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| "Of the House Capulet." Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG review (chapter 1), part II
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2005 18:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
(continued from previous review) My final critiques rest on grammar and spelling. I noticed a large number of grammatical errors and typos in your story (and in your summary, even). A good beta reader will be invaluable to helping you fix this. As for formatting and your epigraph from the original Romeo & Juliet, you need not add the [enter], and you should cite it this way: from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. (i.e., You don't need quotes.) Yes, it's nitpicky, but when using someone else's work you need to cite it correctly. ^^; At any rate, keep writing! You do have an excellent idea here, but with some polishing you can turn this plot bunny into a really excellent piece of work. Thanks again for submitting to the FFARG.
| Title: FFARG review (chapter 1), part I
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2005 18:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to the FFARG. To begin with, you do have an interesting story idea with the fusion of InuYasha and Romeo & Juliet. However, I don't think this works as is. You mix too many modern and Old English elements, which really takes away from your setting. In addition, the fact that this is supposed to be in Kyoto really takes away from it as well. If you want this to take place in Japan, you may want to use Japanese names instead of English ones. Using the concept of Romeo & Juliet will be a great springboard for you to create your own InuYasha-style rendition of the tragedy, but you have to separate the two completely different settings in order for that to work. In addition, the dialogue did not help. You should avoid using Old English dialogue with a modern setting and with modern slang thrown in (most notable in InuYasha's speech), and since this is also in Japan, it'd be best to avoid it. The narrative style also does not match the dialogue, and so that's just another reason to stick with modern language in this case. My next critique deals with description. Many of your descriptions are rather clunky, too wordy, and occasionally repetitive. For example, in the opening paragraph you describe the marked boxes Kagome sees, but then you note that it signifies moving. You don't have to state that Kagome's moving, as it is implied in your description - give your readers more credit, ne? ;) (continued in next review)
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