|"The Armageddon Inheritance" Reviews/Comments [ 9 ]|
| Title: Author|
Reviewed By: C117 On: December 14, 2006 00:42 CST
I'm waiting for more ideas before continuing. I've run into some serious writer's block.
| Reviewed By: vampwriter82 On: December 11, 2006 04:52 CST|
I've seen this over on the Ranma x-over site but I was wondering when this was going to be updated. This is a good story and I hope to see something new in the not to distant future.
| Title: Idea Thrower|
Reviewed By: T-X On: November 30, 2006 02:33 CST
1. Still early. Priss is not yet traumatised. 2. ??? 3. Aha ... right on target! Better work this out carefully. 4. All shapeshfiting Terminator units require *physical contact* with their target before copying their target's form. No physical contact, no body form. Also, it would have made things more difficult for Gamill to blend in ... and raised too many questions. That's why he stayed with the *default* form. More economical in terms of saving energy and exotic. Plus he's not a male chauvinist like Ranma. 5. Relationship? Have to work on this ... sounds like a parody. 6. Maybe it's a partial parody or something ... The rest is ok.
| Reviewed By: Schrödinger On: November 29, 2006 12:19 CST|
1. Priss refers to herself as 'Priscilla'? Big no. Also, you made her too wordy by far. She'd never use 'perish' if her life depended on it. 2. Hell, you made everybody too wordy. The supposed 'street rats' are being too precise. They also wouldn't use family names. Probably not at all. Certainly not just to introduce themselves. 3. The 'gang' feels too small for some reason. You should give more information on how they support themselves too, since gas is _expensive_ (think of what the Antarctic War is being fought _for_) and bikes are notorious gas-guzzlers. Unless you have them use subpar models that run on alcohol based synthetic fuels, in which case, hey, spare parts are also a bitch on a tight wallet. 4.'More advanced than the T-1000' and yet, he can't reconfigure himself back to being male. Um. No. Doesn't fly. Especially with all the ability asspulls during the talk with Sylia. Think again. 5. The relationship attempt feels flat. The deaths of the rest of the biker gang feel flat. There's just not enough character development there for them to feely anyway else. You'll want to change this. 6. I've heard of 'makeup sex', but this is ridiculous. It makes it feel like the protagonist is either a glutton for punishment or has the self-esteem and self-respect of an average garden variety slug. The word 'abuse' comes to mind. There's a good framework present for you to work with here - and the idea of having the viewpoint character join up with the 'gang' Priss rode with is novel, that I'll grant you - but it needs a serious overhaul. Either a thorough revision, or an outright rewrite.
| Title: FFRG Review-Chapter 1|
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 29, 2005 09:22 CDT
Thanks for submitting to FFRG. You didn't indicate which chapter you wanted reviewed, so I did the first one. This story is an unlikely crossover...but you really tried to make it work. I agree with Halo, having 17,000 words broken into two chapters is a bit much. Try keeping your chapters a little shorter--it tends to keep readers attention better. Around 3,000-5,000 is usually good. (That is just a suggestion though.) I did think your storytelling voice has great potential, you have a good grasp of dialogue. Your grammar wasn't something that stood out while I read (which is good). The one main thing that I noticed was the scene switches for only a paragraph or two. That isn't enough time to get into anyone's POV in a scene, I would either leave it out or add some 'meat' to it, if possible. A great start, keep up the good work. Thanks for submitting!
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 1|
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: September 29, 2005 21:44 CDT
Thank you for submitting your work to FFARG. You have an interesting concept and a decent grasp at grammar with your chapter. The way you began the chapter is a good way to pull the reader into the story. Plus, you delve into the minds of your characters very well and have wonderful descriptions. I do have a few suggestions to make the chapter and your entire story better. First of all this is a very long chapter. It might serve the story better if you broke it into two chapters. Second, you don't need to show the binary code when you mentioned the scrolling ones and zeros. Many times your readers will simply skip over that code and move on to the next part of your chapter. Simply stating that he saw this code and then mentioning what it meant is sufficient for the story. Third, you don't need to throw in an author's note explaining that he's reading Machine Language but you're displaying it in English or even. Telling the readers in the narrative parts of your chapter what he's reading and then displaying it however you wish to display that is more than sufficient for the chapter. Fourth, it would also help to make things easier to understand if you separated the dialogue into separate paragraphs for each speaker. I also noticed you tend to censor the swearing in your story. It's perfectly okay and helps the story better if you actually wrote out the entire word. Thank you once again for submitting this piece to FFARG.
| Reviewed By: DJ On: November 08, 2004 22:58 CST|
Interesting story. If a version of Skynet is in the software and later encounters the Over-Mind System wouldn't Skynet basically take over the OMS.
| Reviewed By: lightspire On: July 14, 2004 10:48 CDT|
Style of Writing: 7 of 10Comment/Review:
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10
I like it. I don't mind that it focuses more on gamil. After all, just because it's a ranma fic, doesn't mean it has to focus on ranma. That would be like saying that since it's a BGC fic, that it should focus mainly on, say, priss. My point is, it's a good fic, regardless. The only problem that I have with it is that all of the characters have the same form of speech. They use the same sayings, and frequently speak much more eloquently than their background would suggest. Other than that, good fic. But where is this "rise of the machines"story?
| Reviewed By: Nameless Author [MediaMiner Member] On: June 03, 2004 16:00 CDT|
ok first of all you would get more reviews if you were to allow anonymous people to review. secondly your fic reads more like a self insert and not like a regular fic. you have centered the fic around your friend gamil and frankly just left ranma out in the cold. yes you have a couple of scenes with him in there but mainly he is like a secondary character to gamil. he is more supportive than a main character. no offense or nothing but this is a main problem with a lot of self insert fics. authors usually tend to focus on themselves instead of the actual characters of the fic. i think if you were to read a lot of these self inserts you would understand. other than that it is good.