|"Not a Child" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ]|
| Reviewed By: D-Seer On: January 10, 2005 17:05 CST|
You call this romance? It's too short, though it has potential. You don't give Cody enough time to think about Yolie at all. (Forgive the american names, it's easier for me, an idiotic american, to remember how to spell those as apposed to the Japaneese names.) It's like they are co existing in the same space, nothing different from when they go to the digital world with everyone else. Try writing about one of your own crushes sometime, and look how much you dwell upon that crush in your thoughts. Keep writing; I think you can do it well. Peace to you.
| Reviewed By: Izumi Ryu [MediaMiner Member] On: July 10, 2004 22:36 CDT|
Just some extra comments: You have a lot of promise, but a lot of room for improvement. Just try to improve your style and you'll be fine in the future.
| Reviewed By: Izumi Ryu [MediaMiner Member] On: July 10, 2004 22:30 CDT|
Style of Writing: 1 of 10Comment/Review:
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 2 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10
What you have here is a rather interesting idea. However, you're style could use a lot of work. You need to get a lot more detailed in your work. Focus a lot more on Iori's thoughts and emotions, and you'd be half-way there, if not most of the way. Also, I don't know why, but Miyako seemed a bit out of character with the "rushing to watch Sailor Moon" bit. Just my honest opinion, so don't take it to heart. I was at where you were at one point, so don't think I'm overly criticizing you. Since this is a fic written in Iori's point of view, I'd focus a lot more on details regarding his thoughts.