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| "Inuyasha, The Continuing Feudal Legend" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: phalon22 (nsi) On: May 28, 2005 17:56 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thankyou so much for the two part review, that does majorly help me!
| Title: FFARG Review Prologue Part 2
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: May 28, 2005 17:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
(cont) I get the feeling you want to skip through all those years so you can just tell us the children's story, but it seems too rushed and events don't seem to be given in any particular order. For example, when we read, "Then came the birth of Inuyasha's only daughter, Takara. At this time, Tanaka was seven and half and Mako was almost four years old," we don't even know who Tanaka and Mako are yet. (Yes, you told us the two couples had sons, but didn't give us their names.) We can deduce that Mako is Miroku's son only because, later, we learn he had a wind tunnel in his hand. Another huge detail, that Naraku was able to tap into Takara's consciousness while she sleeps, is only commented on briefly, at the very end of the chapter. That's a pretty big development, not something to be mentioned as an after-thought. As Trinity said, you seem to have a good idea of the background for this story. There's just one problem; your readers don't know that back-story and are just going to be left in the dust. ~Aquamarine
| Title: FFARG Review Prologue
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: May 28, 2005 17:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Phalon, I'm going to give this review in two instalments. I think you have some great ideas here, but right now, the prologue reads almost like a summary and is a little confusing. You gave us 25 years in 10 paragraphs, and there were a LOT of changes going on in those 25 years! I feel like I just ran a marathon. I know it's only a prologue, but that doesn't mean you need to rush through all these new developments. Don't just list events, otherwise no one will be pulled into the story you're telling. Instead, why don't you give us a chapter or two (or more) about how Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku and Sango's families have come to be? (And, no, I don't mean you have to write lemons ^_~) Tell us their story. Tell us a little bit about their first confession of love, their weddings, how their children grew up, etc... Even a paragraph devoted to each new change would be nice. (to be continued) ~ Aquamarine
| Reviewed By: Trinity33 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 12, 2005 18:58 CST
Comment/Review:
HAHa i said i would continue and i have! this chapter ws really nice. Loved it very much. its getting exciting! too bad, i'm such a slow reader! ..
| Title: Thanks for the review
Reviewed By: Trinity33(toolazy to login) On: February 13, 2005 15:20 CST
Comment/Review:
This sounds like a pretty involved story you've got here. So much backstory here in the prologue that I wonder if it is a sequel. If not, have you ever considered writing out the backstory? Thanks for the review and I will definitely continue with your ficy here!
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