|
| "Crystal Trials" Reviews/Comments [ 12 ] | Reviewed By: Destiny [MediaMiner Member] On: January 22, 2005 17:14 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Look I'm not gonna sugarcoat one thing...it was absolutely brilliant. I loved your verb usage, and it took some true skills to write that well. You have such a beautiful and dramatic writing style that I hardly noticed the length at all, when I started it was only 6pm and when I finished it was midnight. Get back into it girl, you've got nothing but support from me, any criticism I had has already been noted by Troy. Great going!
| Reviewed By: Randa-Chan [MediaMiner Member] On: May 06, 2003 08:40 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well, what a great story though I am slightly disappointed that Hotaru was lost. Never mind, it's good to see a story where the ending doesn't quite turn out right. I think it would be a brilliant idea if you wrote a sequal where perhaps a new battle began and Hotaru was eventually saved or fought free to become her own person once again. I like the way you write. Unlike most people, I love hearing discriptive stories. It gives more meaning to it all and sounds more alive to me. Your spelling was a little off but that's O.K. So long as you don't sound like a two year old! I think it's also a good idea to put notes at the start of the story. There just to give a little backgroung information right? They also help answer questions that people may have so it saves you having to explain it several hundred times to other people. I've read Troy's review and would have to say I disagree when it comes to most of what he's saying. Just because you write notes doesn't mean your fic's unpopular at all. It's probably just what he thinks. I also disaggree strongly about apologising. So what! You can do what you want. It's your story and it's good to sound like you're trying to make the story just right for everyone. Anyway, keep writing and I look forward to hearing more of your stories in future. See ya!
Love Randa-Chan*
This part is for Troy.
Sorry but I didn't mean any offence. I just have different views compared to you. Keep saying what you think. It's a good way to let people know how you feel and there's nothing in the least bit wrong with it. Just remember that there'll always be people who disagree with you!
Randa* | Reviewed By: Comet Moon [MediaMiner Member] On: February 16, 2003 07:23 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
That last one was from my sister. Used my name too the twit. She's a huge Saturn fan. Your story was great actually, though i sometimes got a little lost. But i like the way to create the scenes, giving them life. Though, like my sister i do like happy endings, and felt sorry for Hotaru. She had been used in the Silver Millennium, it's always sad to me that she when she doesn't get a happy future.
Oh, and please take the twit's comments down for me. I'll yell at her later
Ja ne
Comet Moon | Reviewed By: Comet Moon [MediaMiner Member] On: February 16, 2003 07:17 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 5 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
The ending sucked. No redemption. It seemed to me your character was the one that failed the test. With her need to control all. but then many make their character the one that can't be wrong, don't they. | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: September 23, 2002 13:06 CDT
Comment/Review:
Troy Thomas here, and it's good to be back! :]
All my comments are my opinion, so please take no offense at anything I may say (please take only what you like).
***
Before I begin, let me tell you I really enjoy your writing; it's strength and creativity are fanfastic!
I also like the battle between Hotaru and the Bad Voice; I feel such pity for Hotaru, as it reminds me of Aila's battle against her memories, in Frank Herbert's Children of Dune...
I especially enjoyed the last part, where you begin to reveal why the three outers were tested.
>"Is it good energy or bad?" Makoto asked. Makoto was in her last year at a famous culinary school, and wanted her own restaurant. She treated the girls like family, because her own mother and father died when she was young. Makoto, with her tall build and fierce temper, sometimes comes off as being unapproachable despite her pretty green eyes and brown hair always tied back into a ponytail. Her strength is an asset, however, making the soldier of lightning, Sailorjupiter, a formidable opponent.
Halfway through the paragraph, you suddenly switched from the past-tense to the present-tense:
>She ->treatedcomes"Minako, your hair's getting in my face!" Hino Rei said irritably, brushing her hands across her face. A Shinto priestess in training, Rei helps her grandfather maintain Hikawa Shrine. She graduated from an all-girls school four years ago, and has dedicated her life to the temple she was raised at despite her dreams of becoming a musician. With raven black hair and blue-violet eyes, one hardly ever sees her firey temper coming until its too late. Aside from all of this, she has also managed to identity as the soldier of flame, Sailormars.
The same verb disagreement occurs:
>"Minako, your hair's getting in my face!" Hino Rei said irritably, brushing her hands across her face. A Shinto priestess in training, Rei helps her grandfather maintain Hikawa Shrine. She graduated from an all-girls school four years ago, and has dedicated her life to the temple she was raised at despite her dreams of becoming a musician. With raven black hair and blue-violet eyes, one hardly ever sees her firey temper coming until its too late. Aside from all of this, she has also managed to identity as the soldier of flame, Sailormars.helped
has dedicated->dedicated
ever sees->ever saw
>Aside from all of this, she has also managed to identity as the soldier of flame, Sailormars.
Are you trying to say, 'Aside from all of this, she had also managed to keep hidden her identity...'?
