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| "Element Force" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ] | Title: Detailed
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: May 25, 2004 06:12 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Aside from a few minor grammar errors (you may also want to fix your summary because I think there was a spelling error in there), this was an amazing read. Reading it made me think you put a lot of serious thought into creating this fantasy world since everything seems to make so much sense. The blurry switch over from the battle to Myria was a bit befuddling though. Maybe a page break would make it clearer.
| Reviewed By: IceAngel On: January 05, 2003 21:59 CST
Comment/Review:
thanks for yer opinion, but I'd like to explain a few things
Thanks for the title change, I've never been good at that, but I'm just gonna cut it
The concept of Good and Evil as elements is part of my story, as Elements it really means the forces that the elementalist's can use
I tried to be wordy because it is apparently written as though recorded in a half-assed old english style, the rest of it is not so much, but that's good advice, I'll remember it
this is really not a central part to the story but it really just gives the reader a quick intro to my world, and several characters from later on, and why they are fighting is pointless, the concepts of good and evil are just opposite sides of looking at something, more or less, the 'evil' is being 'evil' adn creating general chaos, as the worst thought of evil would be to do, in my head I guess
that's all I can get now, I'm so tired, and a lot of it is not arguable(?) thanks for your opinion, I'm greatly obliged and I'll take as much of your advice as I can. | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: January 05, 2003 02:09 CST
Comment/Review:
Hi, my name's Troy. These are my comments. Please note they are my opinion, so take what you like, and ignored the rest.
>A win, but a greater loss still
A win, but a greater loss still -> Victory, yet a Great Loss
Important words in titles need to be capitalised; it looks tacky, otherwise.
Also, 'A win' really doesn't sound dramatic enough, which is why I suggest the change to 'Victory'.
Finally, I'd cut 'Still', as it's redundnant.
>Prologue: A win, but a greater loss still.
>In the year of Elementai, 465, the greatest war between the twin elements, good and evil was reigned. Though the darkness had infinite minions, the two greatest elementalists of all time were held by good. This is the final stroke of the battle of Tor Garad; The lost plains. It is between Evil's most powerful demons, O'GrAch, of the Death and Mk's of the Poison, and the two elementalists of Good, Drakhoro, Master Ice Elementalist and Pyros, Master Fire Elementalist.
>In the year of Elementai, 465,
It's never a good sign if the story starts off so. It harkens to 'Once upon a time' or 'It was a dark and stormy night', which isn't good.
If you want the reader to know the date of your world (it's not actually all that important), I suggest just writing it down before the story begins -'The 465th year of the Elementai calendar'- and then starting your story in a new paragraph.
>In the year of Elementai, 465, the greatest war between the twin elements, good and evil was reigned.
'twin elements'? 'Twin' suggests they're alike, which they aren't. 'opposing' would work worlds better. Also, good and evil aren't simple 'elements'. They're entire 'natures'.
good and evil was reigned. -> good and evil, was reigned.
'reigned'? Change it to 'fought'.
I'm getting the impression you're trying to hard to be wordy, to fill the story with as many words as possible. Such really makes reading cumbersome. I once got the advice, treat your words as though each one is worth a quarter; you don't want to spend too much, else you'll overspend, inflating your story. Also, I got the information, never use the impressive word, use the simple word instead.
>Though the darkness had infinite minions, the two greatest elementalists of all time were held by good. This is the final stroke of the battle of Tor Garad; The lost plains. It is between Evil's most powerful demons, O'GrAch, of the Death and Mk's of the Poison, and the two elementalists of Good, Drakhoro, Master Ice Elementalist and Pyros, Master Fire Elementalist.
Cut this out. It's not needed.
The greatest mistake every writer makes in their life is 'tell' the reader the story. You need to instead 'show' the reader the story.
The following are questions that have occured to me; as the writer, before releasing your story, you should have already answered them:
What's happened to start a war between good and evil? Why did it happen, whatever it was that started the war? Who's involved in the story? Why are they involved? Why is there a war in the first place? Who decides what's good and evil? Why do they decide that one thing is good, while another thing isn't good? Or bad? Do those who are evil percieve themselves to be evil? If yes, why? If no, then why do those who percieve themselves to be good, while percieving others to be evil?
It's hard to write myth, because life isn't really at all like it. Nothing ever truly has a fine line to seperate what's good and evil.
>Drakhoro grunted and swore in the melodic tongue of Elementai, as the demon Mk's struck him again with its poisoned broadsword, but once more his armor held and it did not enter his bloodstream. His own powers at their very limits, he knew that the demons had nearly won, but still he struck again with the Mastoro Elementai, the double sword, and the demon made a hasty retreat. On another hill not twenty feet from them, their opposites fought. Pyros waving his flaming blade just before the eyes of O'GrAch and then jumping back with lightning speed before the demon's scythe could hit him. The metallic dragon wings of Drakhoro blinked in the light, and his light blue pants and shirt were all that gave away his place as he invoked a lightning spell of speed. His ice blue eyes flashed dangerously and his dark brown hair stood up, forced away as his power showed through once more. He thrust his hands out in front of him and shouted
'Aireu Shaedr!' The sacred words necessary for the ice beam spell, the ring formed around his wrists and blasted to freeze the demon solid, but it broke free immediately, suddenly, Pyros was finally struck by the scythe and he fell, to be rushed away on flames by his Goddess.
