| Title: FFARG|
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: March 07, 2005 15:32 CST
Right away I can see something I feel damages the prose. You jolt the reader into a flashback with a sign saying as much. It flows better if you lead into a flashback gradually, which you almost did. The last sentence before the flashback serves as a lead in, so you don't need the "FLASHBACK" sign there for us. What I would suggest is that you change to italics for the flashback, that way everyone understands that you're back in a flashback again when it occurs again. I also see that you might want to check over the words again as you and/or a beta have missed a few things, such as "inside ear a fire" in the second sentence. Too, there is a missing question mark after "why had things gone this way for him" toward the end of the first paragraph. Too, you might want to consider cutting down the amount of times you use "said." There is nothing wrong with "said" and it can stand on its own without an adverb, but repitition is a writer's bane and you should add some variety by adding other similar verbs. Other than that, it seems pretty solid, though I can't be sure since I don't know the characters well and I can't tell if they are nearing OOC or not. Because of that, I can't comment on the realism of the dialogue since I don't know how they talk in canon.