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| "By Firelight" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: Kae_Mustang [MediaMiner Member] On: August 05, 2011 03:20 EDT
Comment/Review:
This is really your first fic? It's good. Like, really good. I wouldn't expect this of a first. You should really put up that second chapter. | Reviewed By: KEYIST On: September 03, 2005 16:54 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story has a great begging very mysterious. Please update and continue with this fic.
| Reviewed By: Chi-chan24 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 26, 2005 20:29 EDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is great! Plz update soon!!
| Reviewed By: Hiei098 On: May 13, 2005 21:58 EDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
this is an awsome story for a first try. i am very impressed. i would say you have to describe the surroundings a bit more through. i had a hard time picturing where she was and what she was doing. did she run in to save Ed or was Ed already outside of the building? well i love your story so far. looking forward to reading your next chapter. keep writing!!!!
| Reviewed By: AngelsFall [MediaMiner Member] On: May 01, 2005 23:09 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
You have an excellent start here. I hope you continue to develop the story.
| Title: FFARG continued
Reviewed By: roku kyu [MediaMiner Member] On: April 22, 2005 23:50 EDT
Comment/Review:
Aargh, sorry, I didn't check my word limit before posting! So I'll finish the review here, if you don't mind. There are a couple of places where you could use "stronger" adjectives, i.e. when saying that Sarah felt "scared" for the bleeding boy, I would use a more panic-filled term, like "terrified" or at least "frightened." There are also a couple of places where commas are used improperly--the dreaded "dependent clause" vs. "independent clause" rule (feel free to ask me if you need an explanation.) But, as I said before, this is just nitpicking, and on the whole, you've written a very action-packed and gripping opening chapter, and I'm glad that you intend to continue with it. Good luck, and keep writing. Ja ne!
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: roku kyu [MediaMiner Member] On: April 22, 2005 23:47 EDT
Comment/Review:
Well, for a first effort, this is a very skilled job. I've only seen one episode of FMA (the horribly traumatic one where the girl was merged with the dog...aaggh!), so I wouldn't have known that this was an OC if you hadn't told me. Especially since you've done a wonderful job of avoiding the Mary-Sue syndrome by making your heroine very real in her tendency to get easily winded and more than a little scared. You also have (blessed be!) a true dramatic progression through this chapter, with a defined beginning, middle, and end. Your descriptions are very vivid, drawing the reader into the scene. I could almost see the red glow of the burning building against the night. Now for some concrit. :P The flashback as to why Sarah joined the army came a little too soon in the second paragraph. She's right there in the thick of the action, fleeing in panic, and it doesn't seem to be the right moment for her to have a leisurely reminiscence. You need to keep action sequences fast-moving, and place flashbacks in a more static sequence, like when she's stopped running and is bent over catching her breath. Other than that, there's just nitpicking. I don't think I would use the term "precipitation" to refer to the drizzle; sounds a bit weatherman-like or, as I first took it, as if you were referring to "precipitating events." There are a couple of places where you could use "stronger" adjectives, i.e. when saying that Sarah felt "scared" for the bleeding boy, I would use a more pan | Reviewed By: moonhanyou [MediaMiner Member] On: April 19, 2005 10:53 EDT
Comment/Review:
sadness! i like it so far. i can't wait to read more from you. please, let me know when you update this one again, and if i can be of any help, i'll do what i can to help, ne? (i'm a beta reader for a few other authors) but, this is a great story and i look forward to more from you!
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