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"Sacrifice and Redemption" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ]
 Title: The pain of editing
Reviewed By: Arthurschick [MediaMiner Member]  On: January 04, 2005 22:34 CST
Rating(s):
Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10
Comment/Review:
Let me start by saying that this is one of my favorite anime's, so kudos to you for your choice. I agree with zaitcev on the topic of POV. A sudden switch in POV can confuse the average reader. Also, try to be more conscientious of your word choices. Several of your sentences start the same way, such as "both." This repetition should be utilized only when you are trying to make a point. In this instance, you would use strong, declarative sentnces (ie How could he do such a thing? How could he betray me? How could...). I liked how you introduced the element of urgency midway through the fic. When constructing a plot, Time can be a very useful tool, since this is how the action can be controlled. Of course, the suspense at the end of the chapter was very well done. Your ploy has worked. I am now hooked, so, please, hurry up and update soon! ;)
 Reviewed By: zaitcev [MediaMiner Member]  On: January 03, 2005 23:44 CST
Comment/Review:
The key technical question here if the introduction was appropriately done. Readers are deceived into thinking that it's a first person narration. Frankly, I think not. Especially because it is obvious that author changed his mind in midstream. Look at this: "Having finished writing down her thought, she then closed my journal." He wanted to write, "... I then closed my journal", but decided on POV switch instead and forgot "my". This is rather difficult to get right. The obvious and straightforward approach is to add a bracket at the start, as in "A girl was sitting at a desk in a small room, writing in a small book." Then, continue on and finish with "Having finished writing...". However, some consider this approach not artistic enough. Also, this kills the element of surprise which the author migh have intended. A more difficult and convoluted alternative is to add a scene break (but again, I strongly oppose a scene marker). Also, a whole paragraph remaining in first voice is lost in the middle of the second half, starting with "As I was thinking..." Very infrequently, authors attempt to mix POVs, to add cinematographic effect. It is tricky. I can't explain the technique, and I do not have good examples on tap. At any rate, this is not how it's done. I bounced this problem off more experienced writers, there was no consensus what is the best approach here. I would prefer a bracket. On the whole, a good start to a fic.

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