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| "Dream Come True" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2005 14:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
A nice intimate little moment, well-told. However, I find the writing is a little awkward in spots and plagued by misused or superfluous words. Here's an example: ...I had been stolen of my innocence at such an early age.... I would suggest the word 'robbed' instead of 'stolen' since a direct object (presumably 'I' in this case) taken by the latter indicates the object stolen whereas the former takes it as the victim of the robbery. I would also like to suggest that you flesh out just what the relationship between the two lovers is. I get the impression that there is some social distance between them, but it's left too vague. Perhaps a few hints as to where this is taking place would be appropriate. A late-night rendezvous in some moolit clearing would have a different flavour from a meeting in the man's quarters, for example. This little piece has the potential to develop into something much larger, even grander.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Sisi(Not signed in) On: June 14, 2005 08:39 CDT
Comment/Review:
Overall there just isn't much wrong with this story it's very good. There are a few things that are note-worthy though. First off is a reason for her feelings of unworthiness, very few people have those kinds of feelings without there being a reason and if you even simply touched upon that it would make things clearer for the reader and give the story a sense of wholeness. "My head dropped back down, my vision starting to be affected by the tears." That sentence is rather awkward in the middle when you put 'starting to be', it wasn't actually needed and you could have simply put "my vision blurred with tears," or even, "I dropped my head down as tears began to affect my vision," Started-to-be is very hard on the syllables and cuts from the run of the narration. And the only other thing would be in the end where you say: "At long last, I can be with him..." Throughout the story you had your character thinking in past tense, the sudden jump to present tense could be worked in you jumped to the morning having her move and think in present tense, or you could just switch it to: "At long last, I could be with him…" This had great narration and description drawing out a moment/small time space into something very enjoyable to read.
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