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| "Why Aint I Running" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG Review (part 2)
Reviewed By: Tinkerbell Jepardy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 12:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
Also at some points it seems that you rely to heavily on the song that you chose for your fic. While it is a wonderful match to the story line, at some points your using the lyrics as the story, not just to emphasize your own words. More then once the paragraph before the lyrics didn't make any sense until I read the lyrics section. The song and lyrics are a great companion to your fic, but you need to make sure that they don't take over your fic at the same time.
| Title: FFARG Review (Part 1)
Reviewed By: Tinkerbell Jepardy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 12:36 CDT
Comment/Review:
I have reviewed your fic 'Why Ain't I Running' as you requested and overall it is a very good piece of fiction. You have a good hold on the main character, and portray him very much the same way we see him in the Gundam Wing series. You manage to keep him in character, even as your putting him through a situation that is very out of place for him. You manage to do a good job of expressing his emotions, and give the readers a good idea of what he is thinking, and why he is thinking it. Your grammar could use some work though. There are many times I had to read and reread a sentence to make sure I understood it. You have a lot of run on sentences, trying to but to much in one place. There are some other areas where you don't have enough detail, making what your trying to say come of very confusing. For instance: 'Now looking back, maybe if I wasn't a perfect soldier, I'd be standing beside her while having a love for her. But then all of the sudden if my friends would also stay beside me, there would never be a way to recognize all the nice things that she has done for me.' It seems you were trying to get your idea out so fast, that you didn't stop to see how your were getting it across.
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