless, so keep up with Rei/Shinji fanfics. Also, check up my story Rei's thoughs.
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