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| "An Angel's Remains" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ] | Title: Noooo!
Reviewed By: kashumaru [MediaMiner Member] On: December 19, 2009 18:41 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Man that was a ending that left room for possabilities XD I hope you update this chapter soon, it left soooo much out. I love your origianl stories, they are extrememly good and they hold my interest to the end. Excellent job and I hope to see more
| Title: new chapter?
Reviewed By: kashumaru [MediaMiner Member] On: September 08, 2007 15:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
*tilts head to the side* eh? no new chapter yet? *pokes screan and frowns* awwwww. Please add another chapter sooooooon. I really wish to read more ^ . ^ thankies and keep up the hard work ^ ^
| Title: Yes! *jumps in the air*
Reviewed By: kashumaru [MediaMiner Member] On: May 25, 2007 17:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
That was so great! I absolutely enjoy reading your story so keep up the hard work and the updates k? ^ ~
| Title: This is great!
Reviewed By: kashumaru [MediaMiner Member] On: March 26, 2007 18:23 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I enojoy your original story so far! The way Myara started seeing dreams and putting them on paper only to figure out that it could be a past life or someone else's memory is great and I highly enjoy how she and Sabin act around eachother. I hope you update again soon and once again I want to tell you that your story is really good ^ ^
| Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2007 08:02 CST
Comment/Review:
Sorry to bother you again - I gave you a wrong e-mail address. It's JeruZalem99@gmx.net
| Title: Chapter 6
Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2007 07:23 CST
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Ok, now you've done it. I'm thoroughly caught by your story, hook, line and sinker. Even though I'm normally not a big fan of romance, something about the way you portray the relationship between Sabin and Myara is just... captivating. I can't really explain it. It's great though. Really great. You've cleared up some misconceptions I had after the 1st chapter, like Myara's age, and that it's more like College, not high school. School grounds also seem to be quite big so that Myara can just walk away from all buildings to find a corner where she can practice combining her fighting with her celestial powers. However, although you apparently have a clear picture of what everything looks like, you sometimes fail to transmit that image to your reader at the appropriate place. For example that class on celestial invocations. The first time Myara visits it, she goes to the teacher to introduce herself. The teacher assigns her a desk, and she sits down. Then, suddenly, you are talking about Mr. Karith, their instructor. It is clear that he is that very same teacher, but he hasn't introduced himself to Myara, nor has he been introduced by anybody else. By doing that, the reader gets the impression that the teacher already _has_ been introduced in the story, and since that's not the case (or at least it was so fleeting that it didn't want to stick in my mind) it's a little bit confusing. Also, after Myara told him about her dreams as Sabriel, Mr. Karith goes to the celestial world to look up Sabriel. You only refer to him by his first name, which you haven't mentioned before. Only after a few paragraphs does it become clear that you're talking about the Invocations teacher. Other times, you just jump important places onto the reader without giving a closer description for them, like the Ivory Hall. The first time you mention it, Myara already knows that it is off-limit for students, and that there's got to be some secret behind those doors. Things like that, especially as important as that one must seem to new students, make a better impression on the reader when you introduce them gradually. For example, you could have a couple of first year students talking about it in hushed voices, or a teacher telling Myara and her friends (she does have first year friends, doesn't she? You never mention her interacting with any of them except for a few subordinate clauses about Jenny) that they shouldn't come too close to certain hallways. But enough of that. You have a great story there, and I'd love to see you continue your narration. If you like, I could try and help you as a beta reader (JeruZalem@gmx.net). I hope you don't feel disencouraged by all my questions - that was not my intention at all. I only ask so many question when I'm really caught up in a story line and want to know more about the world you are creating. That is one of my pet-peeves - the stories I like best have to have extensive worlds that the reader slowly gets to discover. You're doing an admirable job, especially considering that you have no fandom you can lean on. That is why I don't like most original stories - few have a good enough imagination that they can build something so grand from scratch. Thanks for letting me share your vision! ~Sakiku~
| Title: Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2007 05:05 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Hmmm... Usually, I don't read Original stories, but I happened upon yours by chance. I thought I'd read the first chapter in order to find something to justify not reading any further chapters. However, you surprised me very much. Your writing style is very fluent, spelling and grammar excellent (there are one or two words where I was not completely sure they were correct, but since I am no native speaker that might not mean anything). It is very enjoyable to see how Myara attracts attention from several people at that school, and it seems like some kind of conspiracy is behind all that (I'm writing this review after Ch. 1 because there are several things I'd like to tell you before I forget them). I like it very much how Myara doesn't think too much of her dreams, and how you don't narrate long, arduous dream sequences (that enforces the belief that her dreams are just superficial). However, there are also a few things that you could improve. Since this is an original story, your reader doesn't know _anything_. You didn't give any warnings, so I don't suppose your story is a continuation of one of your earlier works. That means that it would be wonderful if you could explain the setting a bit more clearly. You are talking about a Temple of Skye, which sounds like something straight out of a fantasy novel. But everything seems to be situated in our world - or at least a world close enough to ours - so I suppose you're talking about some Japanese religion (which would also explain that the priests know kendo). Are they some kind of warrior priests that they educate a little girl at kendo and martial arts? Then, there is Myara's first day at the new school. You mentioned her roommate Jenny in a way that suggests that Myara and Jenny have known each other for a long time (anybody else would be quite a bit more curious about Jenny's looks, her habits, her hobbies, etc.). But you never said anything about them knowing each other beforehand, and if they were friends, Myara surely would talk to her more often, especially because both of them are new to the school. And, speaking of school, that is one more place I'd like to 'see' better. Where is it situated? The garden hints at a place where it snows in the winter, but that's still not very exact. Is it in the mountains? Is it in Japan (I don't think so because of all the American names of students and teachers)? Where is it in relation to the Temple of Skye? Same town, same country, same continent? What does the school building look like? A modern building with a glass facade and metallic arches? A stout concrete glob with a flat roof and horribly yellow walls? A victorian mansion with several stories and creaking, wooden floors? Are the dormitories directly inside the school building or do the pupils have to walk over the grounds (that could be a chance to describe both the vegetation and what the buildings look like)? How many pupils attend this school? 250? 1000? 2500? I suppose that it's something like High School because Myara sounds pretty mature (how old is she, anyways?) and the - Headmaster? the one in the last paragraph - talks about 2nd to 4th years. What are the classes? I suppose English (or whatever language the have), Math, and History are mandatory, but Art definitely is not one of those core subjects. Does Myara have any other such 'exotic' surprises? What does Jenny take (if she is Myara's best friend)? What are their teachers? You don't have to mention everybody, but the scene where the Art teacher comes into the staff room, he sees many people, and it would be great if you could mention what they are teaching (you only did that with the gymnastics teacher), even if Myara is not in their classes. And, last but not least, what position does the man in the last paragraph have? I understand that he's the one all teachers report to, but is he the headmaster? Well, my characters are running out. I'll read the rest, and then I'll leave another review. ~Sakiku~
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