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| "The Four Emeralds" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: ThePD [MediaMiner Member] On: November 13, 2005 21:25 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Duno why people arnt loving this fic... I STILL say its great, even tho this isnt the me that originaly posted -_- Either way, Good on ya mate! *Ausie Accent*
| Title: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reviewed By: Kenshin-Gotenks On: April 30, 2005 15:58 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wow this is great, I was a little sceptical when you asked me to read this, but I LOVE IT! Seriously if this is an original idea why arn't you thinking about publishing it? I love fantasys and I am sure this is one... will you email me when you post the next chapter? my email is blossumfire_7@yahoo.com thank you!
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: April 27, 2005 17:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
There's great potentional for this story, though, I do agree what Becca said. Though, if you want to describe your character a bit more natural and not too forced. Such as the following examples and suggestions. She picked up a jean miniskirt and a red sleeveless shirt and pulled them on. (Describing the clothes is not necessary)She walked over to the mirror and pulled her long brown hair up into a ponytail, then braided it and let it swing behind her. (Does she need to brush first? If so, then add that in) Her cat tail disappeared and her claws began to shrink until they looked like human nails. (I think you could mention her as an elf before getting to this point-too sudden. [Although, Becca did say the other idea, say that detail later on. I think telling the detail a bit later on and fix the jewlery part as a way to foreshadow.]) Beside her, a girl with golden blonde hair smiled and flicked a piece of paper to her. (when did she write the note? A bit of 'scribbling' or giving a longer pause in the story, such as when the teacher starts teaching and what not) Other than that, it's all good.
| Title: FFARG Review (Chapter 1)
Reviewed By: Becca Stareyes [MediaMiner Member] On: April 25, 2005 22:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
The opening is the thing that determines if the reader keeps reading, so special attention should be paid to it. I do like the effect of making everything seem normal until you get to the jewelry -- almost a parody of typical teenage 'must describe protagonist's clothing!' that plagued the stuff I read as a kid. Careful with that. Too often character descriptions feel forced at the beginning of a story. Contrary to popular belief, readers no not care what hair and eye color your characters have, unless it's a plot point. One thing you might want to avoid is the "As you know, Bob..." convention. Ellie probably doesn't think about the fact she has to disguise herself or why every time she puts on her jewelry -- I don't think 'I have to do this so I won't crash my bike and die' every time I put on my bike helmet. I think the prose conveys the fact that Ellie isn't human and needs to hide this -- you need not tell why right at the beginning of the fic. Wait until it comes up -- a better place may be later in the chapter, where Ellie is told she can't wear jewelry in school (kind of an odd rule -- most schools I've seen would allow some jewelry, and would tell students to take off/cover rule-breaking clothing/accessories right away). Chapter 1 cuts off at a weird place -- it makes the chapter seem shorter than it is. You also might want to work on varying sentance length -- a lot of your sentances are choppy.
| Title: Nice
Reviewed By: ThePD [MediaMiner Member] On: April 20, 2005 15:27 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I gota say, this is a great story. Seems like it could even evolve into a novel with a little work! Good job there! Keep up the good work!
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