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"If Tommorow Never Comes" Reviews/Comments [ 1 ]
 Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member]  On: April 19, 2005 00:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
Vegitoth, First, I like the way the lyrics and your story are separated in a way that I can tell the difference between the song and the fic. (It's very annoying when the lyrics are just randomly thrown in there. It can also be confusing.) Second, I like this story's theme. Heero wants to be sure that, this time around, the one he loves knows what his feelings are. The song you chose fits that theme well. I like the image of both Heero and Relena watching each other sleep in the early hours of the morning, both thinking about the same kind of thing. It's sweet. There are a couple things you can do to make this story read a little better, because you have a lot of run-on sentences. Make an effort to use comas and periods where they're needed. They let the reader know when to pause, separating all the different thoughts and ideas in your story. Without punctuation, the reader doesn't have a chance to stop and process what you've written. One trick is to read your story out loud. Think about whether or not what you're reading sounds right. You could get a Beta Reader. There's a beta reader thread in the fan fic forums. Spell check is also a great tool. I just have one more recommendation, and then I'll stop preaching at you. ^_~ When you have dialogue, start a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. It's really simple to do and it makes your writing easier to read. I hope you keep writing and I hope you'll be able to find a good Beta Reader. ^_^ ~ Aquamarine (FFARG)

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