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| "A Real Good Place to Start" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG Review Pt II
Reviewed By: Nekotsuki [MediaMiner Member] On: May 15, 2005 04:32 CDT
Comment/Review:
Originality/Creativity The plot itself is fine, and a little sweet, given that your two characters are recovering from bad relationships and they're very happy with what they have now as a result. Given that … if people knew anything more about this Jessica person, what sort of person she was, perhaps some sort of flashback involving her rather than just a throwaway line and your introduction at the very start, then people would empathise more with Yugi's side of things. Tea got a flashback, why didn't Yugi? You might want to consider turning this into a short story which deals with both Yugi and Tea's past and actually runs in chronological order (that is, no flashbacks, have those things happen near the start) … it would help to give a sense of time passing since the events of their previous relationships, and make the audience empathise with the characters more. Enjoyment Factor You're on the right track, and the more an author writes, the better they get. I hope you continue to write, because your story certainly isn't bad at all; it just needs a few tweaks to get it right. Practice makes perfect, ne?
| Title: FFARG Review Pt I
Reviewed By: Nekotsuki [MediaMiner Member] On: May 15, 2005 04:30 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
Going through the categories one by one: Style of Writing You have some nice turns of phrase, particularly when describing the atmosphere of the scene, but in general your style tends to be a little too simplistic. The style of "One day after high school, both Yugi, Tea, and Seto were in the gameshop…" is a relatively jarring way to start a scene whether it's a flashback or not, because you're not so much describing what's happening as just telling people what is going on. It works to get your point across, but it's not telling a story. You could shorten that particular example to "They were in the gameshop" and then describe where your three characters are, and that would read better. Check your work for that sort of thing and try to build an atmosphere rather than just bluntly telling us the facts. Spelling and Grammar Far better than a lot of people your age. ;) You have a few quirks of bad grammar here and there, and you spell a word or two incorrectly, but your work is definitely understandable and easily readable. You'll get there. ^_^ Try running your work through a grammar check, because your grammar is a little worse than the spelling; mainly, you need to make better use of punctuation - commas and full stops are missing in a few places.
| Reviewed By: The Panasonic Princess [MediaMiner Member] On: May 06, 2005 16:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well, first off, it's a little... short. The grammar and spelling are really good, I hav eno problems with that, but your plot work could use some help. You have a lot happening in a little amount of space. Also, it sounds like your telling a story to a group of your friends: "First this happened, then that happened, than this other thing happened..." and so on and so forth. This can make a fic sound choppy and unnatural. Just a little more detail in the right places could do the story some good. Also, where did this Jessica girl come from? Readers don't really like having a character just thrown in there randomly. The key to a good story is to have the readers connect in some way to all of your characters. You just sprung Jessica on us without really telling us who she is. And you never explained what Seto and Tea's argument was about. Maybe if you had outlined exactly what it was that they were fighting about, the reader could understand what got Seto angry enough to hit her, because from my own point of view, he's not the type of person that would punch a woman without a really good reason. But this story is a good start. I would suggest you get a beta reader to look it over and help you out a little. I believe there is a list of betas on the forum. ~Pana
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