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| "Vampire Savior: The Prophecy" Reviews/Comments [ 14 ] | Title: FFARG Review Ch. 6
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: July 04, 2005 20:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this chapter to the FFARG. Your work is comming along nicely and I like how you explored the feelings Ranma and Akane are experiencing in this chapter. There were, however, a few things you may want to go back and look over that would make things work better in this chapter. First, I noticed you used elipses quite a bit. They're fine in your speech when having a trailing thought but in other places you may want to substitute them with a semicolon or a comma. Second, you need to better seperate the places where you have two people speaking. Going back and fixing some formatting will help that out. Third, you have a section of dialouge where it's hard to know who's speaking there. If you add who said what for the first two lines of dialouge it would be easier for your reader to know who's speaking when. Fourth, again I noticed that you sometimes have dislouge and action together. Putting them in seperate paragraphs will help to make things flow better in your chapter. Finally, you make explinations in the middle of your chapter for certain actions. Those comments would be better served at the end of the chapter. I also noticed some ramdom semicolons floating here and there. Once again I suggest having a second pair of eyes look over things before submitting to help clean up your chapters. You have a wonderful plot that can be made better with a little extra help. Thank you for submitting once again.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: July 02, 2005 00:21 CDT
Comment/Review:
To start, you seem to be very capable of writing romance. Or at least romantic moments. Still there were a few, obviously unintentional, typos in there. Not many, but a couple. One thing you should work on is uniforming your voice, so that the flow doesn't keep shifting. Otherwise this is fairly well written, and I applaude you. (It's hard to find good R/A fics. T.T)
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: May 13, 2005 18:43 CDT
Comment/Review:
I commend you for submitting one of your first works to the FFARG. You have a good idea with this fic. However, there are some places where I felt you could go back and rework to better improve this story. First, any reader of Ranma fiction will know what the usual fannon terms such as LEO stand for you don't need to take the time to tell your readers what things like that mean. Second, you may want to remove the comments that spell out what's between the lines. You want your readers to figure these things out for themselves. Third, I've notices spots where you mix your dialogue in with your action and descriptive text. It would make your fic easier to read if you took the time to seperate your dialouge from your action in a seperate paragraph. Fourth, with the agae you make Ranma and Akane most of their rivals and challangers at school would have moved on to a university or other positions in life. Fifh, I noticed at times you use casual speach when telling your story sounding like a story told to friends which affects the pace and flow of your story. Finally, at points you rush the pace of your story to get to the more important parts of your chapter. You glance over things like school and incidences at the Tendo home. You have a decent premise and a good grasp of grammar and a second pair eyes may help you point out where you can go back and improve upon this fic. Getting someone to read this over will help you out greatly
| Title: In the Word of Yoda
Reviewed By: Reapper [MediaMiner Member] On: April 19, 2005 23:56 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story is sweet! Their is a great prolog, and and excellent view into the personalities of the caraters. I am looking forward into how the conflict develops as the plot works toward a climax. I especially like how you have remained close if not true to the caracters in the origonal series. Any fan that is just bridging over into fanfiction should enjoy this very much.
| Title: Awesome
Reviewed By: Black_3y3 On: April 17, 2005 21:08 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is an awesome story. when I reached the end of Ch 3 I was shocked and I wanted to read more. Its a very cool story to read and I think its a really good one I also have to agree with Deus_Ex_Machina on the story cliches, that does tend to happen alot. In my opinion I think the story is a perfect 10. Update soon :)
| Reviewed By: Aila On: April 13, 2005 21:32 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I love this fic, although Akane's mental transformation is a bit abrupt, I love this fic! You don't write much about Ranma's feelings though.Keep going! ^__^
| Reviewed By: msky On: April 13, 2005 04:01 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
like it very nice plzzzzzzz give some bits bout ranma wanting her too. Loved the prologue. amazing history. keep it up and update soon. ^-^
| Reviewed By: cnotebflat On: April 05, 2005 16:54 CDT
Comment/Review:
nice fic, but in chapter three could you reformat it please. To me it looks like one big paragraph and that lessened my enjoyment of this chapter.
| Title: Keep Going!
Reviewed By: HyperMan [MediaMiner Member] On: February 09, 2005 12:14 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'm giving you all 10's, not on one particular chapter, but for all the chapters so far. They werer great, but I thought the prolog was a little akward. Still, I like everything I see. I like the way Akane is finally showing her true feelings for Ranma, the whole crisis of the mind reminds me of Naruto's Sakura and her talks with Inner Sakura. Ranma's grandfather reminded me of Kenshin because of the way you described him. If you need a Beta-reader, I'm your man! I write on here myself and my e-mail address is Goldflamedramon @ yahoo. Again, thanks for writing this story, It made up for this crappy one I was reading eariler today. Keep up the great work and stop beating yourself up over just starting, I'm new to this myself, but we all got to start somewhere.
| Reviewed By: Deus_Ex_Machina On: February 02, 2005 22:05 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Good story so far, and I like the fact that you are trying to avoid cliche's by asking. Personally I think the Ra/Ak matchup has become cliche with the fact that probably 75% of the Ranma stories out there are Ra/Ak pairings. Don't get me wrong, there are good ones out there, but the majority of them are Akane-centric... 'Ranma did something to make Akane angry, will he ever learn?' type things. Yes Ranma is somewhat of a jerk, but who wouldn't be after being raised by Genma? I think both of them need to mature, but Akane moreso as she blames almost everything on Ranma and constantly abuses him, and I do mean abuse, both physical and verbal. If you can SHOW Akane mature, rather than just say that she did, it will make a better story whether or not Ranma and Akane get together. Sorry if I'm ranting, but I do believe that as it stands at the end of the Manga, if they had married, they would have soon had a divorce, or one of them would have died (probably Ranma from food poisoning, or Akane being jealous that he said hello to another female). Just be careful not to mature them to quickly, as it is unrealistic, and it can also lead to good comedy. But do remember to have fun while writing, as that is one of the main purposes thereof.
| Title: Hades-Deciple
Reviewed By: Dire Hunter On: January 30, 2005 19:49 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is a really great fic but i hope you'll speed up the rate at which you make it.
| Reviewed By: author On: January 24, 2005 13:56 CST
Comment/Review:
could you reformat chapter 2. i can't make heads or tails of your fic. also it seems to be missing some parts to it. thanks.
| Reviewed By: Serath On: November 02, 2004 07:31 CST
Comment/Review:
Hey, you're alive. Are you going to post this on FF.Net ?
| Reviewed By: def3PO On: November 02, 2004 01:37 CST
Comment/Review:
Looking forward to more
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