I also have to chide you a little for 'telling' the reader about Rei and Makoto. The way I read those paragraphs was as notes, as a distraction from the actual story.
>Time passed. Summer hit Tokyo hard that year, bringing record high temperatures and no sign of relief in the future. Setsuna regarded this summer uneasily, wondering time after time if the unnatural temperatures were foreshadowing a more disasterous calamity. But then again, she had been looking at every unusual event from every possible angle, trying to determine if it somehow had something to do with the end of it all. She came to no conclusions. The end would come when the time was right, and when it did, it would surprise them all.
Perhaps I'm too cynical; I really like the last line, as I smiled very bitterly after reading it.
Anyway, the story itself is now absolutely incredible (before Chapter Four, it was simply good). :]
I shall try to get to Chapter Five in the near future. | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: May 14, 2002 14:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hi, it's been some time,
Anyway, after finishing Chapter Four, I felt as though the story was actually just beginning, as though the first four chapters are really prologues and innappropiately labeled.
Everything else is fine, spelling, setting, characterisation... As it is, the story is better now than before, and it was good before.
Of course, I will always disagree with how you spell the names Sailoruranus and ex cetera, but that I can ignore.
Troy Thomas | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: March 19, 2002 17:04 CST
Comment/Review:
Hello, here, finally, are my comments. Please remember, all I say is strictly my opinion. Take what you like. Ignore the rest.
***
>then retired to their equally-spacious bedroom.
>
equally spacious
>Calmness had replaced the anger at herself, had faded into memory.
>
From how I read this, it sounds like the calmness has faded into memory. However, I think you're trying to say the anger faded into memory. I suggest changing the 'had' to 'which'. Also, suggest cutting the sentence down to
* Calmness replaced the anger, which faded into memory. *
>The shower stopped then,
>
The shower then stopped,
>"Its Michiru. I....I need to talk."
>
"Its Michiru. I.... I need to talk."
This is the standard for all elipses.
>Sailorneptune
>
Sailor Neptune
Again, it's a standard that I've seen.
>sparing the small crowed
crowd
>Another fifteen minutes later, Haruka drew close to the end of the race. Two cars were before her, both within sight and could be easily overtaken. Her drive to win overpowered her caution. Heedless of the wet pavement, Haruka accelerated, intent on overtaking the two..... (..two more laps...I'm nearly there..) Haruka crept up behind the closer car, added a bit more gas and easily passed it. (..only one more car...you can do it, Haruka..) As before, she crept up behind the lead car. Then, on the final curve, she swung outward and inched past the car. (..yes! I'm doing it!..) She prepared to cut in front of the lead car. Suddenly, a chill feeling crept over her. Without fully realizing what she was doing, her hand left the wheel and grasped her henshin wand, the words to her henshin phrase on her lips. A jolt cut through the feeling. Her rear end had been clipped by the car she had been passing. Suddenly realizing what was happening, Haruka desperately tried to regain control, but it was too late. Her car was sent spinning out before the oncoming cars....
I like. ^_^
Troy Thomas | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: January 18, 2002 18:06 CST
Comment/Review:
Hi,
It's me, Troy. ^_^
Comments and criticisms (probably few) are in my opinion. Please take what you like, and ignore the rest.
***
>Here's the second in this set, and the third is over a third of the way written. I'm not entirely sure I like how this one turned out, mainly because I'm not exactly used to writing in Hotaru's personality, so it turned out a bit..screwed up IMHO. I added links to picture collages throughout this story to give readers a better idea of what I'm talking about. Haruka fans stay tuned, for though she doesn't play a role in this one, she's the star of the next one, which is turning out WONDERFULLY. As before, keep in mind that, in Japan, last names are first, so Tsukino Usagi would be Usagi Tsukino here in America:
>
Again, I believe these style of notes should be cast aside.
Concentrate only on the story. Worry not what people will think, because opinions are too easily given.
Apologies only serve to chase away potential readers. Skip right to the story.
>She passed from her bedroom into her personal bathroom, reaching out for the switch on the wall and switching it on. Three lamps placed in varying places on the walls cast a soft glow over the whole of the clean bathroom
A bit much with the last part in the first sentance. I already assume she'll switch it on after it's described that she reached out to it.
>made her wide violet eyes look sunken. Overall, she looked a wreck.
Repitition: look
>Sailormoon
>
Sailor Moon, if you're aiming for a basic comformity with the majority of Sailor Moon fics.
>She hoped there would be no more nightmares that night.
>
She hoped there would be no more nightmares.
A friend of mine, Allyn Yonge, oftens tells me to treat every word as worth $0.25. It's a good exercise to re-peruse your work and cut out any extraneous words, which slow the reading down.
