| Title: FFARG|
Reviewed By: Shinashi [MediaMiner Member] On: July 24, 2006 17:01 CDT
First, you absolutely NEED more descriptions in your stories; I checked some of your other stories you have written, and they all have the same simple one-liners alternating with feeble paragraphs. Describe the woman more, or Priss, or how she was thinking, and an in-depth tune-in with her emotions, describe the club, anything. There was the repeated mistake in the middle of your dialogue that consisted, basically, of this. "Hello." Priss said- There should be, every time, a comma between a dialogue phrase, and, if present, it's sentence of the giver of the dialogue phrase. You only put a period if it is all alone, the giver of the phrase is not mentioned, or if the next sentence pertains to the next part of the dialogue. I mean like: "Hello." Then Priss sighed, "What are you doing here?" Though it is not an enjoyable factor, the simpleness actually added to the one-shot's charm- and maybe that is a trademark of yours? If it is, I suggest you make your one-liners containing more frequent, vibrant adjectives and your verbs to be more varying, etc. Hope you submit more to FFARG!