You've broken the paragraph into two! ^_^;
Try to fix little mistakes like this yourself before releasing your story to the general public.
Anyway, this paragraph also has a good example of sudden, incorrect perspective shift.
It starts with Drakhoro's perspective, and ends with Pyros' perspective. That's a big no-no.
Paragraphs must be devoted to only one perspective.
Thus, the paragraph must be split into two seperate paragraphs:
>Drakhoro grunted and swore in the melodic tongue of Elementai, as the demon Mk's struck him again with its poisoned broadsword, but once more his armor held and it did not enter his bloodstream. His own powers at their very limits, he knew that the demons had nearly won, but still he struck again with the Mastoro Elementai, the double sword, and the demon made a hasty retreat.
>On another hill not twenty feet from them, their opposites fought. Pyros waving his flaming blade just before the eyes of O'GrAch and then jumping back with lightning speed before the demon's scythe could hit him. The metallic dragon wings of Drakhoro blinked in the light, and his light blue pants and shirt were all that gave away his place as he invoked a lightning spell of speed. His ice blue eyes flashed dangerously and his dark brown hair stood up, forced away as his power showed through once more. He thrust his hands out in front of him and shouted 'Aireu Shaedr!' The sacred words necessary for the ice beam spell, the ring formed around his wrists and blasted to freeze the demon solid, but it broke free immediately, suddenly, Pyros was finally struck by the scythe and he fell, to be rushed away on flames by his Goddess.
What's been written, really needs to be read out loud, and then revised. I can't understand what you're trying to say. Too often, you mix up the perspective. I can't tell what's exactly happening.
>Drakhoro grunted and swore in the melodic tongue of Elementai, as the demon Mk's struck him again with its poisoned broadsword, but once more his armor held and it did not enter his bloodstream.
If Drakhoro has sworn in the melodic tongue of Elementai, then _show_ him swearing in Elementai. Don't tell.
Also, we haven't yet been shown Mk's hitting Drakhoro with his poisoned broadsword, so saying 'Mk's struck him again with its poisoned broadsword' is rather premature. I suggest cutting out 'again'.
>but once more his armor held and it did not enter his bloodstream.
What didn't enter his bloodstream? His armour?
It's unfortunately by far too difficult and bulky a work to c&c effectively. The whole story feels too rushed to read.
I got the advice when I first started writing, to write short stories before trying my hand at epic sized fics. Today, I feel such was valuable and important.
You'd do well to do so too.
Anyway, my final thoughts are you should write short stories, to find your voice, and develop your style, while chopping away your weaknesses. Concentrate first on writing just one perspective, one character, and then as your skill progresses, write more than one character.
Your strengths: lack of spelling mistakes, a big imagination
Your weaknesses: lack of direction, rushed delivery, dizzying perspective changes
Anyway, the best way to improve your writing, is to write often. Writing the big stories is difficult for people new to writing. Very few people, if ever, have ever successfully written a novel on their first try.
Anyway, write! And write often! Just don't be too ambitious with your first project. Start small.
Troy Thomas | Reviewed By: Bail On: December 03, 2002 19:14 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Awesome absolutly awesome! it's amazingly descriptive. it reminds me of comics books but a lot more visual. great i can't wait to read more!! :) | Reviewed By: Steven On: December 02, 2002 18:44 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hey! It's Kaitlyn.
The story was really good, but now I can't get to the other chapters! Maybe it's just me being stupid, but I can't get to them anymore!
The story line was really creative, I know I could never come up with anything like that, and the discriptions of the characters are great.
Keep up the awesome work! *thumbs up*
Kaitlyn (a.k.a. Steven) | Reviewed By: lady_sodina [MediaMiner Member] On: November 30, 2002 20:07 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Kick ass story! Finally finished it! lol...Really really good story tho!! It needs a freakin squel however... that or start another chapter, up to you. I LOVE TRAKE!! Lmao... no seriously, he's the coolest character in the whole thing... I swear he is... lmao. Trake is the best... then Michelle cuz she can use fire... the RJ cuz his eyes sound cool, then Jelique cuz she's so cute when attached to Trake, then Pongo, and then Ariana... I dunt like her much... lmao!! But ya!! I bumped up a couple of scores (since it got so much more fun when trake entered story! Lol) but it REALLY needs a sequel or another chapter or SOMETHING!!! Cuz it just leaves you hanging!! It's got basically the same ending as this one anime movie i've seen, Gestalt. but the sad thing is they don't even CONTINUE that movie... it just stops midway in the adventure... SO stupid... meh... oh well... well, i really hope you decide to continue writing this! Good luck!!
~Lady Sodina Star | Reviewed By: lady_sodina [MediaMiner Member] On: November 27, 2002 18:11 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Pretty damn good if ya ask me!! However, im only at chapter three and I can already GUESS what the role of RJ and Michelle are. I think that RJs blue eyes and Michelle's red hair give it all away. Lol! Still good though... I so far like Michelle's attitude, however, where IS she when RJ's doing the mining? Oh well... maybe I'll find out in Chapter 3... i AM planning on reading this whole thing, no worries there!! But keep up the great writing!!
~Lady Sodina Star
(Aka walrus) |
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