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| "The legend of the god weapons" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Reviewed By: lusciousdragon [MediaMiner Member] On: July 31, 2003 14:24 CDT
Comment/Review:
Don't be discouraged by a few bad reviews, you have a lot of promise, I really thik that Princess Yuy was exactly right, I do think you interupt your story too much...It's sometimes the only way to get information across to the reader, but it should be kept to a bare minimum, readers really hate them a lot... Were you asking about a hikar, whcih is a light, you know yami's and hikari's, maybe I'm halucinating... Well, that's pretty much all... | Reviewed By: cherrygirl1157 On: July 30, 2003 16:49 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This one was exceptionally well written. I love your dialog and they way it melts into the story. | Reviewed By: cherrygirl1157 On: July 29, 2003 14:14 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
FANTASTIC!!! Keep writing you ROCK! | Reviewed By: Malik On: July 28, 2003 23:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 1 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 1 of 10 Comment/Review:
Author comment, note and anything else do not belong in the middle of a word, phrase or thr story. Put it in the beginning or in the end.
Also, avoid the script pattern.
Make clear separation between the story and the dialogue in the beginning and in the end so that we know what is part of the stort and was is just random though.
Love the plot, wonder what will happen next.
Keep writing and updating!
Style of Writing -) 1 because of the script and the author note
Spelling & Grammar -) didn't rate it, because my Grammar is not that good to begin with.
Originality/Creativity -) 7 because it interesting.
Enjoyment factor -) didn't rate, it really diffcult to read. Not boring, but not fun to read either. | Reviewed By: calupe [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2003 08:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hi, you've probably seen my name before... reviewing fifty million times on Princess Yuy's All's Fair... well, I do have to check on my baby Cali... Well she told me to read your fic so here I am!
Anyway, like she said, the plot is GREAT!
Hmm.. she said a lot of the things I would say.
It seems like you're writing a script for a play or movie or something instead of a short (or long) story. You might want to consider embellishing your sentences more.
^_^ Nice start! | Reviewed By: Princess Yuy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 27, 2003 23:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
Yep yep, well, I'll try to stuff this all into one comment, we'll see how it goes.
Where to start? Well, the first thing that struck me about your fic was the coolio way the plot was thought out. I can tell you two sat down and actually put thought into this, which is really neat considering not a lot of authors take the time to do that anymore. Anyways: I never even thought about how those souls got imprisoned in the millenium items, so your approach made me go "wow" and got me hooked. That was a good angle--starting from a dynamic idea like that, capturing the reader in an already blossoming plot so they would constantly want to know what was going on. Good job.
Now for the part we all hate--including me, ick--...the grammar part! X_X
Well. I noticed ya'lls chapters are extreeeemely short, and most of the actual thing is taken up by the Yami/Hikari conversations. I personally find that those detract from the initial weight of the chapter, but if you like 'em there, keep 'em.
The one thing that I found made the fic hard to read was the format the writing was in. For instance, your sentences were nicely construsted, none of that run on or fragmentation you see on MM a lot, but your dialouge confused me a bit. When writing dialouge, it makes for an easier read if you work the dialouge into the story.
Example gratis:
Yugi: I think I'll go to the park!
can be turned into:
Yugi smiled brightly at his friends, brushing a lock of blond hair out of his azure eyes. "I think I'll go to the park," he stated--almost lazily as it was.
The latter example flows along without any hitches--it gives the reader a clear idea of what the character is doing at that exact moment, and if you detail body language or verbs, those can also show what a character is thinking--if they say one thing, writing it like the latter, they could mean another.
Example gratis:
Tea: The park? Whoo hoo, let's go!
may be implied sarcastically, but how would the reader know? By implying body language and elminating the stage durections, we can send a whole different message:
Tea glanced over the top of her book at Yugi, raising an eyebrow and letting her lip curl in distaste. "The park? Whoo hoo, let's go!" She stated in a flat monotone, the sarcasm in each syllable stretched to the maximum.
See what a difference a little detail can make? If you fill the spaces of your dialouge with actions and detail and silent reflection of the characters, the chapters will magically lengthen themselves.
Also, try ending the chapters with cliffhangers a couple of times. Build up suspense and climax before the end, then abruptly cut off--this makes the readers excited about the next chapter, and hanging on your every word until the climax is resolved.
Otherwise, I thought this was a very well planned out fic, the characters are well done and very close to what they are on the show. You guys don't make any spelling mistakes or scary huge grammatical errors, it's just the little things--like the more "script for a play" format than the "book" format. But I'm nitpicking, and here's your first review! Many wishes for many more! AND KEEP WRITING!! ^^!!!! |
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