| Reviewed By: plutosenshi2000 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 26, 2002 23:20 CST|
Your story has a potential, but you should work on your grammar a little. You seem to confuse words a lot, i.e. you wrote, “Tifa was starting”, and from the context I assume it should be “Tifa was staring”. You tend to use “their” instead of “there”, and the other way around.
Another thing, you seem to combine a lot of small sentences into one huge one. And in the process you loose some of the meaning of what you are trying to say, i.e.:
“It was in taking her that Garrod got mixed up in all this, originally sent to take
her from the Freeden he realized he was hired by someone that Tifa didn't want
to go with. Someone apparently from her past, he made a snap decision to get
her away from them but eventually ended up back with the Freeden after seeing
that it's captain was trying to help her.” (chapter 4)
I would say: “That’s when Garrod got mixed up in all this. He was hired to bring Tifa back, but after meeting the girl he realized that he was lied to about the Company’s true intentions. Instead of returning the girl he ran away with her. Eventually Garrod ended up back where he took Tifa from, namely on Freeden. They decided to stay after they found out that the captain’s true goal was to protect her.”
Also your story could benefit from more dialog. Your descriptions are good, and they help set the background for the story, but they cannot replace the interaction between the characters. Also the dialogs that you did put in are a little difficult to read. You should make them stand out more. Start each person’s dialog from a new line.
Your chapter 3 could be laid out differently. Instead of throwing in “Flash back” and “End flash back”, you should start about Tifa walking up to the enemy gundams and being taken away, about getting Wits and his gundam back to the ship. Then you could tell how he woke up in the hospital with bandages all over him and Garoad in the next bed. It makes it less chaotic.
Or, if you really want to do the “flash back” thing, why don’t you try some thing like that: after he wakes up At first he couldn’t remember what happen, but then he remembers. And now would come the description of Tifa surrendering to the enemy.
Other than that, your fanfic is not bad, even though it resembles the story behind Carris from one of the episodes. You seem to be quite familiar with the characters, although there is one fact that seems wrong. If I remember correctly Jamil lost his abilities as a newtype during or shortly after the war. That’s why he wasn’t considered a newtype.
I hope you keep writing and improving your skills.