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| "Ghostly Eyes" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: I liked the fic
Reviewed By: Mirena [MediaMiner Member] On: June 26, 2007 21:16 CDT
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I came across your fic as you mention it on the sequel. I was really kind of anticipating in an enjoyable way "Sorry vessel already occupied!"
| Title: FFARG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2005 03:22 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFARG. I'll only be commenting on the first chapter for now - you can submit further chapters to FFARG (one per week) later. My first critique deals with the first paragraph, as your opening will have a huge effect on how a reader perceives your writing. I'd avoid using fragments in the opening, as they don't work well and give a general sense of sloppiness. In addition, I'd also take note of your syntax (sentence order and/or structure), as it could use some variance. Changing the sentence structure around here and there will really help improve the flow and style. You seem a little "?!" happy as well - I'd watch how much you use it, as it lends a less serious tone. Instead of "?!" in dialogue, you may want to use dialogue tags that describe it more accurately (for example, instead of "said", use "exclaimed" or "shouted", etc.). I also noted a number of grammatical and spelling errors, but these can be easily fixed with the help of a practiced beta reader. (Check out the Beta thread at the forum~ it's a great resource.) Other than that, you have an interesting story in the making! The characterizations (as far as I could tell) were accurate, and the story line could prove to be very engaging. You've got great potential - keep writing! ^^ Thanks again for submitting your story to FFARG.
| Reviewed By: KatieTakesflight [MediaMiner Member] On: June 02, 2005 09:26 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I absolutely loved that story. The plot was realy interesting and engaging and your description, especially of the battles, was really fantastic. Your characterizations, esspecially of Naruto were really enjoyable.There are two points which I would advise that you improved. Kindly do not take offense to this, I have nothing but respect for you as a writer. The following is meant only as constructive critism: 1) I advise that you either read through your chapters a few more times or found a beta reader because there are moments where you have gramatical and word use slip ups. 2) I think you need to work on your dialouge a bit. At times it can seem a bit stilted and artificial. I think the best example of this is Hinabi saying "Stop making me remember". Remember try to get inside your character. Try to decern what they would say in a given situation. With that said, this ws really a fantastic story. I hope to read more of your work in the future. :-D
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