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| "Craziness" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: Another chapter already?
Reviewed By: AmyAnderson45 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 12, 2003 22:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
I guess I really have nothing else to do but to just read fanfics. Yep, it's me. I'm back...are you happy to hear from me again especially since it's 11:45 p.m. according to my watch. You did do some improving, that's good but now there's too much she said, he said, she asked, and he asked. Another thing is that you have like way too many characters talking at the same time. It's difficult to determine who's talking because most of your characters seem alike. For example: "Ruby, which way did they go?" Rose asked, then you have Ruby exclaimed after she finishes with her line and then Garnet yelled "What in blazes are you doing?" then to another character Steiner panted. "Which way, father?" Terian asked who is another character.
Do you see what I'm talking about? Slow down just a bit. Everything is going way to fast to comprehend what the first person just said. Have two main characters do most of the talking. Who are the primary characters in this whole story? All these characters cannot be primary because it should be one or two. Sometimes it can be three but no more than that. Your story needs to generally focus on a particular character or characters. Take my story for example: I have nine characters total but I have only three primary characters and two of them do most of the talking. At times I switch but it’s always two characters (either major, sidekick, or secondary) that talk among themselves as one. Later on I gradually add on other character. Your audience or readers needs to be familiar with the way your characters talk first so whenever you have multiple characters in one scene at the same time people can clearly distinguish exactly who’s talking to whom. Another example: Silver closed the shade again after the town had watched the delegation enter the castle. He could have sworn he'd seen someone vaguely familiar. Someone that wasn't a rat.
The word he’d is not a term you would use when writing a story. You would say “He could have sworn he had seen someone vaguely familiar as “who?” You did not really complete this sentence and what do you mean by “vaguely familiar.” Vaguely means unclearly or dimly. “Familiar” means recognizable or well known. You cannot use both it sounds more like unclearly but well known. Two things that mean two different things it’s either one or the other. Ex: “He could have sworn he had seen someone familiar.” Or “He could have sworn he had seen a dimly shadow but could not distinguish if it was someone familiar. Was it someone he had known before?”
See, both examples flow and give a kind of mysterious feel that readers might want to read further in the story to find out more about who Silver had seen in the castle. If you have any questions please feel free to write me sometime. I can't write down all my suggestions to you on this small reviewing thingy, can I? | Title: Hi again
Reviewed By: AmyAnderson45 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 12, 2003 08:01 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
It's me again. I'm just reviewing fanfics as I go along here. I liked your story but one thing kind of bother me. It's confusing to know who's talking and you need to put more descriptions on your characters. Like I suggested before, you don't have to take my word for it but try not telling us about your character's height unless it's very important. If you describe your characters well enough and their personalities. Your audience or your readers will have a mental picture of them in their minds. You don't have to tell us everything but try to make brief histories about the character's life and problems. If you want to explain your characters well enough go to the first page of my fanfiction and read The Greatest Adventures Ever! Yeah, my title's pretty corny but my story is well planned and thought out. Just see it for yourself and if you need any help, I'll be glad to give you some more advice. I'm also a Beta Reader volunteer if your wondering. |
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