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| "Of Demons and Angels" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Reviewed By: Zanzou On: August 19, 2003 15:15 CDT
Comment/Review:
*pained look* Before you go defending her fic, realise that you should be focused on your own. Please. It would just be.. better.
*wanders off to beat a plot bunny to death* | Reviewed By: Lady Nightshade [MediaMiner Member] On: June 23, 2003 14:18 CDT
Comment/Review:
The thing about the car is more along the lines of a vision not a flashback. Kinda like a memory that really isn't a flashback just more along the lines of her seeing it happen again. | Reviewed By: Shinnite [MediaMiner Member] On: June 21, 2003 19:25 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 2 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 1 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 2 of 10
Overall Rating: 2 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'm sorry, but this is a fanfic which needs some serious work. The two female OCs fairly scream "Mary Sue", which is a bad thing. And there are quite a lot of repeated mistakes. To show this, I've pulled out examples from chapter one.
After she cleaned and wrapped her wounds she let the water run in her bathroom has she stared at the mirror with such intensity in her eyes it made her headache worse.
Run on sentences. This could be 3 different sentences. But if you want to keep it as one I would suggest using commas. Commas are your friend. ^_^
She started to see the car through the mirror she watched it waver before falling off the cliff.
This is very unclear. There needs to be some sort of indication that this is a flashback. If it's a flashback. I'm simply assuming that it is. >_>
She began to scream and began her head against the mirror trying desperately to get the images out of her mind.
Rule of thumb: Never use two words in the same sentence. I don't mean words like "of", "and", and the like, but began shouldn't be in here twice. You're also missing a word. What was her head doing against the mirror?
She leaned against the wall and began to sob has the blood trailed down her hand and arm from the cuts on her knuckles. She slowly sank to the ground and curled up against the wall sobbing her shoulders shaking uncontrollable and the tears continued to roll down her eyes and the sobs continued to roll from her tongue like an endless symphony of sadness.
The same rule of thumb applies to paragraphs, though with more leniency. A thesarus would probably be good here, though I suggest using it with caution. Even the best of tools can be dangerous, after all.
Her long dark purple billowed out While there's another missing word here (hair) I put this as an example for commas. It should be "long, dark" because long is being used to describe the hair, not the "darkness" of the hair.
The disclaimer should also be worked on - such an offensive tone is more likely to annoy your readers. If you have a problem with this aspect tough luck is an antagonistic statement. It's a good thing to warn readers about content, but the way this is worded really needs to be changed.
This isn't a flame, honest. I would be much more creative if I was flaming you. ^_^ I simply want to point out some problems with this fanfic, because I believe that something which points out your problems is much more helpful than empty praises. | Reviewed By: Shinigami Sarah* On: June 08, 2003 11:40 CDT
Comment/Review:
Ohayo,
This is funky I'm reviewing the fic were working on thats down right funky well sis keep it up it's gettin good and I'll start drawin soon
JA |
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