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| "Hallow Sins" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: FirstAgent [MediaMiner Member] On: October 23, 2007 19:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
Copied from the "Pic-a-fic" forum thread I don't have a problem with starting out in the middle of things, but if you're going to do that- get our attention right away with some action that both establishes your world and introduces your characters. The second half of the first chapter was far more useful in this regard than the first. If you are indeed going for an RPG-style world, emphasis needs to be placed on moments that demonstrate this- Key "recording" the day, the healing spell on Brail, random dungeon crawling, etc. Stuff like this needs to be out in the open so readers catch on in a hurry and can follow along as we delve into the fine print. There are also quite a few mechanical issues, particularly with punctuation, that really could use some maintenance. You've got a definite framework in place. It's a matter of presentation that seems to hold it back.
| Reviewed By: n00b On: October 14, 2007 21:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
good fic! want moar!!!!!!!! write write write!!!!
| Reviewed By: Relaxing Pikachu [MediaMiner Member] On: October 13, 2007 13:20 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I haven't gotten to chapter 3 yet, since I have to stop here, but you're on a decent track, but there are grammar errors in here. I like the characters so far, especially Mizu. My type of character. lol I also enjoyed your somewhat unique way of starting the story. We got thrown right into it, and due to that, of course you keep the reader going to figure out why the events are happening (or were happening). One other thing I'd work (just as I do), are your tenses. You seemed to jump back and forth quite a bit. Like for the previous chapter, maybe using just past-tense would've worked since that was, technically, a "flash back"...well, I'd consider it as such.
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