Reviewed By: CuriousLittleBird [MediaMiner Member] On: January 20, 2005 11:01 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
First of all, thank you for putting up this story for us to read. You've obviously got a great plotline going in your mind, and it's coming through on the page. With that said, however, there are some crucial details missing from the storytelling. One example, from chapter 1: "Inuyasha, Inyasha kagome yelled Kagome were are you I don't know just keep yelling so i can find you" This section of dialogue is great, but as the reader, I don't know where this is taking place, or how Kagome's voice sounds as Inuyasha searches for her. Including more scenic details and appeals to the senses (what Inuyasha is hearing, how cold or hot it is, what he's seeing) would help the story along. It kind of reads like the script of a play, but since we cannot see the grand scene that's in your mind, we need more of the scene described to us. "your to late said a dark low voice behind her" This is a great line--you're incorporating the senses a bit more, which is really the only thing that the story needs at this point. Overall, you've got a good five chapters up, but I'm not seeing much Yu-Gi-Oh! or Detective Conan yet. Perhaps you are incorporating those in later chapters. But do remember to make your scenes at the beginning useful in plot development. Maybe use chapter 2 as a way to get more drama into the story. Anyhow, please don't be discouraged--keep writing, and feel free to email me if you have questions or need help.
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