Reviewed By: Raditz On: October 10, 2003 11:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well I must say that the idea is original. I don't think I ever read I story like that before and I think it a pretty good one. The potentiel of your fik is great. But there are few thing you should think of. 1-The way you are writing, it more telling us, then showing us. You are writing as if it was a report, only telling us what they are doing. More detail, where it count. 2- More feeling. You don't put any feeling to your characters. Like as said earlier, it look like a report. You know as if someone ask you what did the Z fighters did that day and you just stated what they did. you should write more feeling, more deep to the character. 3- The move used by the character are well, I mean if it was not in the category of DBZ I would never have guess it was DBZ. The way you describe the fight I don't know, you can invent any move you know, but try to use some we know so that we may have somehting familiar to hold on. 4- The power level, something are wrong with them, and the way you use it, well the way you make the Z fighters use it...We (as in the watcher) may be curious to know the exact power level, but if you notice, since radditz, nappa, and vegeta came with the scouter,(and a little bit when the android came) the z fighter don't depend on the exact power level. What I mean is that they don't go to train and say, "well now i'm at 450 million and I will train for a few hour until agot to 500 million." They just don't do that. 5-Explain a few thing to us. I mean as far as I am concerned planet vegeta is gone, so that how come they cam fight there, For one second I just thouhg that they where in hell, but that don't explain why all the z fighter are there. We just need some explication. Don't have to put a long author note in the beginning, but try to intregate it in the story. 6-Also OCC. you didn't really do it (I mean the character are a little bit two-dimensional for that) but in some place you went very close to it. Of course if you planned that, just ignore this comment, just put OCC at the beginning so that people will know what to expect. 7- On this one, I could be wrong, I mean I'm note sure so that you should check it up before. However I am almost sure that they don't ever use the term z warrior when they are refering to themselve. They may use Z fighters, but even then I don't think so. but as I say, for this one you better check it out. Anyway, I hope you are going to continue this story. It really priginal and I just can see the problem, the challenge that this little trip will cause. And I like the 3-way fusion. There an example adding more detail. :Why do Gokhan don't work? Tell us more. And keep updating
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