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| "I'm Better Than You" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Dragon On: June 13, 2003 01:29 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Taking me quote MtF eh? Well i geuss i'll just say this ( i would write something helpful... but im not) your story was funny, but it's proablly more funny to those you actually know you three, if it was someone who didnt know you it would proablly be funnier if you used characters from animes -Proabally Inyusaha since you did it on that. Of course that would change your story overall, yada yada. I'm tired so sorry if this didnt make since, but i reveiwed it so now i'm done. | Reviewed By: IMaTicTac [MediaMiner Member] On: June 13, 2003 01:09 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks my great editor, things are hopefully fixed and much better! | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 13, 2003 00:42 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
All right, since Im the editor, I'm going to go in depth... muwahahaha!
"It was a bright, sunny January afternoon and soaking up the sun rays were three young ladies, all eating pizza. The hot oils dripping from the pizza."
The second sentence should belong with the first sentence. Make them into one sentence. I believe the term is called, fragment. But Im not too sure.
"As usually the moment of peaceful silence was disturbed."
Should be: "As usual..."
"Aspen announced getting the attention she wanted from her two friends."
Need a comma between announced and getting.
"Instantly the other girls nearly choked. on their hot pizza, this probably was something they didn't see coming."
Needs a comma between Instantly and the. Does not need a period between chocked and on. Instead of comma between pizza and this, there should be a period.
"Rhiannon finally said trying to catch her breath."
Needs a comma between said and trying.
"'What if he farted while in battle with Sesshoumaru? She said in a rush holding back her laughter to get that all out."
Needs a quotation mark after Sesshoumaru? Needs comma after rush and before holding.
"Candace manage to say..."
Should be managed.
"Rhiannon said getting nervous. Aspen and Candace smacked her on the head and this scene fades back into the pervious scene with a now, fully clothed Sesshoumaru."
Need comma between said and getting. The word this should be the. Pervious should be previous.
"Sesshoumaru order, taking a few steps back."
Should be ordered.
"Inuyasha look a little worried and he too backs up."
Should be looks.
"Jaken lets it all out, it was loud and sick sounding that made you want to frown in disgust."
Rework this sentence a bit. Its unclear. Try and use some more discriptive words than "sick sounding". Im sure you can think of something.
"The scene fades out to the three girls now on the floor laughing uncontrollable."
Should be uncontrollably.
Thats all folks! LOL. As your editor, I had to do it. Although your story had grammar/punctuation mistakes, it was enjoyable and entertaining. I'm sure I'll be seeing more humor stories from you, considering you usually write humor fics. I'll be expecting more!
This is your editor saying:
"Hard work pays off later! But..."
"Lazyniss pays off now!" ; )
Good luck! |
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