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| "Alkaline Cross" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: lostndriftin On: June 07, 2004 17:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
that's what i like to see, long live alkaline trio!
| Reviewed By: Zefyr [MediaMiner Member] On: June 21, 2003 20:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
I'll skip right to this part, and it's purely a stylistic element. It's the use of question marks and exclamation marks - you're doubling, tripling, quadrupling the marks. Honestly, you really only need one question mark, and use italics for the specifically emphasized words, instead. While the rest of your story flows nicely, and you've got an ear for the way different characters speak, the various marks thrown in (especially during dialogue) acts as an interruption.
When you see yourself using multiples like that - or alternately, using more than exclamation point repeatedly as a sentence ender - then it means you need to work on your word choice or find a different way to make it clear a character is emphatic. Perhaps mention the character's voice goes up at the end of the sentence, or have the character pound on something, hop up and down, or point a finger at whomever he's speaking to.
The problem with MM.org's system, however, is that now that I'm reviewing, it's a hassle to get back to the story to highlight and show how I'd suggest you edit it. So, unfortunately, you'll need to use your imagination when thinking about my suggestions, but trust me, it does run a story's description better (and makes your characters seem less spastic or strident) to say:
["What the hell are you saying," he shouted angrily.]
rather than
["What the hell are you saying!?!?" he asked.]
Just an idea. Keep up the good writing, and post that alternate ending - you've got me curious now. (Even though I'm a sucker for happy endings that don't include formerly evil psycho pre-cogs.) | Reviewed By: LS2 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 12, 2003 10:46 CDT
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great fic... and I love the sappy ending. Could be because I am total sucker for the pairing LOL. | Reviewed By: MiniMorr [MediaMiner Member] On: June 12, 2003 10:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
*sigh* This was beautiful, thank you!
But... I can't help but feeling sorry for Crawford as well... I really like the C/R pairing as well, you know... ;)
The alternate ending sounds interesting too, care to post it, please? *puppy eyes*
~MiniMorr | Reviewed By: nekojita_chan [MediaMiner Member] On: June 12, 2003 00:01 CDT
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Hmm, very nice! Thanks so much for living up to your end of the bargain! As for the alternate ending.... I'm pretty damn happy w/ this one. It's always nice to see the boys overcome their stupid nature and just give in to each other. Yummy. | Reviewed By: MookieNH [MediaMiner Member] On: June 07, 2003 05:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
A nicely done change of POV. Aya's rather clumsy attempt to test his feelings for Yohji were well in keeping with his struggle to understand.
His determination to leave - to avoid causing Yohji further pain - actually shows even more how very much he cares, even if he doesn't realize that it isn't the solution.
You did a very nice job of weaving the lyrics into the story as well. Kudos! | Reviewed By: Trinity Bennett [MediaMiner Member] On: March 22, 2003 20:02 CST
Comment/Review:
I'm dieing to know what is happening!
Reallyg reat job...really. You've got Yohji and Aya's personalities worked out very well. | Reviewed By: nekojita_chan [MediaMiner Member] On: March 22, 2003 10:02 CST
Comment/Review:
*crickets chirping in the background*...................... You left it there!!!!! Gah, there better be more of this, and real soon! |
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