Of course, I'm finding little to complain about with the speed of reading, but it's something to keep in mind anyway. ^_^
>old-fashioned
>
old fashioned
>"Saturn Planet Power.....MAKE UP!" Hotaru shouted, throwing a clenched hand into the air. Utter silence descended over her as unimaginable power washed over her. Sweet, inviting power, yet the taint of what it was capable of twisted her stomach and made her skin crawl as if she had touched something unpleasant. Her Silence Glaive appeared before her, and she reached out and grabbed it with one hand.
From this paragraph, I am reminded of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series.
Good job. ^_^
>taru ahd told her what she had been preparing herself to hear
>
had
Anyway, I liked the flow.
I'll get to the next chapter, hopefully sometime next week.
Troy Thomas, Storious Reviewus ^_^ | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: January 17, 2002 17:41 CST
Comment/Review:
Hi,
I'm Troy, but you already knew this. ^_^
These are my comments, perhaps opinionated, perhaps helpful. In the wise words of Yonge, take what you like, and ignore the rest.
>This is the first in a set I plan to write involving the popular anime Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon (don't let Sailor Moon aired on Cartoon Network currently fool you; the japanese version is aimed at a higher age audience). This is also my first stab at a fanfic period, and as I have only seen the three movies and a small portion of the SS series in japanese subtitled, I will be the first to admit that there will probably be instances where I might mess up a personality or two. I apologize. Having said that, if you are still with me, this was mainly aimed at fans of the series, but if you're being persistent, here's a short rundown of all the major characters mentioned in this story and the roles they play (keep in mind that, in Japan, last names are first, so Tsukino Usagi would be Usagi Tsukino here in America):
>Tsukino Usagi - Sailormoon
>Mizuno Ami - Sailormercury (mentioned, but does not play a role)
>Meioh Setsuna - Sailorpluto
>Kaioh Michiru - Sailorneptune
>Tenoh Haruka - Sailoruranus
>Tomoe Hotaru - Sailorsaturn
>Also, the word senshi is the equivelant of soldier in english (if you have seen the dub, think scout *shudder*).
>
I honestly think these notes should be cut entirely, or placed at the end of the fic, if you must have it.
It's distracting, and I'm never interested in reading notes before the story. In fact, most would agree stories with notes at the beginning are the fics most often ignored.
>I will be the first to admit that there will probably be instances where I might mess up a personality or two. I apologize.
>
Never, ever apologise. This weakens your position, and may in fact, may cause readers to not take you seriously.
Also, the notes qualify as an apology, so I sinceely say cut it all, and be all about the fic.
>She reveled in swimming
>
Isn't reveled spelled with an extra l?
>Sailorneptune
>
Neptune is a name, so it needs capitalisation. I also think the two words are seperate: Sailor Neptune
A note, a nitpick,
I notice all the paragraphs are the same basic length. This becomes monotonous, so I suggest breaking apart some to give some variety to reading.
>"Ami-chan sent us a letter, its on the table!"
>
Another personal nitpick. Avoid using Japanese words and titles: -sensei, -chan, -san, -kun
>She couldn't keep a hint of contempt out o fher voice no matter how hard she tried.
>
out of her
>"Chaos and Galaxia are gone, Haruka. Who has done this to you?" She asked, nearly choking on her words.
>
she asked,
Anyway, like the character in the story, Michiru, I dislike riddles. It's fun to discover to discover the meanings, and even better when I surmise correctly. However, it's agonising when I don't.
I liked the story.
Unlike Umi-chan, I did understand well enough what you were saying.
Hopefully, in less time than what's taken me to get to this chapter from the request in the forum thread, I can get to the next chapter. ^_^;
Troy Thomas, c&c vagabond | Reviewed By: D-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: December 19, 2001 13:09 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
::sighs:: This is so well written. Everything flows so nicely, it's like poetry. I think the way you write really compliments "Sailor Moon" - which can be a very dramatic series at times.
I will admit though, like Umi, I got a bit caught up in the descriptions, but then again, I don't consider that a bad thing!
Great fic from what I've read!
~D-chan
Email: AlloraColleen@aol.com | Reviewed By: Umi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: November 22, 2001 23:07 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I must say you write well. Maybe a little too well. Your writing is chock full of lots of stuff I don't see much in fics: symbolism, internal forces, etc, etc. But maybe too chock full. It's extremely wordy and a tad overdone. I must say I liked the idea of focusing on the outer scouts (hehe...sorry - senshi) instead of Usagi and the overdone others. This may be lost on someone not Sailormoon inclined, but I have to comment since I said I would at the boards. Your writing is so good I'm afraid I get lost in the words and don't pay attention to the plot. I'm conflicted about giving this a 9 as enjoyment is my number one priority with a fic. But writing style deserves higher. I hope this helped in some way...
~Umi-chan
Your J-POP friend | Reviewed By: Scott On: November 06, 2001 20:03 CST
Comment/Review:
I just had to come here, lol. And yes i love your fanfic no matter how much you want me to talk badly about it, hehe |
|
|
